THE DARK NIGHT OF MY SOUL

It is shortly after 5:00 AM, and I am feeling sick with fear of dementia...of losing my mind.

I just awoke unable to remember...period...not even how to turn on the TV. 

I am just now remembering this is how my anxiety works me...remembering that does not relieve it.

I have talked me through it and got the morning news on my TV, but my belly is butterfried. I am feeling fear right this minute.

Ah, comes the quiet word: I need to welcome fear...hug it and kiss it and let it be. Then do the next thing that I need to do. First, my quiet time and then get busy with my dailies. 

My belly still burns...it's the afterburn of anxiety. Thank You, Jesus.

Later another wave: I realize I am experiencing the dark night of my soul. I feel gutbucket fear. I know no one to talk with...I am all alone...I repeat Jesus repeatedly, but I feel nada...just fear and a burning belly. 

Lord, hear my prayer...thank You. I repeat...repeatedly.

I say to myself, and I believe it I hope...this is me crashing and burning. This is the necessary crash and burn from which I must leave nothing but ashes...no hope, no idea of lifting me up; hopeless, helpless, fearful, without a single hope of help...mostly afraid that I am doubting the Lord.

I do not need outside help...I need the Father within...or is that just another self-determined objective that is standing in the way of my utter defeat? 

My belly burns, I feel no hope, just a darkness in my chest...this is the dark night of my soul...I cannot force my way out of this. My brain knowing this is the Way, the Way of the Lord...crash and burn to rise again...feels like useless information as I sit in the middle of it. 

Thy will, Thy way...Lord, help me my unbelief. Thank You.

Thank you.