HERE COMES GRATITUDE

I am running on empty. No. I feel like I'm running on empty...and here comes Gratitude sweeping in on the wings of a prayer.

My gratitude list:

1. for Ruckus who is finally home (and I thank you, Jesus, Joseph, Mary, Gautama, Allah, et al.)
2. for my friends who took care of the boy for the first week and for other friends who took care of him the second week 
3. for those who love me
4. for those who don't
5. for those who don't try to correct me when I'm kvetching
6. for those who do
7. for those who toted me to the various doctors
8. for those who offered to and are still on my in-case-of list
9. for this on-going, never-ending, who knows what it is pain...more than anything this pain has sent me mentally to my knees more than anything else so it can't be all bad
10. for my seat at the tables

Thank you. Repeatedly.

MY ANGEL ARI...AND FRIENDS

My morning's blinding flash of the obvious: I must needs pray for Gertrude's peace of mind.

It is as easy as water sliding over a dam to interpret another's thoughts, to internalize, personalize and resist them. And by resist, I mean "sit in judgment of."

I have been running my mind in resistance to Gertrude. Bless her, bless her thoughts as I perceive them to be, bless my thoughts about her...and my interpretation of her thoughts.

I have long since learned that I must needs pray for the peace of mind of all the many and varied Gertrudes in my life. For daily remembering is that the Gertrude who is currently occupying my mind is the one I must release to God now.

It is a great comfort to me that the majority of the time I am freed from my own judgmental mind. It is a greater comfort to me that I am not blindsided by my own despair when, not if, I find my thoughts slinging mud and passing judgment.

Not despairing but accepting is my proof that my angel Ari is on the field, riding herd and reining in my ego.

ABTW, if you don't have an angel, Ari is available at any and all times...feel free to invite him in. Just know this: He'll bring friends.

Thank you.

FRIENDS

[This is a reprint of an earlier blog of mine.]

By all means, you must find at least one loving, honest friend to ground you, which might even be the utterly accepting gaze of the Friend. -- Fr. Richard Rohr, August 10, 2014

Aren't we blessed? We have a boatload of loving, honest friends we haven't even met yet.

Thank you.

LET HIM...AND FOLLOW CLOSELY

Every day I pray the prayer of St. Francis, and most every day I realize again that the prayer is all about others, about doing, giving, living for the benefit of others.

I am ever touched by the part where we specifically seek to understand rather than seek to be understood, seek to comfort rather than be comforted, seek to love rather than be loved.

The single, sole, lone, only thing that keeps us from doing (and quit "seeking" already!) is our ego. No part of us will be adversely affected by our giving understanding rather than seeking understanding, giving comfort, giving love, rather than wanting and waiting...only our I-legislate-for-me-and-me-alone ego.

The wild and wonderful part is that prayer is answered in the affirmative even as we breathe and with every breath we take...but only as we are doing it. If we do not give it, we will not get it.

Again, we must needs remember that on our own we cannot do this. Going against our ego on our own is just another spoon to a knife fight.

He goes before me to make the crooked places straight. Let him...and follow closely.

Thank you.

ON CHANGING OUR FOCUS

I was gifted this morning with the remembrance that there are two ways we can choose to look at our world...materially or spiritually.

It is natural that we will see first with our reasoning mind's eyes, i.e., materially. It is only through a deep desire and a lot of self-discipline that we learn to view from a higher place that which we're seeing...to look through the eyes of the God of our understanding, spiritually.

I was reminded of that today because of this illness that I have been wrestling with since March 2. The cardiologist told me on Friday that he really can't say what the problem is. Which, interestingly, sent me into a tailspin, mentally searching for someone to blame for being unfairly punished in 1947 by an uncle who has been dead since 1948. It only took a minute to get there.

So I took all day Saturday to wallow in the attack of my own slings and arrows...the old "it hurts so good" still works when self is driving the bus.

This morning (I love God so much) I "remembered" that I could view this illness as no more nor less than toxins being released...the old poor, pitiful, put-upon-me toxin, the ancient love of gossip toxin, the just a tish better/worse than you toxin. A deep desire and a lot of self-discipline can and will do for me what my reasoning mind will not even consider at first blush.

Note to self: Old and ancient? It's not old behavior if I'm still using it. (Don't tell me God doesn't pay attention to every jot, tittle, and mote.)

All of which brings me to a new level of understanding my illness...I'm not shutting down from heart failure, I'm opening up to a new freedom from self. That's my story, and I'm loving it.

Thank you.

WE CAN LOVE AND LAUGH...OR NOT

Just as God is invisible, thus allowing unbelievers to unbelieve, so, too, is the ego invisible. The trouble being your ego is very visible to me...my ego is blindingly apparent to you. Which makes ego really easy to believe in.

God in us is as visible as our ego is...the trouble comes with our inability to accept that it is God that we are seeing. It's easier than breathing to name ego when we see it, but God? We can accept that we are seeing "a thoughtful act," "a good, decent, kind, lovable, generous, etc.," act or even person...but God? Whoa. And no.

The fact of God defies the rule that each something-or-other has an equal (or opposite?) something-or-other. God is good period. There ain't no other in God's world.

Maybe that's what lifts God out of the material world. God is good, so when our lying eyes see bad we blame it on the nonexistence of God...rather than accept that it is our eyes, our thinking, that is at fault, that needs adjustment. Which would invite us to change our mind. Another whoa. And no.

According to me, this is the flat-out determiner of whether we're going to have a good day or not. A good life or not. Fun or not. We can see God in everything or we can see God not. We can love and laugh or we can piss and moan. The choice is ours. Ours alone.

Choose you this day whom ye shall serve. -- Joshua 24:15

Thank you.

GRACE CANNOT BE HELD...PASS IT ON

The gift of grace is a gift for the benefit of all or it is no gift, nor is it grace.

A gift of grace to me personally is for my benefit, of course, but also for the benefit of my dearest friend, not to mention for my snarkiest foe, plus all my unmet friends and as-yet unrecognized foes.

It is my pleasure, my privilege, my obligation, my sacred duty to pass it on. (Remembering always to laugh at how hard it is for me to do that for "Gertrude"...and to love myself for how hard it is.)

Thank you.