Shortly after the new year I asked God if maintaining silence no matter what is always his will for me. This had been my inner message in regard to JoB, which I did, and it gave me great comfort. However, recently I had two different occasions (same situation, different times) to respond in silence or verbally.
The first occasion I responded with a calm voice, even laughing as I spoke my objection...I literally could hear my own self wonder at this because this is not me, not my pattern in speaking out. My pattern has been to remain calm but the tone of my voice becomes hard, cold...sounding almost threatening. The sound of egoic nerves most likely.
The second occasion I responded with the voice of fire and fury, lashing out in rage...which has never, not ever, been my pattern. Depending on my perceived call to arms, if a calm response did not feel appropriate, then a harsh response did, and, saying nothing, I would retreat into myself with a stony face left behind.
I have pondered these happenings...sought insight from my spiritual adviser, my mentor and a friend, and, better yet, sat in questioning silence with the God of my understanding. I saw clearly that God doesn't give blanket solutions...on occasion of need, go to God in faith, and we will see more clearly.
I believe I got my directions...love is the always answer, but silence is not the always path to walk it. I was given two choices...the first, calm and laughing, fit my inner and outer self just fine. The second, petulant rage, not at all. That one all but left needle marks on my conscience.
Let me be clear: I did not get my want fulfilled either time...which leads me to believe my want is irrelevant to me...let it be. Apparently, however, it is the necessary path for the other to walk...bless my thoughts about her, and let it be.
And there it is...my sliver of gold. To give over, give up, give in is to give all to God, and all is well.
Thank you.
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