THY WILL V. EGO-WILL

A meditation: Thy will, not mine, be done.

Thy will within be done...not my ego-will be done.

Thy will within me wants only the best for me personally, allows only the best for me personally, plus allows no one to be harmed or even slighted but s/he, too, receives beneficially, same as I.

Thy will within being done does not stand in the way of karma. What hurts, harms, makes us sick or afraid is what our ego-will has sent out, returning home...completing its circle.

My ego-will wants only its best for me personally, and no matter if and/or how others are hurt.

Thy will being done requires complete trust in the goodness of grace for the reasoning mind cannot know whether that which is happening is good or bad. The reasoning mind, based in ego, will always fear the appearance if on its face it looks dicey...it will accept the appearance as the reality which it  never is.

Thy will...love, peace, joy, happiness...cannot be seen, heard, tasted or touched, only realized.

Ego-will...a money tree in our back yard, a love on our arm, a friend who understands us and likes us anyhow, and food in the fridge. But where are we when the money tree is uprooted and blown away in a hurricane, the love splits with the friend who understands us, and the hurricane cuts the electricity so all the food is spoiled?

If all that happens...there, that is our gold. For that will  lead us finally to seek: Thy will, not mine, be done.

Thank You.

THIS, TOO, IS A PEARL OF GREAT PRICE

I loved my trip with my sister back to our hometown and then on to my folks' hometown. We were welcomed like the prodigal son, fabulous food and continuous laughs.

Coming back, however, there was a slight problem, and it has turned out to be the pearl beyond price. (There...that's all we need to remember to be set free: slight problem or ugly awful can turn out to be our pearl.)

On the drive back, a seven-hour drive according to MapQuest, we early on missed a cut-off from one major interstate to another. We were almost five hours out, coming into a major city which is in the exact opposite direction of where we were heading, i.e., home, before I said I thought something might be amiss.

Long/short, I was driving so my sister thought I knew where I was going; she was navigating so I thought she'd be giving me directions.

I instantly knew from my toenails up that the hardest part of this for me was going to be not just taking responsibility for my part in it, but not dwelling on what I feared my sister would tell everybody...as in, knowing myself to be spiritually superior, I just knew she'd act like a heathen and blame me...and tell all the family before I got to tell my side of it. All that in a flash full-blown in my head.

With that as first thought, I told her she could blame me and I'd blame her, and we both laughingly agreed. Which relieved my race-race, run-run blaming and shaming mind, thank you, Jesus.

Best punchline ever: When I got home and was telling friends, the story was such a hoot that I found myself taking CREDIT for getting us lost...my sister was barely an afterthought in the telling. If I hadn't learned to promptly divorce myself from my own opinion (which of course was just self-centered fear...and what other kind is there?), I'd still be building the story, blaming her.

God is so good to me...and my sister, too, for that matter.

Thank You.

MY DREAM

The following is a reprint of a blog of mine from October 14, 2010.

I dreamed recently of my grandparents’ home in Kentucky. I had gone to visit but they were not home. It seems that I stayed for a very long time. 

The house had everything except an indoor bathroom. There was, however, an outhouse way back of the house. I made it my job to put it in pristine condition…I white-washed it, I put fresh lye down every day or so, I tatted little lace curtains to cover the hole in the door. It wanted for nothing.

One day my grandparents returned, and my grandmother asked how I liked their beautiful bathroom…with which, she opened a door I had not noticed. There was a spectacular modern bath. She said it had “always” been there, I just hadn’t looked for it.

When I awoke, I thought about my dream, and I realized it was all about my Father within. My God who is ever with me, never needing anything to be added unto Him.

I get so caught up in looking “out there,” in search of the perfect Something, person, book, talisman, to change me, make me more, better, different…maybe simply acceptable. Landing on first this, then that…like my pretty outhouse, facade is everything…make it prettier, more admirable…uh-oh, not right, not good enough, start again.

All I need do is look right here, right where I Am…go into the silence and give over to the God of my understanding who is already here, here in my heart, my Soul.  

Thank You.

GRACE AND MY SUFFICIENCY

For unto everyone that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.

Back in the day, I thought that perfectly described the intransigence of God...almost spitefulness, as in, if you don't need it, you'll get it, but if you're in need, tough. In my opinion, that was just nuts...who is going to love a God like that? I knew too many people like that, including myself on a bad day.

Actually, it's this and other quotes like it that have been the most helpful to me in learning how to divorce myself from my own opinions. Which I was only able to do by committing myself to accept what I read as truth...to study it until I realized the truth of it.

What I've come to understand is fear of financial insecurity will cause us to hoard what money we have, leaving us feeling and, in fact, appearing to be without funds.

Example: My father, late in his life, became fearful of lack. Fortunately, he had already bought his home, car, etc., so he and Mom never did without, but he did become clutch-fisted...stingy, in a word. The last X number of years of his life, they lived very close to the bone because Daddy would spend nothing on extras. On his death, we discovered not only several CDs, but a large amount of cash in his safe-deposit box! Best punch line: Mom lived high on the hog the rest of her life.

Then, there's my cousin who gives with both hands. One time, he inherited a nice amount of money and his two brothers were left out. He divided the inheritance by three so all would have equal amounts and never thought another thing about it. He just does that sort of thing. He gives with both hands and lives exceedingly well.

Our peace is in coming to believe that God really does know our needs, has already solved our problems. When we pray for anything, we are simply denying that which we already have. Nor is it  productive to constantly say, "I have money," "I have love," "I have any name-able thing," for that is just fear pretending to be faith.

It is only necessary to say, believing, "I have Thy Grace and that is my sufficiency."

Thank You.

KISS IT ON THE LIPS

The following is a reprint of my blog of November 28, 2008.

I like the duality of “everything happens by invitation only” and “you have not chosen me, but I have chosen you.”

It has been helpful to me to remember, when I’m in conflict with another, that I’ve made a decision based on self that has placed me in this conflict…that I have invited exactly what is taking place. Which is not to say that I knew exactly what I was inviting…my intentions were no doubt wonderful in my mind’s eye.

I’m reminded of a country western song that was popular in the Austin, TX, area way back in my teens. It was a very funny song, all about body parts we asked for and what we got. I regret I only remember one line, but that one line tells it all: “When they were passing out noses, I thought they said roses, and I said, ‘I’ll have a big red one!’”

Well, that’s how I view the end result of my decisions based on self…what was I thinking? And I usually find some lovely-sounding (usually care-taking) goal I had in mind…that was not wanted, was not needed and was not appreciated by the other person.

On the other hand, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” the promise made in John 15:16, gives me much comfort. The responsibility of choosing God is not on me…if I can complicate a free lunch, you know what I’d do with the responsibility of choosing God. I’d never feel good enough, prepared enough…just plain enough.

I rest in the fact that He has chosen me. It is now mine to make of myself, through spiritual principles, a happy representative of Him. Keeping in mind that what I see is always myself, so it is up to me to find the beauty in whatever comes my way.

I want to be prepared to kiss it on the lips whatever “it” appears to be…for if it is appearing, it is for my eventual good, a great incentive to find the beauty.

Thank You.

GOD BLESS

Ruckus and I are off on our adventure. Expect to be back and blogging on Sunday, May 6.

Thank You.

ANXIETY, MY PEARL BEYOND PRICE

I'm in final preparations for my trip back to Ohio, to my hometown, and then on to Kentucky, to my folks' hometown. I'm picking my  sister up tomorrow; we'll overnight in West Virginia and go into our home place Thursday, getting in around noon.

I am aware that I am feeling much anxiety about this trip, and I am grateful for that. Am I talking trash? No...it's true. I was in my quiet time this morning, and the still small voice again made me aware that my anxiety truly is God's guide, walking me back to him. I learned this long ago, but every time it's reinforced, I feel blessed all over again.

I have felt intense anxiety at every important juncture of my life...and for years, fought it, prayed it would go away...and used the fact that it didn't disappear as my proof that there is no God. When God became a reality in my life, I finally just accepted me as an anxious person...that anxiety was going to be with me till three days after I'm dead, deal with it.

It was that turn around that gifted me with another layer of self-acceptance. I am an anxious person, and if that's the case, then God is aware of it. I, therefore, had to find my splinter of gold in anxiety that I could understand and be OK with. With that I got to look at anxiety from a new angle.

With the understanding that everything happens by invitation only...everything that happens to me personally happens by my personal invitation...I realized that God uses that which we give him to use. I give him anxiety, he uses that to let me know he is with me, guiding me, walking me through and back to him.

My anxiety is my pearl beyond price. Whatever anxiety I feel will only indicate more clearly God's presence within me/without me.

Thank You.