I've come to believe that we begin to realize acceptance of our own self when we "see" our same-old-same-old behavior on parade, and don't feeling guilty about it. We know something has changed, and we hope/know that the change occurred by God working through us.
It's a eye-blinking change that often we do not realize has happened until later...sometimes even as we're again thinking about how to make the change.
Much to my ego Lucy's regret, incoming anger has ever shut me down. I have never been able to top it or stop it as it comes at me, but then I would go home and tell my bathroom mirror exactly what I shoulda, woulda, coulda said. By long ago learning the art of de-personalizing, I quit asking God to help me stand up for myself (and there's a right-sounding, guilt-producing quagmire).
But one fine day I was met by an out-of-control angry person who was determined to strip me bare for what she "heard" me say...and then put her worse interpretation on that. I stood in silence, then said, Well, God bless you, and walked away. And have had no regrets since...no coulda's, no woulda's, no shoulda's.
Naturally, I thought about it later, and I realized without thinking, without preplanning, lo! God had given me what I never would have thought to ask for...acceptance of my self-described cowardice. My best thought had ever been that he help me hit back, harder. Ah, but God is not in any fight.
I realized that by not responding in kind, I could have no regrets. I could actually feel good about me within and, more important, no angst (isn't that peace?) toward the other.
My self-perceived wart had become a rose.
Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment