As I wrote yesterday, I'm at the place I lived in dread of in my younger years...i.e., being left all alone. With my sister's passing, I am being returned to that long-ago fear...now fact.
It is too soon to experience my unarmed feelings...I am still self-protected, and it is too soon to try for deeper. I am comforted by my long-ago decision to invite God to lead me through my life...the good, the bad and the uh-oh.
As I write, I am realizing that pretty much everything I'm writing is from my eyebrows up. I am too deep in the sorrow of loss to begin to get cleared and/or clarified. Ah, and that is how it needs be.
Rushing to get one's unwonderful feelings behind oneself is a self-determined objective at its strongest. We must feel our feelings at their core, or they can and will live in our core...making our decisions without our knowledge or informed consent.
To know those words is not to live them. We want to get passed the pain, but that just masks it...to rise again we know not when.
We must feel the pain...it will transform us, peaced by grace and by God.
Thank you.
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