WE, OF OUR OWN SELVES, CANNOT

Acceptance. The very word is inviting. It has that huggable sound...that “Oh I want one!” sound. Well, get ready for a shock to the old hemorrhoids. Acceptance is just surrender wrapped in pretty paper. 

And, who’s kidding whom, we know what surrender means. Not to put too mean a point on it, it means You Lose. Stop Fighting. The war is over, and you lost. 

Until we surrender to the very fact that we've been resisting, the fact with all the hair on it, we will never reach the tra-la-la pretty. The paradox is that we have to kiss it on the lips in order to reach that part. We have to kiss it on the lips while it still looks like the frog it is...and feel in the doing totally alone, bereft, hopeless. And kiss it anyway. Because we have no hope. And here comes another paradox! As Walter Brueggeman says, "The home of hope is hurt.”

It is in that very hopelessness that we find God…who has been trying to get our attention all along. Fr. Richard Rohr says, "Divine love is received by surrender instead of performance or perfection." 

The perfection of acceptance is that it does not change the fact that we've been resisting...it changes our perception of that fact. From worst thing ever to God is so good to me. The essential ingredient? Our realization that we of our own selves cannot make that change. We go to God for God.

Thank you.  

ON SURRENDER AS THE ANSWER

In dealing with the dings, the dreads, the differences that life deals us, if we are ever to know real peace in and of our mind, the only thing that we need do is to simply change our mind. That is also the hardest thing life asks of us, to simply change our mind.

When we become entirely ready to do that, we meet the second hardest thing life asks of us: Give up. Then bitch a lot at our futile attempts. Then weep salty tears. Finally say our thank you...and laugh at ourselves. We've begun to understand that we're trying to think our way through surrendering our reasoning mind-power. 

What we are learning is to detach from the idea that we know or that we should know. We are coming to realize that our brain is not, never was or will be our reliance...that God is. Period. Exclamation point if we want...or question mark, more likely, to start with. 

More specifically, we come in time to realize and to accept that God, that power greater than ourselves, lives within us, is on our side, has our back, and can and will intervene in our life in our behalf.

That sounds so easy, so inviting. Yet when we're met with another one of life's dings or dreads we find how difficult believing really is. Mainly, because our reasoning mind linked with our ego will arise and go forth a-shouting, "This is awful! What am I going to do? Please don't let this happen...or un-cause it now that it has happened!! Please, please, please!!!"

That's why dings, dreads and differences are our angels. Nothing else will drop us to our knees so quickly, so completely. We know we're heading in the right direction when we hear ourselves pray, with (or without) peace in our head and heart, "Do your thing, God. You got the power, I don't. Thank you for my life just as it is right this very minute." Repeat as needed.

Then turn our attention to being of help somewhere else.

Thank you.

A NEED...NOT A WANT

[The following is an edited reprint of my blog of February 23, 2012.]

“I stand at the door and knock.” It is the Father within who stands at the door and knocks to be let out…to be released.

My needs are always met…by God. “The Father within knows my needs.”

My wants are sometimes met, sometimes not. It is my obsession with getting my wants filled that turns my wants into my god of the moment, and thus blocks the grace of God. It is known as free will, but there is nothing free about it.

There is nothing, per se, wrong with having wants…that’s how life moves forward. It is when I get all bogged down with whether I’ll get my needs met (do I have enough money to last the rest of my life?) that my wants grow spurs and ride me. That’s when I confuse my want (enough money to last forever) with my need (to know and to do God's will in my life).

It was during my 10 plus years of taking care of the IRS that I learned that…which is exactly why I know my experience with the IRS to be of God, a need I had, but assuredly not a want, and for which today I am deeply grateful.

Thank you.

LEARNING TO LAUGH AT OUR INEPT ATTEMPTS

Very possibly the first blinding flash of the obvious I ever had came to me on the playground at Mt. Logan School in my hometown. I wanted a hug from my brother, and he was utterly oblivious to me or my wants. I remember thinking then that I can't get a hug, I have to give a hug. I do not recall, but I can realistically doubt, that I went over and gave him a hug. 

My brother died when I was ten years old, and I never consciously thought of that again until I was well over thirty. The reason it came to mind then was that a group of us were all rhapsodizing about unconditional love, that we all needed it in our lives. My BFO was that no one can get unconditional love, we can only give unconditional love. And I recalled my thought about the hug all those years ago.

It was sometime later that I realized that, in fact, only God can give unconditional love. We can only give conditional love...and then go to God to hone down our conditions!

The paradox is that we can't get any of the inside things. The reason being is we already have them. They are ours to give...that's how we find out we already have them.

Take for instance, understanding. We can talk till our face falls off, we will not get understanding...we can get someone to agree that they understand but that's usually just to shut us up. Then, because they want to be understood, they start to talk...and talk...and talk…until we agree. Just to shut them up. The secret is, if we learn to honestly listen to each other in the first place, love does take seed and understanding grows and flows.

Reminds me of Dylan's song asking how many years? How many years does it take before we understand that our life is not about us...it's about others. It's about understanding that if we love our enemies, we will have no enemies. It's about realizing that all on our own we are incapable of doing that...of loving our enemies. But that the Spirit within us can and will if sought.

It’s about realizing that we already have that which we seek, but we must seek help from that Spirit, our higher power, in order to give it away. Daily. As we breathe. Without hesitation. And failing…then laughing at our inept attempts.

It’s about never giving up that single goal...for we are learning how to go to God for God. That is All.

Thank you.

PROOF THAT GOD LOVES ME

Woke up with a head banger this morning...telling off two different people at the same time and them in two different beds far, far away.

I was half way down the road to chewing them each a new one and utter despair that I'm going down that wrong road again.

That's when God whispered in my ear, "This is just a snowflake on the bosom of the Potomac."

God loves me so much.

Thank you.

GOLDEN RULES

I was contemplating a person's guilt this morning. His guilt is way out of proportion to his misdeed...plus it happened a dozen years ago. Double plus, his guilt is not mine to assuage. But I do empathize with him...mainly because he is still lashing out at the party he maligned, and he is utterly oblivious to the fact that that is the taproot of his ongoing guilt.

As I sat there, a quote of the long-time gone but never forgotten Senator Everett Dirksen (R-IL) floated through my mind. My recollection of that quote is, "This [event] will have all the force and effect of a snowflake on the bosom of the Potomac."

I applied that to the man's remarks all those years ago, and that is exactly the result they had on the person he was referring to. They had all the force and effect of a snowflake on the bosom of the Potomac.

I have always loved that quote...mainly because it applies so aptly to about 90% of all our rues, regrets and remorses.

That's going to be my co-golden rule. My golden rule is: Try not to be as nasty as you want to be. Now, right along with that: Let this have all the force and effect of a snowflake on the bosom of the Potomac. 

I hope I remember that.

Thank you.

ALL THAT IS REQUIRED

I got over myself yesterday…in a conversation with a person who had bad-mouthed me and wasn’t sure I knew. We were able to have a pleasant conversation, and I in no way zapped her with my knowledge…and I consciously made that choice even while we talked.

In like situations in the past, I have either shot really ugly zingers (and suffered the remorses of a dog beater), or I refrained from retaliating in kind only because I couldn’t think of anything not ugly-mean but sufficiently clever enough to make my point. So I would show nice then go home and shoot zingers at her to my bathroom mirror.

There is no permanent growth in practicing “good behavior” and thinking attack thoughts...according to me, and I speak from personal experience.

My job now is to keep my thoughts reined and turned to God…to grow loving thoughts toward that person in particular and to not entertain the inevitable ego-driven attack thoughts that will sneak through.

Here’s why that is so hard: All that is required of me is that I go to God for God. That is all.

Thank you.

GOD IS ALIVE AND LIVES IN OUR SOUL

What’s happening in prayer is that you’re presenting yourself for the ultimate gaze, the ultimate mirroring, the gaze of God. *** All true holiness is a reflected glory. - Fr. Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditations," February 21, 2014.

I had a very innocent conversation recently with a friend. When I got home, I realized the underlying need in that conversation, and I had missed it entirely. I was really beating on me for missing the unspoken need when I had a glimmer that started a turnaround, the change-my-mind process. 

I suddenly realized that while we talked, God was present...he was in on that conversation. My motives were pure as spring water, and my friend's need was unknown to me…and possibly to her. Whatever was said or not said, God was the translator. He intervened on our behalf...it was as it needed to be for both of us. 

As I went to sleep last night, I remembered my understanding of mirror vision…what I see as less than wonderful is God's perfection. Viewed with love (through God's eyes), there is nothing that is not just as it should be and for the benefit of all. All we need do is to believe...all we need do to believe is to change our mind.

To get up this morning and read the Rohr quote above...well, excuse me, but WOW. What a great gettin' up morning...God is alive and lives in my Soul.

Thank you.

DEFANGING OUR EGO

...if you want peace of mind, do not find fault with others. -- Sri Sarada Devi

If that quote is true, does it follow that if we don't find fault with others we cannot find fault (or, more especially, think ill) of ourselves? Probably not, but it may follow that we will be less likely to find fault or think ill of ourselves. 

As long as we live in an ego-based world, the world of the reasoning mind, there will always be some reason for thinking ill of ourselves...that's the justification for our ego's survival. The minute we think ill of ourselves, ego must puff itself up to justify, defend, protect us (it, actually). Its weapon of choice, of course, is you. 

So maybe it does follow that if we don't find fault with others, we cannot think ill of  ourselves. Our ego will have nothing to defend against.

Thank you.

IT JUST TAKES ONE

You are dwelling on something that took place in the past -- or, more likely, on how you misunderstood that event and reacted to your misunderstanding. -- "Words to Live By," by Eknath Easwaran, February 19

That is my idea of the perfect definition of resentment...most especially the second half of the sentence.

It is a great burden lifted when we learn to doubt that which we heard...that which we heard, and we know we heard it so there is no reason or way we should change our mind about it, or so says our ego-based reasoning mind. That's why changing our mind is the hardest thing we'll ever be asked to do. Basically, we have to disagree with our own self in order to even become willing to change our mind.

Too many of us misunderstand what is said to us based entirely on something else entirely. We all have, shall we say, a "minor" nemesis. That sucker will do our hearing for us more times than not. That is where we learn to look first before reacting.

Minor or major, whoever or whatever appears today to be our nemesis, know that is the source of all our woes. The quick-fix is: Learn to love it...kiss that sucker right on the lips. It is not to win over it nor beat it at its own game...we can't, we lose every time we try. No. It is to love it. It is our very own until we love it...at which point it is no longer a nemesis, it is something we've learned to laugh about.

Then, when we misunderstand again (and we will), we look within, say our thank you, and let God do his perfect work in and through all concerned. It just takes one to be a channel for God.

Thank you.

TRY TO REMEMBER

Things my reasoning mind finds easy to forget:

1. The only words God needs to hear from us are "Thank you." It is, however, never wrong to chat with God whenever and about anything.
2. "Yes, and..." covers nicely our required conversational discourse with others.
3. Do not ask God for anything in prayer...for by the very asking we reject that which we seek which already is.
4. Do not forget to meet life's difficulties with love and laughter.
5. Love and laughter are the only guaranteed ego deflators.
6. Try never to be as nasty as we want to be.
7. A character defect is something we like about ourselves that puts others off.
8. Do not sling mud...it will land in the middle of our own face every time.
9. To upgrade our attitude is to upgrade our problem.
10. Faith without works is fantasy.

Thank you.

WE'VE GOT THE SOURCE...USE IT

"What we see is always ourselves," in one way or the other, is written in many if not most of the spiritual books I have read. I think of that...usually after I've sat in judgment…of, say, Rush Limbaugh. Actually, I should fall to my knees and thank almighty God for Rush Limbaugh...he has done more to head me in the right direction than anyone with the possible exception of my sister. Unfortunately, the heading in the right direction always starts with me having to turn around because I'm way off in the wilderness before loving kindness, good orderly direction, judge not...any of the goodies...ever occurs to me.

Who we are, inside, and what we are all about, inside, is God's treasure trove. His gift to each of us personally. 

The big Oh Rats is after we learn that fact, after we know from our toenails up that God lives within, that God IS our treasure trove, and yet still we live on the surface, looking outward, seeking treasure, finding trash.

The surprise is when we realize that is doing it right! We must needs live in that crossover place until we have become entirely ready for God to lift us over, also known as surrender.

I'm a believer that becoming entirely ready is continuing to do what we're doing until we start disliking ourselves for doing it…and more each time. That's the beginning of the turnaround, the beginning of our changing our minds. I agree with a friend who says that changing his mind is like turning the Queen Mary...it takes time. 

What if we are that which we judge? What if, as we sit in judgment of the actions of a friend, an enemy, the nation (our or theirs), that which we judge is us?  If that be true, we'd best start sitting in judgment with love as our guide. 

We've got the Source right there within us...why not use it?

Thank you.

A CONSCIOUSNESS OF ENOUGH

My morning's blinding flash of the obvious: Build a consciousness of enough and never lack for anything.

I ponder that and understand in order to build that consciousness, we go to God for God and that is all. We realize that is the way, the way to enter a consciousness of enough. It is that consciousness of enough that carries us through the fear of personal catastrophe...which is simply a sense of separation from God.

I have experienced this for fact. Thirty some years ago, I invited the IRS into my life. With my savings taken, with my salary attached, I did not borrow, I did not accept freebies of any kind, and you can believe I never went hungry...nor did my dog.

With our consciousness of enough, we pay our way without fear...a little anxiety maybe, but it matters not...we have a consciousness of enough.

Rest in the realization of I AM...I AM here, now. There is no future to fear, there is no past to rue, there is only here, now...and that is enough.

Thank you.

SEEK GOD THEN GET OUT OF HIS WAY

There is nothing that is not spiritual for those who have learned how to see. - Fr. Richard Rohr

According to spiritual teaching, we must seek to be least. That means, among other things, we must seek to be least in our cracked/broken friendships. When our reasoning mind knows she is wrong, and we are right, then, right then, we must consciously seek to put him first, to put her, in every way, before us. 

It is important, however, to not act immediately on that decision for that too often makes it a self-determined objective. We do not yet know God's will for how this is to be perfected. It is in our realization that we must put the other first that it is done...it is completed. The cosmic part comes next, and we can only willingly wait on that. God's got the power, let Him use it.

We'll find little bitty baby steps following...thinking blessings on him, speaking kindly of her, and most importantly disciplining our mind to pull up every time our ego reminds us how right we really were and how wrong s/he really was.

I'll own the fact that if I hadn't personally experienced the miracle of doing this, I'd be very doubtful on reading about it. But I have personally experienced the miracle. Briefly, in one instance, I made the decision to put him first, let it perc for awhile, then called him. She was not available, and then, that very night after not having seen her for months, I ran into her. All the tension was gone, everything moved forward smoothly, and later we were able to talk ego-free about the original problem. We've been good friends since. 

God can and will if sought...and we get out of the way.

Thank you.

AIM OUR THOUGHTS TOWARD GOD

Yesterday I talked with a lady who shared some bad news. Her health has not been good, and an even worse diagnosis has been given to her...her chronic pain will increase and there is no cure. 

My heart hurt for her, but I hurt not for her diagnosis, not for her increasing pain...I hurt for her resistance to the fact. 

We talked, and she said she was just not ready yet to "find the gold" in this, not ready to say "thank you," not ready in fact to walk away from her fear and her dark fantasies. Who can't understand that? I, in my reasoning mind, completely understand it, can even justify taking an hour to wallow in the fear and the dark. 

The trouble, of course, is that when we give into the darkness of fear, there is no assurance when we can come back from there...or even IF we will.

When we give permission for our ego to link up with our fear, we have jumped back into our quagmire...which is self, simply self. Where we are powerless to extract ourselves on our own and our fear tells us we shouldn't have to. Where we are led to understand that if there were a God, we wouldn't be here in the first place. Which leaves us all alone again...naturally.

The answer is so simple that it's no wonder we overlook it...it's no wonder we can think we're not ready "yet" to find our gold, to say our thank you. The answer is beyond our reasoning mind. It is beyond common sense. The answer is: Welcome this for it is of God. Our reasoning mind will never get us there...cannot get us there, to God. 

Our illness, my friend's illness, may be incurable, may be progressive, but in God's care we can live happily with it. We just aim our thoughts toward God. Our mind is the bow, thank you is the arrow...aim high and let fly. 

Thank you.

YES, BUT...OH RATS

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…. - Matthew 6:13

Thank you for leading us not into temptation, but delivering us from ego. - My blinding flash of the obvious this morning.

I'm reminded of the answering machine message of a friend: A call comes in, the machine picks up, and his message is, "It is not them."

I love that sooo much. I love it because it is applicable every single time I am peeved at her, him, you, them...it is not them. "'Be not afraid, it is I,' saith the Lord."

This morning I am right and they are wrong, and their wrongness has unintended consequences which I am going to put into motion, and then they'll be sorry.

Thank you for leading me not into temptation, but delivering me from ego.

Thank you.

PS  Your job's not done, God..."Yes, but" just popped up. :>)

RESIST NOT EVIL...HAVE A LAUGH INSTEAD

We are told that we must fight evil at every turn…yet the Sermon teaches us to “resist not evil.” 

I’ve come to my own understanding of those seemingly opposite views. First,  I have dropped the very word “fight” from my word selection. ..also “resist.” Fighting and resisting, to me, are open calls for my ego to gear up, take charge, put the old self on parade.

The act of fighting evil is to not dwell in my temptations’ hidey holes. I read once that we can't hate that which we honestly understand. That seemed reasonable to me so I do seek to understand the temptation, be it person or thing. The trick is to understand it without inviting it in to do my thinking for me. 

I had an example just the other day of a temptation singing my song. An acquaintance had stepped on my toes, but I know the drill. I know to not react in kind, so my behavior was excellent…my ego, however, was incensed. I consciously ran the scene over in my mind, came to an understanding of what I believed the acquaintance was about, and let her off the hook. Said, "Thank you, God," and immediately the next word in my mind was, “but….” I knew without going one thought further that I had not let her off the hook. That “but” was my justification for continuing to chew her a new one in my mind...for building a resentment, furnishing it, living there.

All that afternoon, I tried different ways to understand her so that I could get free of me. Each and every time that I felt free and said my thank you, “but” followed. It became fairly funny, truth to tell.

I finally called a friend, told her the story and in the talking, I saw me and realized what had me hooked. I was able finally to let the acquaintance walk free in my mind.

So “fighting evil at every turn” pretty much boils down to “see our ego at every turn.” It is detaching from its siren song that sets us free. There. That is resist not evil...become transparent to it and let it flow on through. Get a giggle out of it while we’re at it.

Thank you.

HUG, KISS, LET GO

A friend was once struggling with the fact that her teenage kids were leaving home. She said that she finally realized what she must do: "I get to hug them and kiss them and let them go. That is all." 

Over the years, I've used that on my resentments, my defects, my judgments, whatever. Instead of nurturing them through guilt, hate and shame (that ugly little voice in my ear saying, "You should be able to forget about this, turn this over, let this go."), I consciously and out loud say, "I hug you, I kiss you, I let you go." 

I wonder why it still amazes me that giving over gets...peace, love and inner joy. That may well be the only way of knowing true peace, love and inner joy.

We can pray for them till our face falls off, until we give them, we're just spitting out words. To consciously give...what? Reprieve? Father forgive me, but forgiveness still sounds sanctimonious to me, but that's it of course. What it is is to forget that which hurt us, peeved us in the first place. Try doing that on your own with no help from a higher power.

It's like a little kid going to her mom to kiss her boo-boo, make the hurt go away; indeed, the hurt goes away. And the kid has just kissed the thing himself to save a trip inside to his mom...and the hurt went nowhere. Not till Mom kissed it, was it made it better. 

We hug it, we kiss it, we let it go. In short, we give it to God…and our hurt goes away.

Thank you.

GOD'S OWN GPS

I watched the Beatles' 50th celebration on TV last night and was shocked to remember that JFK was assassinated less than three months before the Beatles came to us via Ed Sullivan. Oh, the excitement! That November of 1963 I did not believe I would ever smile again.

No idea why, but I'm reminded of a song of the '60s that had the line, "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

My big-time wow was learning that all it takes to grow younger is for me to get over myself. And it's true...won't keep the grey hair from growing, won't stop the wrinkles from coming, but it will stretch our minds which is where younger lives. We stay active and positive because we are seeking to give...to give to you, not to get for me. It requires us to ever be aware that our happiness depends on your happiness.

The giant hook, of course, is that we cannot do that on our own.

I cannot possibly be more concerned for your happiness than I am for my own just by deciding to do that no matter how right I believe that to be. I know this for an absolute fact because I've tried it so many times and failed so consistently. The end result was me cursing total strangers, kicking the dog (not really...maybe wanting to), just angry. Does resentful ring a bell?

How can having such high-flown objectives not be God's will? It's that splat of ourselves all over the sidewalk that awakens us to the fact that though that may well be God's will, God has a different way of getting there. His own GPS so to speak. We need to follow his guidance...or it's just another self-determined objective, our own self-will, which will run us ragged yet never get us where we need and even want to be.

God's will and our will may be the exact same thing...but we must seek and follow God's will to get there. 

Thank you.

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Pilgrimage to the place of the wise is to find escape from the flame of separateness. - Jalaluddin Rumi

Refuse to lose...the battle cry of the loser; strive to win...the battle cry of the ego. Both fear of losing and obsession with winning are one and the same...just another hidey-hole for separateness.

“Live to fight another day” can be upgraded to “live to give another day.”

Live to fight is a self-determined objective with our goal being self, all things self...protection, will, image. Live to give is of God with others as its goal. It is important to know and to note: It must be all others. Except just one anything, that exception becomes our god, and we've fallen back into the fight mode.

All of this came to me this morning when I read a note I had written in God Calling: "1986 - my actions are good; my thoughts and fantasies are not - to turn my anger/attack nature over to God." 

There's the proof that God can and will if sought...because I do what I'm writing about the majority of the time today. Sometimes that's only 51 percent, but that is a majority. Unfortunately, when I'm in the 49 percent, I am 100 percent there. But that is more than I could ever have done on my own...and it keeps me aware of the fact that I am a rank beginner still in the art of letting go.

Thank you.

GO TO GOD FOR GOD...THAT IS ALL

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? This question has been making the rounds for decades now. The tripwire is when we answer, "Both!"  That is the point where "right" becomes the mud that we pick up and sling in our own face. To have both requires someone else to be wrong. Proving to him his wrongness and letting others know not how right we were but how wrong she was becomes our obsession. 

It is our reasoning mind that clings to the fantasy of being right and happy. It is the reasoning mind that fights the reality that agreeing with our adversary quickly brings peace of mind.  

I am convinced that we will not accept the reality over the fantasy because the fantasy is so present...here, now. The reality, peace of mind, takes time...God's own time. 

First, we must be willing to change our minds, then we must turn to God to do that! We swear if we could change our minds just like flipping a switch, we'd do it. Imagine the surprise of learning that when we discipline ourselves to first go to God, it really is like flipping a switch. 

I don't have to imagine that trying for "right and happy" is a short cut to misery, self-pity and a sense that something is wrong...which, of course, leads to trying to find someone to blame.

When we learn to go to God for God...and that is all...we can and will be right and happy for we will have ceased fighting anything and anybody.

Thank you.

GOD WHISPERING IN MY EAR

Per Fr Richard Rohr, how we do anything is how we do everything. I've read that in several different books of his and have heard him say it in lectures. I accept it as true, but I had to really work to wrap my brain around it.

Then I recalled some 40 years ago, a friend and I were talking, realizing how opposite we were in dealing with life. She was extremely intelligent, strong-willed and very accomplished...she got things done. I knew mine was an intuitive nature and that I relied...a lot...on inner direction (which I did not yet recognize as God). 

She saw a problem? She righted it...or gave it her best shot. She dug in at any rate. I saw a problem? I felt overwhelmed, figured I could do nothing about it and learned to either live with it or avoid it. And bitched a lot.

All these years later as I look back, I see how her way has worked extremely well for her. And my way has worked equally well for me. 

I have no way of knowing how she mellowed with her way (in general we all do mellow, with age), but I look at my way, and I am filled with gratitude...with awe and gratitude. For what I see is that which I thought of way back then as my gutless wonder approach to life was actually me learning early the road to acceptance. It's what Rohr calls "a daily merging with the problem and finding its full resolution." 

I know the one constant that has helped me immeasurably over the years in merging with my problem(s). I just mentally repeat, “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, 'Let it be, oh, let it be.'" There. The Beatles to my rescue with their song, Let It Be.

For all I know, my friend may use Einstein's Theory of Relativity, but "Let it be" is God whispering in my ear.

Thank you.

TRUDGING THE HAPPY ROAD

It takes serious discipline, I'm finding, to cut myself off from my own fantasies of setting others straight and substituting fantasies where we all come out winners. 

I am blessed with an acquaintance whose one goal in life, it seems, is to needle me. Not returning needle for needle is a great quality, but my ego-victory mind has a hard time actually doing that. 

I was mentally setting the attack lady straight recently, and I couldn't quite get the knife in deep enough...I kept going back and improving my putdown. Which did nothing positive for my mind's general state of being…the darker my thoughts, the more attacked I felt, the more mired I became in my own spite.

The thought occurred that the next time she needles, I can take a minute or two to chat with her. What I suspect that I do is cop an attitude of superior silence...I don't want to spend one more minute with her than I absolutely have to. Who would when all that's coming is needles and nails? 

I'm reminded of the advice I once read in "Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment." Something like, when all that's coming at you is ugly, invite more ugly in. You can't get to the other side of it by hiding from it, avoiding it, pretending it is not there.

I don't know that chatting with her will change anything with her, but it will keep my mind focused on more pleasant things, and that is the source of my misery...my reactive thoughts, my own attack mind.

We know we’re heading in the right direction when we're content just trudging the road of happy destiny.

Thank you.

BLESSED BY MY ENEMIES

[The following is a reprint from my blog of February 25, 2011.]

 “Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence of mine enemies….”  - from The 23rd Psalm

I see myself, alone in a pasture, sitting in the middle of a red and white checked tablecloth, enjoying a picnic lunch.

Encircling me, at the far edges of the pasture, are all my enemies. I cannot quite see their shapes or faces, but I know they are my enemies, and I fear they are ravenous beasts, razor-clawed birds of prey, all with the intent of tearing me apart.

They are closing in, coming closer, seeming as on a wave, nearer ever nearer, almost to the hem of my tablecloth…I begin to discern their features, their identities. They are people, events, times of my life…all representing my rues, my regrets, my remorses.

As I recognize each one, I realize I fear no evil for Thou art with me, and the oncoming wave becomes golden, and turns on my enemies, washing them clean. They now see themselves in my rues, regrets and remorses, and I see their nothingness in the absence of my fear/the presence of my God…I smile, and they gently fade away.

Thank you.

WE MUST BE UTTERLY BROKEN

I got up this morning and was almost immediately hit with a blinding flash of the obvious: It is my resistance to Lars being Lars that must be broken, and it cannot be broken by my self-determined objective. It must be broken by God’s grace when, if and as God chooses.

When I got around to my morning readings, I found each of them was all about exactly that.

Fr Richard Rohr, Daily Meditations:  “What the saints and mystics say is that some event, struggle, relationship, or suffering in your life has to lead you to the edge of your own resources. There has to be something that you by yourself cannot understand, fix, control, change, or even begin to deal with. It is the raw experience of ‘I cannot do this.’ All you can do at this point is wait and ask and trust.”

God Calling: “When human support or material help of any kind is removed, then My power can become operative.”

Eknath Easwaran, Words to Live By: “Violence, war, and insensitivity to our fellow creatures are external manifestations of the disunity seething in our consciousness.” [My emphasis added.]

I asked God to break my ego’s hold on my resistance to Lars being Lars. It cannot happen by my self-determined objective for then I am still in control. It is I who must be broken. As long as I feel a smidgen of want to explain, justify, clarify, etc., then ego is sailing my ship.

It is ego (a.k.a. fear) that blocks us. The want to be right, feel the victim, set another straight, get another’s understanding, comfort, love…as long as any one of those feelings is operative, that is the God of our understanding.

It is the complete despair of ever getting any of our perceived needs met that cracks the iron shell of ego-resistance and invites God through. We may never get that which we were so desperately seeking, and we will know this which we have been given is beyond reasoning better.

Thank you.

NEED LOVE? BE LOVING

It came to me once that we keep trying to get what we’ve already got…by trying to get it, we deny that we’ve got it…which keeps us trying to get it. 

Take, for instance, patience...or any of the loving kindnesses we find ourselves asking God for whenever we're feeling mean, ugly and put-upon. To show patience, be patient. To show courtesy, be courteous. We already have all the loving kindness there is, and it is within us right this minute...else where do we go to get it?  

This is another one of those the concept of which is easy to grasp. But doing it? Doing it as we breathe? Here comes ego on a gallop...breathing fire. 

It is our ego-victory thinking, hidden just beneath the surface of our mind, that is ever ready to trample any idea, any will, but its own. Our ego is fueled by our refusal to accept that our thinking is faulty. We may freely admit that it is...even brag about it just to show how self-aware we are. But let go of our reasoning mind?  "That's insanity," whispers our ego.

Actually, we don't need to "loose it and let it go." We just need to be sure it's in second place...third or fourth place, even better. First, behind God. Second, behind our mentor. Third, behind our friend. Fourth, behind our enemy. 

We'll know we're heading for Home when we realize they are all one and the same...and ego is no part of it.

Thank you.

FEAR OF TRUSTING GOD

I dreamed last night:

I am living in poverty. I am gifted with the Hope Diamond. I am ecstatic…all my worries are over. I’m told its value which is more money than I ever dreamed of having. I’m also told that the value may double or even triple within a day or two. Of course I hold onto it because if a million is good, etc. Weeks pass. I do nothing but worry and check on the value…has it gone up yet? How bout now? Any movement today? I do not have a buck to buy a dollar meal with. I am starving as I clutch my Hope to my heart. I think of how much more money I will get if I just hold on to my fortune another day or two. As I lay dying, I realize my death is not from starvation but from fear. Fear of trusting God. I hear again, "God can and will intervene in your life in your behalf." And I realize that before God can and will...anything, I must needs let go. God will not force me...I have free will to choose.

Choose ye this day....

Thank you.

WE GOTTA GO TO GOD

Every spiritual truth we learn, we need to put into practice by living it. The overwhelming majority of us learn it just to quote it to others when we see how badly they need it, but too rarely do we live it ourselves.

I have a friend who is right and her employer is wrong. She may wind up quitting her job over it. I do not tell her that what we see is always ourselves. I do not tell her for she already knows it...she has had to remind me often enough. 

The trouble with being right, and being righteous about it, is it gives us no comfort. Yet we live our lives fearing ever being wrong...or getting caught being wrong. 

When we are married to our rightness, it covers us like a comforter, but it's a comforter of needles and pins. Our every thought is filtered through how right we are. The nail in the needles is that being right means there is somebody walking around wrong, somebody our right is resisting. And that one either doesn't have sense enough to realize his wrongness or, worse, she believes we are the wrong one.

And all the time all we have to do to find peace is to change our mind.

What? Give in? Let him win? Be a loser? 

Here's the paradox...giving in, letting her win, being a loser is the basis for peace in our hearts and minds. Then there's the reality...we cannot do any of those things through self-will. We must needs go to a power greater than our reasoning mind, and our reasoning mind cannot conjure up a power greater than itself. It can only accept that there is such a thing. Another paradox: It can only accept that through giving in, etc. 

I'm convinced it's proof of God's sense of humor that all we need do to be free of any perceived problem is to change our mind...and we cannot do that on our own. We gotta go to God. Yet. Again. Always.

Thank you.