I came across a note I wrote in my God Calling on this day in 1980: "...my being ruled by 'slight provocations' has determined my life choices." That's another one of those truths, like "Gossip is the glue that held my family together," a fact I learned in therapy, yea many years ago.
Putting them both down in black and white, I can see the ribbon running through. If gossip is the glue that holds the family together, then slight provocations will become the determiner of what to do or not to do just to avoid being the goat, the one gossiped about. Looking good...appearing well put together...sounding smart. All facade, all ego-driven, all self-based resulting in a totally self-protected life.
I have often thought that I am great in no alternative situations...I can hit acceptance in a heartbeat if I have no alternative. But how many no alternative situations do we get in life? Relatively few in my life...yet, in looking back, it seems like I was forever having options to take and decisions to make. With slight provocations being the determiner, I've quit jobs, dropped friends and loves, made cross-country moves. Some have even been for the better, but it's like the oldie about even a broken clock being right twice a day. A hard way to live one's life.
Of necessity, this is where I lived when there was no spiritual guidance in my life. I always believed in the existence of God in the universe, I just had no knowledge of a personal loving higher power.
Today, one of my favorite quotes is Saint Augustine's prayer: "Grant what thou commandest and then command what thou will." That's the ultimate security in the turning over of oneself...which is essential if one is ever to leave the ego-driven, self-protected life.
Thank You.
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