I first heard of death when my Mom's father died. I was two years old. and we were living on our farm in Ohio. This was back when phones were not only uncommon, they were a rarity, and long-distance calls meant Big and usually Not Good news. Mom answered the call, and, crying, told me and my brother the sad news.
Believe it or believe it, I have total recall of this and truly I was two, my brother four. The two of us went out back to discuss this death thing. His take was that he didn't want to be here if Mommy and Daddy weren't here, too; my exact words: "I just don't want to be left alone."
I was well into adulthood before I was gifted with the full understanding of those early words...the unintended consequences as it were. That the most important word in that decision was "left"...to never be left alone.
My revelation: To never be left alone one can never let anyone in. So, there was me bass-ackwards trundling through life constantly searching for someone to be my forever protector...rejecting as I went because there is no forever guarantee.
Ah, but with that revelation I flashed that God's will for me was precisely the opposite of my will for me. His will was to set me on the spiritual path and keep me on that path heading toward God and for God alone. How I managed that was why I have free-will...it was my life's journey to walk with God as my guide.
The full import of that is to recognize that without a Power greater than ourself to rely on, it must needs be our egoic reasoning mind that makes our decisions, our life-choices...and my ego, which I have named Lucy With the Football, always legislates for self.
Here's freedom: Realizing it was my want-to, to forever have a human someone to protect me, that directly countermanded God's will for me. God's will for me was and is to trust my God-center utterly and to live a full life. Full of fun and tragedy and to know them as equals...in God's hands
The wonderment...that is to Love and Laugh.
Thank you.
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