FEELING FEAR, I WALK WITH GOD

I was becoming more and more open to letting the spirit of God breathe through me and make me new. Therein is the source of real personal change, evolution, and transformation, and it’s never ending…. The Rt. Rev. Michael Curry, "Daily Meditation," June 2, 2026

As I reread the Curry quote, I realize that may well be what I am experiencing, letting the spirit of God breathe through me.

Only it hurts.

I feel as filled with anxiety as I have ever felt. I thought that was the inside boil that would be lanced...painlessly...and I would feel healed, thus whole.

Well, I don't.

I am shaking like an Aspen, stomach tight and growing tighter, heart pounding.

Whoa! Blinding flash: I 'see' Jesus going to his crucifixion...no one knows for certain sure what His inner thoughts were. It may well be He was shaking like an Aspen, etc., but He did not falter, He did not fail to continue His walk with God to His destiny.

Feeling fear, I walk with God...He knows my name.

Thank you.

WORST FEAR INVITES GOD'S WILL AND WAY

Applying binary logic to assess or judge the infinite variables of human experience is illogical. —Larry B., "Daily Meditation," June 1, 2026

Trying to open oneself to the infinite variables of human experience is still self-will driving the bus. 

Trying is the giveaway...trying is our self in control, inviting is our willingness to hear God.

I am feeling scared right now...scared of Thy will, Thy way. I am in my new level of spiritual growth, and I feel abandoned, threatened, all alone. 

Feel the fear and do it anyway floats by. I fear I am losing my mind...blinding flash: and I am. 

Comes the quiet word: All I need do is accept that losing my mind is simply changing my mind. 

I fear my life will now be me seeking others' aid and assistance and being dependent on that. 

Now I get to believe that as so, thus for my good. By grace and by God.

Thank you. 

THE SPIRITUAL LEARNING PROCESS

I hear myself saying over and over, God, you've just gottta help me.

This morning I intuited, Stacey, you've just gotta let Me.

I remind myself that I go to God for God and that is all, but I suspect those words have become just words...words I repeat, repeatedly, so their meaning is akin to dust in the wind...more of an irritation than an aid.

I realize, also, that I find myself repeating, repeatedly, Lord, hear my prayer. I have never asked that God help me hear him, his response. 

I begin to understand: This is the spiritual learning process. The feeling that we are going nowhere, getting no God-attention. This may just be the winding road to God's ear...out of self into Self. 

I'll accept it as such until further enlightenment opens to me.

God is so good to me...to us.

Thank you. 

NOTHING LEFT FOR WHICH TO WISH, I

[The following is a reprint, slightly reworked, of my post of April 29, 2018.]

The crucifixion of the self is accomplished when there is nothing left for which we wish to pray. -- Joel Goldsmith, "The Heart of Mysticism," at p. 377

If that be true, then it follows that the road to ego deflation in depth is accomplished by letting go of our self-determined objectives, i.e., our wants...no matter how pretty we dress our wants.

Which is close enough for me to what in the 15th century Meister Eckhart espoused: If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice.

Thank you.

TO FEEL FEAR IS TO INVITE GOD'S WILL

When we open up space for the Spirit and let the Spirit fill that space within us, we begin to change.... --Brian McLaren, "Daily Meditations," May 29, 2026

I felt joy when I read McLaren's quote. As I pondered that, I was stopped by a loud Uh-Oh, and I realized that we begin to change was the promise and the warning both at the same time. On the one hand, Spirit says, for the better, and reasoning mind says, fear is here, hunker down.

Right now, I am in my reasoning mind, and I feel fear...fear of losing my mind. I feel paralyzed with fear in that I don't seem to be able to do anything, as in to actually move to get the test I've been nattering myself about getting. That's the test for cognitive disorder...for whatever reason, cognitive disorder feels softer to me than dementia...the very word stabs my worried-zone.  

This panic attack started earlier, around 4:00 AM, and it has been flitting in and out since...it is 8:00 AM now. I do not shame, blame or pity...I go to God for God and this is His answer. That is my truth that I get to deal with just as it is...for my benefit. 

I go to God for God and that is all, for that is All.

Now, feel the fear and keep on truckin'...with the grace of God and gratitude.

Thank you.

GOD INDWELLING IS.... I

[The following is a reprint of my post of  May 31, 1995.]

Jesus became a highly contrived problem-solver for our own guilt and fear (a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling) instead of the Archetypal Blueprint for what God has been doing all the time and everywhere. -- Fr. Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditation," May 31, 1995

There. That parenthetical phrase, "(a problem that was inevitable if God was not indwelling)," explains everything...according to me.

God indwelling is the driver, producer, agent of our soul, always using our own chosen tools, i.e., defects of character or personal assets, to get us where we need to be for our still more spiritual growth...no matter how ego-shattering it looks and feels to us and/or our world.

I am the source of all my woes; I am the good I seek.

Thank you.

WE MUST FEEL THE FEAR TO RELEASE IT

Father Richard envisions the Holy Spirit as the loving immensity of God’s presence within us.,,,You must contact this Immensity! ...You must know that this Immensity is already within you. The only thing separating you from such Immensity is the ego. -- "Father Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation," May 27, 2026

I am again at the place of intense anxiety (that always feels like the first time)...fear on the hoof, galloping free rein within me. It tells me to fall back, go for cover, hide...all the while I am knowing from my eyebrows up that I must go further. 

I must feel the fear and do it anyway. The "it" is my life just as it is presenting itself to me Now.

I keep being whisked back in memory to me, living in my first five years which is fairly close to my feeling today.  Solid fear...anxiety up the gump-stump, which, with God as my Guide, I walked through. 

 

You must contact this Immensity...there it is, my marching orders which are seldom as I envision them. I must contact this Immensity...go to God for God and that is all. 

I feel no peace, my heart beats harder, my breath comes in gasps...this is panic on the hoof. There are no shortcuts to God's will, God's way...and it takes as long as it takes.

All this I must feel all the way through to the other side...to my Immensity. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

You must contact this Immensity!

Thank you.