THE SPIRITUAL LEARNING PROCESS

I hear myself saying over and over, God, you've just gottta help me.

This morning I intuited, Stacey, you've just gotta let Me.

I remind myself that I go to God for God and that is all, but I suspect those words have become just words...words I repeat, repeatedly, so their meaning is akin to dust in the wind...more of an irritation than an aid.

I realize, also, that I find myself repeating, repeatedly, Lord, hear my prayer. I have never asked that God help me hear him, his response. 

I begin to understand: This is the spiritual learning process. The feeling that we are going nowhere, getting no God-attention. This may just be the winding road to God's ear...out of self into Self. 

I'll accept it as such until further enlightenment opens to me.

God is so good to me...to us.

Thank you. 

NOTHING LEFT FOR WHICH TO WISH, I

[The following is a reprint, slightly reworked, of my post of April 29, 2018.]

The crucifixion of the self is accomplished when there is nothing left for which we wish to pray. -- Joel Goldsmith, "The Heart of Mysticism," at p. 377

If that be true, then it follows that the road to ego deflation in depth is accomplished by letting go of our self-determined objectives, i.e., our wants...no matter how pretty we dress our wants.

Which is close enough for me to what in the 15th century Meister Eckhart espoused: If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice.

Thank you.

TO FEEL FEAR IS TO INVITE GOD'S WILL

When we open up space for the Spirit and let the Spirit fill that space within us, we begin to change.... --Brian McLaren, "Daily Meditations," May 29, 2026

I felt joy when I read McLaren's quote. As I pondered that, I was stopped by a loud Uh-Oh, and I realized that we begin to change was the promise and the warning both at the same time. On the one hand, Spirit says, for the better, and reasoning mind says, fear is here, hunker down.

Right now, I am in my reasoning mind, and I feel fear...fear of losing my mind. I feel paralyzed with fear in that I don't seem to be able to do anything, as in to actually move to get the test I've been nattering myself about getting. That's the test for cognitive disorder...for whatever reason, cognitive disorder feels softer to me than dementia...the very word stabs my worried-zone.  

This panic attack started earlier, around 4:00 AM, and it has been flitting in and out since...it is 8:00 AM now. I do not shame, blame or pity...I go to God for God and this is His answer. That is my truth that I get to deal with just as it is...for my benefit. 

I go to God for God and that is all, for that is All.

Now, feel the fear and keep on truckin'...with the grace of God and gratitude.

Thank you.

GOD INDWELLING IS.... I

[The following is a reprint of my post of  May 31, 1995.]

Jesus became a highly contrived problem-solver for our own guilt and fear (a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling) instead of the Archetypal Blueprint for what God has been doing all the time and everywhere. -- Fr. Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditation," May 31, 1995

There. That parenthetical phrase, "(a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling)," explains everything...according to me.

God indwelling is the driver, producer, agent of our soul, always using our own chosen tools, i.e., defects of character or personal assets, to get us where we need to be for our still more spiritual growth...no matter how ego-shattering it looks and feels to us and/or our world.

I am the source of all my woes; I am the good I seek.

Thank you.

WE MUST FEEL THE FEAR TO RELEASE IT

Father Richard envisions the Holy Spirit as the loving immensity of God’s presence within us.,,,You must contact this Immensity! ...You must know that this Immensity is already within you. The only thing separating you from such Immensity is the ego. -- "Father Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation," May 27, 2026

I am again at the place of intense anxiety (that always feels like the first time)...fear on the hoof, galloping free rein within me. It tells me to fall back, go for cover, hide...all the while I am knowing from my eyebrows up that I must go further. 

I must feel the fear and do it anyway. The "it" is my life just as it is presenting itself to me Now.

I keep being whisked back in memory to me, living in my first five years which is fairly close to my feeling today.  Solid fear...anxiety up the gump-stump, which, with God as my Guide, I walked through. 

 

You must contact this Immensity...there it is, my marching orders which are seldom as I envision them. I must contact this Immensity...go to God for God and that is all. 

I feel no peace, my heart beats harder, my breath comes in gasps...this is panic on the hoof. There are no shortcuts to God's will, God's way...and it takes as long as it takes.

All this I must feel all the way through to the other side...to my Immensity. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

You must contact this Immensity!

Thank you.

GRATEFULLY, WE GO TO GOD FOR GOD

So, dementia, with the grace of gratitude and just for today, I leave you to God. If you are God's will for me, then you are my will for me. No doubt, we'll visit again tomorrow...."With Grace, We Welcome the Unwelcome," my blog of May 19, 2026 

Such good advice, so difficult to do. 

It is akin to the quiet word we once received, i.e., we go to God for God, and that is all. 

Again, we note that is a toughie...when we are feeling pea-green-purple terrified, we know the specific that needs lifted, banished, erased from our life, from our consciousness. The idea that we need to welcome it feels like the devil doing his dance in our ear.

There it is, why we spent so much time and effort on our still more spiritual growth. When blind-sided by self-centered fear, the holy whisper is there for us...it is our choice to go with It or stay with fear. 

Hard lesson learning: It is God that makes our choice...only God knows when we are truly ready. We are comforted with the reminder to resist not evil for God uses that, too, for our benefit.

Gratefully, we go to God for God, and that is all.

Thank you.

FEAR...GOD'S GIFT TO ME

Blinding flash of the obvious: Fear is God's gift to me for it turns me to Him faster than thought.

I am still living in the anxiety attack I've written about this past week. Clearly, it is not an attack which I think of as quick and terrorizing in the moment. 

Ah, I am living in anxiety from which I got my BFO... ergo, good and of God.

It is comforting to realize these truths, but they do not slow my fast-beating heart... a God gift that holds my feet to the fire to ensure I stay to learn His will, His way for me. 

It is clear that I am given to running the other way, but God ever has better for me. I go to God...dragging foot but moving forward. God is so good to me.

Thank you.

TO WANT TO WANT GOD AND THAT IS ALL

...until we know and rely on [God], and until we call upon, share, and love [God], we’re just going along for the ride. --Fr Richard Rohr. "Daily Meditation," May 24,2026  

According to me, we can't want God in order to fulfill our material needs...we must want God for Itself and that is all.

That is and has been my hardest reach. 

I want to want God and only God, but it seems there is ever an urgent "need" that steps in front and demands attention. Even my self-determined spiritual growth is not purely of God being self determined. 

Blinding flash of the obvious: When self is driving the bus, self is first on the bus...God is first one welcomed after.

Mercy, that's a sobering flash...but not new to me. What else have I been striving for all these years but the God of my own understanding...and that is all. 

Thank you. 

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLY SIMPLIFY, I

[The following is a slightly reworked reprint of my post of May 26, 2019.]

Boy, did I get a blinding flash of the obvious this morning: Keep it simple. Simplify. Stop with the trying to make Shinola outta s**t. 

When Meister Eckhart said the answer is in subtracting, not adding on, he was talking simplify...simply simplify. When we are told that the answer is in detaching all that means is SIMPLIFY. 

Keep it simple, stupid, means keep it simple, stupid.

And then I read Fr Richard Rohr's "Daily Meditation" with the Word: Remember, the only thing that separates you from God is the thought that you are separate from God!

Thank you.

ACCEPTING THE GIFT...AH, THERE IT IS

Each moment is an opportunity to practice contemplation, to see things as they are, and to receive the gift of divine presence. -- Father Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditation," May 22, 2026

We are given the opportunity...ah, but how often do we accept the gift? What is the first thought we have on being the opportunity to practice any new thing?

Being given that opportunity often brings the feeling of trepidation...fear of failure, looking the fool. That is ego on the move; just knowing that does not stop ego. That is usually our first stumbling block...when confronted, ego often speaks louder than good sense.

To quote Amy Frykholm, the practice of 'beholding' anything takes desire and discipline -- and what is 'beholding' but contemplation or deep reflective thought?

Ah, we know these truths, but how well do we live them? 

I have learned to give credit for every second that my mind is reflecting God's will, God's way...too often that is just a second, but it counts!

We go to God for God, and that is All.

Thank you.

ALL IS WELL...NOW TO LET THAT BE MY TRUTH

Julian of Norwich: All will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

I feel like I am suffering the tortures of the damned...high anxiety or fear of dementia? or, blinding flash of the obvious, high anxiety from fear of dementia.

Lord, hear my prayer: Thank You.

Thank you.

ON MOVING BENEATH REASON INTO SPIRITUAL

We have to move beyond recited, formulaic, and social prayers to bring the mind down into the heart. -- Fr Richard Rohr's "Daily Meditation," May 20, 2026

Early on I received the gift of reverse blessing, i.e, recognizing that the scary appearing life events that come into our reasoning mind's eyes are blessings in disguise.

I received that gift fairly early in my spiritual growth, and it has never ceased growing deeper...truer...within me.

No doubt that is how I learned to say thank You to whatever my consciousness received. It began with my resisting the admonition to resist not evil. How could I not resist that? I've often called that the dark night of my soul...I arm-wrestled with that for as long as it took for me to hear and my heart to welcome it.

That was my great gettin' up morning when my Sun began to shine.

It shines still...I feel it particularly warm when my reasoning mind gets ahead of itself, and determines what is wrong with my world that I need to fix...now.

That's me...giving God a grin. I suspect that's how I now live fret-free...not that fret doesn't visit on occasion, it just doesn't stay long.

That's when I am reminded to move beyond recited, formulaic, and social prayers to bring the mind down into the heart.

Thank you.

WITH GRACE, WE WELCOME THE UNWELCOME

The more faithfully and hopefully we respond to God’s love in our life, the greater will be the fullness of our joy. -- Thomas Merton

I take heart that Merton wrote the more hopefully we respond to God's love. 

I have felt secure in my belief in God's love for what seems like a long time, but actually only in the last 20 or so years have I begun to entertain the possibility of God's personal love for me. 

I have learned not to quibble over uncertain possibilities...I believe that God is love, thus He loves All. It is walking that fact down the road of what ifs and uh-ohs that we learn true welcome. I doubt there is much that turns us to God faster than the uncertain outcome of a personally perceived need.

From my eyebrows up, I want to feel assured that I do not have, nor will I ever have, dementia. 

The good news is I am not married to that want...there have been too many things that I prayed to happen or to not happen that came to me in the exact reverse of my prayer...with each turning out to be my pearl beyond price. God's will, God's way, my blessing in disguise. 

So dementia, with the grace of gratitude and just for today, I leave you to God. If you are God's will for me, then you are my will for me. No doubt, we'll visit again tomorrow.

Thank you.

ON THE RUGGED ROAD WITH GOD'S WILL

We’re already the beloved, and as the beloved, we’re already beyond being compromised or threatened by anything because of God’s infinite love for us. *** The mystical realization is the realization of that. --Julian of Norwich

Beginning in February of this year, 2026, it seems that my life began living me: I am experiencing my life, my every minute breathing in and out, as living me.

Yesterday, I was guided to a weekly food-and-fun get together which I have never attended for no reason other than I have no interest in it. I had no personal interest in it yesterday, but I was guided to attend, and I don't say Nay to the Guide.

From my eyebrows up, I felt nothing, but my inner self knew to stay...to let my life live whatever came. 

Nothing came.

Ah, but I still have the inner feeling, the knowing, that I learned...I do not need to know what I learned with all the commas and periods in place for I will. I will know when I am ready to know. as in when I am looking back and seeing God's will in my life.

I am being led right this minute even as I am shrugging my way through. 

Either we believe in God, in all the miracles of God as promised, known and unknown, or we are still steeped in self-knowledge...which, spiritually, avails us nothing.

My fear is that I have dementia; my faith is if dementia is God's will for me, I welcome it. 

Our destiny needs us to stay, with gratitude and grace, on the rugged road to God's will, God's way.

Thank you.

TRUST GOD AND REMAIN WILLING

Creation and cosmos belong to everyone—and no one—and it calls us to a larger consciousness of expanded love. -- Julian of Norwich 

Ah, a larger consciousness of expanded love. There...life's marching orders repeated. 

My note in my daily reader: Whatever is mine by grace and by God, I welcome...fear of dementia, or dementia itself (or simply my old friend nerves), I welcome.

Big (God) change: I welcome my recent betrayer back into my life...we are all too old, too needy, too honest to live in an attitude of spite and malice...payback is for sissies, too afraid to trust God's will, God's way.

Further, I need beware of self-determined objectives...I see me running to my former betrayer and hugging him, thus "proving" my superior spiritual nature. I need to just be friendly, hug if a hug is called for, force nothing.  

Trust God, be willing and keep on truckin'. 

Thank you. 

THE GIFT OF HOPE

This morning the fear of dementia hovered over me...still. The fear tends to come, go, come again. I tend to let it for I know fighting fear grows fear stronger. 

I recall all the reminders to love, love our enemy, love our fear...kiss it on the lips, we were told.

It is very hard to honestly love the fear of dementia, much less dementia itself. I do not know if I have dementia, but I do know my fear of it is causing me to forget a lot.

Here's God's gift to me: Julian of Norwich was my reading today, and the first thing I read? Julian of Norwich was especially aware of the joyful character of hope.

There. God just gifted me with hope.

Thank you.

GOD'S WILL, GOD'S WAY

I am remembering the song, 'Whatever Will Be Will Be.' This I know from my own experience, whatever will be, will be for my benefit.

That is the last line of my yesterday's blog which today has a deeper meaning for me; namely, that for my benefit rarely resembles my reasoning-mind prayer. 

Neither God's will nor God's way is of the reasoning mind. That is how we learn to pray thank You for whatever comes to us, knowing that this is God's will, God's way...unrecognizable to us on first meeting. 

We go to God for God, and that is all...for that is all. 

Thank you.

GRACE OF GOD AND GRATITUDE

Here's me today, bordering on fear and trepidation...fear that dementia is on my plate and ready...ah, for what? There's the dreaded border.

I am a tish surprised that I wrote "bordering on"...it is true, I am not full-out panic stricken, but I do have a sense of dread in my belly.

Being in the crosshairs of dementia and not feeling dread is akin to being on the tracks of an oncoming train and feeling fairly calm about it. Say what?!

However, I am not full-out panicked. I attribute that to God, grace and the willingness to grow spiritually, as in: Give over, give up, give in while praying thank You for the good, the bad and the ugly.

I achieve that today the majority of the time...some days that is 51 percent, some days I get way up in the 70s. bordering 80s. There: Shout hallelujah and feel the grace of God.

I am remembering the song, Whatever Will Be Will Be. This I know from my own experience, whatever will be, will be for my benefit.

Thank you.

WITH GRACE AND GRATITUDE

Say we make a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand Him...the hard lesson we learn is that leaves all to God. Every jot and tittle, every breath we take is left to the care of God. [From my post of May 29, 2019.]

That is my hard lesson to accept today. Recently, I've written about my suspicion (fear) that I am coming into dementia...or that I have dementia.

That is a scary fact, the fact of dementia. 

This is where lessons learned rush to our aid. The pearl beyond price in my life is that I have learned to welcome my fear, specifically my fear of whatever unwanted that I see coming to me.

I suspect that dementia is an unwanted to any one of us. I do have anxiety disorder which causes panic-forgetfulness so I'm letting my self-diagnosed dementia hover in the land of maybe/maybe not.  

This I know from personal and priceless experience...whatever I am fearing that looks less-than yet is heading to me is for my benefit by grace and by God. Ergo, I pray thank You.

The thought occurs that I can think of dementia as an untrained puppy...it rules until I learn how to...with grace and gratitude. 

And God is back on the field.

Thank you.

GOD-GUIDED IS FREEDOM

 We must try with a will or fall by the wayside. -- Anonymous (to me)

Let go and let God. -- Anonymous (to me)

At many different times in my life, I have lived by both of those adages. Both are right on target if and when we know when to apply them in our life.

To try with a will in an obviously negative-result situation qualifies for self-will run riot. 

Pretty much the same goes for let go and let God only in the opposite direction...as in, too afraid to try, or to trust God to walk us through our dilemma. We tend to describe that as being "chicken" which says more than we want to hear.

As life flies by, I am becoming more aware of the truth we quote so blithely, i.e., that living in the now, the here and now, is God's home...for Him and for me, for you, for us.

The wonder of that flash of insight is it came when I felt fear of dementia...of my possibly/probably having dementia. I gut-bucket knew that if I do, I will live there by God and by grace. 

With God as our Guide, we are free. 

Thank you.

FREED FROM RESENTMENT, 1

[The following is a reprint of my post of May 25, 2016.]

We must be willing to hurt our own feelings for the benefit of another. This is a major, but just another, lesson in learning to detach from our dependence on our own reasoning mind.

Since it is our own thoughts that engineer our hurt, we must feel that hurt and know it for the nothingness that it is. Otherwise, we will put someone else's name on it and feel a compulsive want (that we mistake for need) to "set him straight" or hurt her in kind, i.e., the way we perceive they have hurt us.

In fact, our hurt feelings begin when our own thinking grows horns and gores us. I suspect that is the journey of psychic hurt...it begins with our resistance to it, really.

This explains the how and why of the Sermon's "turn the other cheek." It frees us from our guilty desire to feel resentful.

Peace, be still.

Thank you.

REGRET NAUGHT, LOVE ALL, I

[The following is a reprint of my post of May 29, 2016.]

Regrets are just resentments in fancy dress. - Blinding flash of the obvious

Thank you.

LOVE...GIVE OVER, GIVE UP, GIVE IN

Love and love alone is the substance of reality. -- James Finley 

It seems that it has been fairly recently (last ten years or so) that I fully realized that I know naught about love...specifically, how to love. Love not as written about in the Song of Songs but love of the un...the unlovable, the unpretty, the un. 

I know family love, I know friend and pet love, I know love of country...but none of those move me inwardly. I know fear of not loving God...or of thinking that I love God.

I wonder...have I ever thought what love would feel like...impersonal love, that is. Not a crush on a guy, nor a best friend to talk with about the guy, etc. 

Impersonal love seems like the ultimate contradiction in terms. How can love be impersonal? But it seems to me that personal love is all about me...where's God in that? For that matter, where's God in impersonal love?

Maybe God is love, personal, impersonal and all feelings in between Maybe there's no maybe in that.

It appears that I have my new study...what love means to/for me. I'm guessing kill self now is the starting point...ah, but not by self-will, but by grace and by God...which right now I know primarily from my eyebrows up. 

My study most likely is about giving over, giving up and giving in to God to do whatever inner moving happens.

Let it be...more will be revealed from within.

Thank you.

ON LIVING A TURNED-OVER LIFE, 1

[The following is a reprint of my post of December 29, 2018.]

Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it. -- Psalm 127

So the difference between 'the boys and the men' is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God. -- Anonymous

So the difference between relying on the reasoning mind and relying on spiritual consciousness is the difference between striving to build our inner house by our own devices and not striving but trusting our Father within to perfectly lead us through the building and then our living therein.

According to me.

Thank you.

GOD INDWELLING IS...., I

[The following is a reprint of my post of May 31, 2015.]

Jesus became a highly contrived problem-solver for our own guilt and fear (a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling) instead of the Archetypal Blueprint for what God has been doing all the time and everywhere. -- Fr. Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditations"

 
There. That parenthetical phrase, (a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling), explains everything...according to me.

God indwelling is the driver, producer, agent of our soul, always using our own chosen tools, i.e., defects of character or personal assets, to get us where we need to be for our still more spiritual growth...no matter how ego-shattering it looks and feels to us and/or our world.

I am the source of all my woes, I am the good I seek.

Thank you.

FEAR...LOVE IT AND LEAVE IT

I have not been doctor-diagnosed, but I fear that I may have dementia.

I know I am afraid of dementia which may be the cross I bear right now. Fear cares not what we choose to believe, it just rules...rules our thinking, feeling, doing and being. Us, in a word.

I shared at a meeting yesterday that I am scared...didn't go into the whys and wherefores, just "I am scared."

 
There! Proof of God in my life, as my voice. That I am in fear is no longer a secret, secrets having once been my way of life without my knowing they were the bane of my life.

I have learned, when I am feeling afraid, to invite my fear to come in, sit down, get comfy. God is here to hug us as we welcome our fear...all is well.

There...I'm not shaking now. I'm not ready to lead a parade, but I'm open to feeling my fear and doing the next thing...right or wrong, God's got us.

Hallelujah, God loves me so...you, too!

Thank you.

GRATITUDE AND GRACE, I

[The following is a reprint of my post of December 14, 2014.]

Gratitude is the handmaiden of grace. Grace leaves us with our facts unchanged, but our feelings about our facts upgraded, uplifted, enlightened.

We know peace by developing and maintaining an attitude of gratitude. Then, no matter the appearance to our reasoning mind's eye, grace through our own gratitude lets us realize...again and again and, yes, again...that this, too, is God's will. All is well.

Thank you.

NOT TO DISCOVER BUT TO RETRIEVE, I

[The following is a reprint of my post of December 30, 2013.]

It is such a comfort to me, when a problem looms, to remind myself that that problem has already been solved.

I usually want to get in the midst of it, figure it out (to my advantage), get all concerned to agree with me, but I need to quiet my mind, to listen. To listen...not for the answer to my perceived problem (for in God's world, there is no problem), but for the discipline of simply sitting quietly and listening.

Fr. Richard Rohr writes, ...spiritual knowledge is more like retrieving than discovering.

Whatever answer we need (which likely has not an iota to do with what we're thinking we need) will come to us. That answer may look less than wonderful and a butt-biter into the bargain, but it is, in truth, our gold mine.

We remember the promise: Be not afraid...it is I.

Thank you.

GRACE WILL LEAD US INTO AND OUT OF

Grace will lead us into such fears and emptiness, and grace alone can fill them, if we are willing to stay in the void. -- Fr Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditation," May 1, 2026

Ah, there's the dreaded gift that births peace of mind, the willingness to stay in the void. 

It's hard to remember that our peace of mind is the last thing we receive...but, of course. That's why we must walk through the void! That becomes our truth with still more spiritual growth. 

I am living in fear of dementia, but it is a different feeling of fear...apprehension comes closest, I guess. 

Curious may fit because I am curious as to how God is going to walk me through. It is an accepting curiosity which is spiritually based...or must be because fear is absent.

I do know I am in a higher mindset...try with a will no longer applies. Let go and let God is my watchword now.

The rest of let go and let God is born here...let go and let God while we do God's will, God's way fits now.

Thank you.