Tuesday, December 1, 2020

AH, FEAR...I LOVE YOU SO

I'm experiencing unexpected inner changes. I feel like I am regressing, going backward at full speed...ah, but neither regretting nor trying to control the changes.   

For whatever reason, I remember back in the late '70s when I first began considering getting a dog. I thought about it, pondered, nattered, cried, prayed...did everything but actually get a dog. Out of the blue, an acquaintance at work mentions she has a Maltese, twelve weeks old...long/short, her family is being transferred overseas, she can't keep the Maltese.

I am assured that all any Maltese wants to do is to love...anyone and everyone...would I want him? 

More crying, nattering, praying till finally, in the midst of all my caterwauling, I go to my mentor and admit my innermost fear...even though I am assured that all a Maltese wants to do is to love, what if this Maltese can't love me? What if I'm the only person in the world a Maltese cannot love? 

Here's me admitting my deepest fear of the moment...that even a Maltese can't love me...and my beloved mentor answers, "That may be true. Maybe you are the only person in the whole world that a Maltese cannot love. So what?"

My mentor, who never minced words, presented a new way for me to think. More importantly, an entirely different way to process my fears...call 'em out. Welcome them. Let them be real. Then deal with them.

I got the dog, my first true love. and I am realizing as I am writing that he's still walking me. If not for that lesson learned, I'd probably not be welcoming my inner changes that feel like I'm speeding backward, unlearning as I go. No. It would be fear all decked out in sable and silk so as to sneak in catching me unawares.

Nothing turns me to God faster than fear...ah, fear, I love you so.

And by the way, I named my first true love Ari of Aslan.

Thank you.

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