WELCOME THE UNSURE OF SURE

Reading of the trials and tribulations of the many Saints who have gone before, of their hanging in and hanging tough, of the essential dark night of the Soul is all well and good, but living through it...not so inspiring in the actual slog. That's why it's called The Dark Night Of The Soul...duh.

Studying the Sermon this morning, I read about not trusting our treasures that will rust and rot but trust our Father within. 

We know, of course, that our treasures are not merely money, stocks, bonds, and pensions, but I have found it interesting how long it has taken me to not go to money-in-the-bank as my first thought.

Today I know that my treasure is faith in God...ah, but faithful endurance in the face of anxiety, no matter what evidence to the contrary my nerves speak, is my test today. Trust in my personal sanity while my heart trembles and my hands shake must come through the grace of God...for sure, it is not willable.

Here's where my personal experience can lift me up and carry me through for this mirrors what I went through fifty years ago...when I was first learning to lean on God, and then only because I had nothing else to lean on. 

I have come to believe (a tish shakily but want-to counts) that my treasure is the unseeable, untouchable, the humanly unprovable that comes by the grace of God, period. Which is where I seem to be today...anxiety riding herd, while I hope to endure, want to endure, seek only my Father which art in Heaven. Ah, with my unceasing thank you for it is this unsureness, this panic that is keeping me mentally turned to God. 

Passing thought, new anxiety: What if it is my idea of God that I must loose and let go? And open to the mystery, unknowable in this world, of God. Not just of my understanding but of God. Which I cannot bring forth because maybe want-to doesn't count, doesn't not count. God is. And there's the breaker...letting God Be. Love and laugh. 

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. -- Matthew 6:19-21 

Thank you.