JOY IN FEAR

[The following is a reprint of my post of March 21, 2014.]

Joy and fear are on my mind this morning.

I have learned to welcome my fears…and to welcome them with joy. I remember when I used to try to rid myself of fear by shaming me..."If I have faith, I can't have fear; if I have fear, I don't have faith" was my mantra.

My mentor reminded me of the story of the Main Man in the New Testament. He went into the Garden where he prayed so hard that he sweat blood. As my mentor said, that wasn't joyous, fear-free praying, and he had a lot more faith than we're going to have in this lifetime…and very likely the next.

When I heard and understood that, I opened to the possibility of welcoming my fears of which I have my share and then some.

The fear that has become dear to me is my fear of insanity…it’s become dear because it has driven me to my knees and to God more completely than most anything in my life. I’ve never consciously feared death. But, in fact, fear of losing my mind…dementia, Alzheimer’s…are just fear of death, of losing me, losing control of me. As are thoughts of how I may die, of going broke trying to stay alive, of looking like a weasel in the whole process…comes to that, my rues, regrets and remorses are just fear. Fear of my past and my inability to change it in the memory of others.

I welcome the realization that all these are mine and are special to God for they need him the most...and it is my joy to deliver them to him.

Thank you.