This was my blinding flash of the obvious some time ago: Just saying it is my ego doing my thinking for me will not stop it...that would give me control...no, I must turn to God every time and give me and my will over to him each time. It may be that every delay, lie, exaggeration, fear-balk slows God's will as he deals with that ego-delay for me.
My friend Gertrude, who has moved to an assisted-living facility, is not adjusting well to her move. She has taken to calling me when she feels fearful. She called me five times within 45 minutes yesterday when I was in a Zoom meeting. Four times I answered quietly and told her I was in a meeting...the fifth time not so quietly.
Gertrude's lack of impulse control for which later I chewed her a new one, this morning I recognize as my own lack of impulse control.
After pondering and journaling about my reaction, I realize that I need Gertrude in my life to teach me impulse control. There is no change in Gertrude because of her move or otherwise, she has ever lacked impulse control...it is just magnified and multiplied by her fear now. Plus, the biggie: It was never directed at me before.
My intention: When Gertrude calls, no matter how often in an hour, to treat her with respect...being respectful of my own self at the same time. I plan to tell her upfront that I cannot keep her from calling, but that I will answer the first one and let any further calls go into voicemail. I know that if I hear a need, I can call her back.
In my journaling, I was given to wonder if this isn't a part of my recent insight that I am being changed, the fear-feeling being that I am being changed downward, made lesser.
I choose to believe that is my sliver of gold...that indeed I am being changed downward, away from self toward trust in the Cosmic Invisible which is leading me to where I need to be, using the tools I have selected for Its use. And I lean on Meister Eckhart's spiritual growth is about subtracting rather than adding on.
God's gifts often come in reused (by us) brown paper...when opened, we find the pearl of great price.
Thank you.
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