FEAR...MY MOTIVATOR, MY ANGEL

I realized this morning that my reasoning mind is ready, willing...almost eager for this life...for my life...to be over.

When that thought flitted through my mind, I started examining me for the why?, the what's going on that I'm not aware of?

I honestly and completely know that I have no dissatisfaction with my life. I have never been happier, more comfortable within my own skin, more at peace within and without myself. Never have I had more true and loving friends. I have enough to meet my needs...plus I have Ruckus for whom all right-thinking people envy me.

Fortunately, long ago I came to understand that there are two emotions from which all else stems: love and fear. If I'm feeling good about anything, it's love; if I'm feeling not good about anything, it's fear. So my dig started with...what do I fear about living longer? What's the mosquito spoiling my day at the beach?

And there it is, my lifelong nemesis...being left alone. I fear being left alone. Left alone to fend (or not) for myself, dependent on the Aunt Stellas of the world. Aunt Stella being the coldest, most self-absorbed, truly most heartless person I've ever known. Aunt Stella was a nurse.

When fear is my motivator, I get to walk toward it. How do I do that here?

I invite the mental picture of the absolute worst-case for me personally. I see me, mute and paralyzed, on a hospital bed at an uncare center at age 100+ with Aunt Stella as my caretaker.

In the midst of that mental picture, I feel God enfolding me...I know God can and will enfold me in his loving care, and I will feel loved because I am love. I feel utterly protected, safe, at peace and free.

Geez, I almost welcome getting there.

Thank You.