A long time ago I was a serial candy stripper. And I didn't even know what a candy stripper was until a friend gently explained it to me.
Since this was a good 30 or 40 years ago, they may not even exist today, but "candy stripper" got its name from volunteers in hospitals who wore little pink and white stripped (candy stripped) aprons and visited patients, passing out magazines, etc., or just chatting with patients to help them feel cared for.
From that, a candy stripper came to be someone who, when you're going through something painful, tries to make you feel better by fudging facts, or who finds excuses for you for mistakes you have made and need to look at, or who tries to turn a situation to your advantage when you're seriously trying to find a truth that you're afraid is going to hurt.
Well! I thought that is what a friend did...that that was a friend's job. I thought that was being "supportive." No, that is candy stripping.
A not uncommon result of candy stripping is it gives the person someone to blame when s/he has to walk through the pain anyhow. From which resentments are born on both sides.
Rule of thumb...if God wouldn't do it that way, it's probably not a good idea.
This is how we learn to be a friend...remembering first that it is not our job to point out to a friend his various and sundry defects, but, when asked, we get to answer truthfully, with love as our guide. And, heavy on the love part...it is way too easy to use truth as a weapon if we're not thinking love.
A friend once said to me that she felt judged by some remark I'd made when, in fact, judging was the furthest thing from my mind. I simply replied that I regretted she felt that way, but that I'm not responsible for how she feels, nor am I responsible for how she chooses to interpret what I have to say. She later thanked me.
In the past, her remark would have had me apologizing endlessly, then later building a huge resentment because "she made me, etc., etc., etc." That's another tier of candy stripping...trying to make someone feel good at our own expense and then building a resentment because she "made us" do it.
It's all about taking responsibility for our own thoughts, words and deeds. It is so much easier when we have made our decision to know and trust that God has our back.
Thank You.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
LEARNING TO LOVE
This is a reprint of a previous blog of mine from August 11, 2011.
[The idea for the following came from the ”Lazy Man’s Guide
to Enlightenment,” by Thaddeus Golas.]
I prayed to God, confessing that I know not how to love. I asked Him to please show me, teach me how to love with the love that was in Christ Jesus. When I looked up, there before me was an ugly monster - grotesque in every way. I felt revulsion and turned away.
I prayed to God, confessing that I know not how to love. I asked Him to please show me, teach me how to love with the love that was in Christ Jesus. When I looked up, there before me was an ugly monster - grotesque in every way. I felt revulsion and turned away.
And a Voice asked, “What was it that you thought needed to
be loved?”
I prayed to God, and I asked him to please show me, teach me
how to love with the love of Christ. When I looked up, there before me was a
beautiful woman - perfect in every way. But when she spoke, harsh judgments
dropped from her mouth. I felt superior and turned away.
And a Voice asked, “What was it that you thought needed to
be loved?”
I prayed to God, begging him to show me, teach me how to
love with the love of Christ. When I looked up, there before me was a most
average little man - nondescript in every way. I felt bored and turned
away.
And a Voice asked, “What was it that you thought needed to
be loved?”
I prayed to God, confessing that I know not how to love. And
I looked up and there stood me - ugly in my mind, harsh judgments on my lips,
nondescript in every way.
And a Voice said, “Beloved.”
Thank You.
Thank You.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
EVOLUTION OF CONSCIOUSNESS
We use inspiration where we find it. An "Agnes" cartoon of January 3, 2009, continues to inspire me, and I never, but never, read "Agnes." I didn't read that one all the way through, but I tore out and saved the very first block of the strip. Every time I come across it, I feel inspired all over again:
Agnes is reading from a book, Stuff That Sounds Smart. The balloon over her says, "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness."
There. Where ever I am in my evolution, when I read that, I feel relieved.
Thank You.
Agnes is reading from a book, Stuff That Sounds Smart. The balloon over her says, "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness."
There. Where ever I am in my evolution, when I read that, I feel relieved.
Thank You.
Friday, April 27, 2012
THE GIFT OF RISKS
What if: Anxiety is God's pathway to me? What if: I have chosen anxiety? What if: God honors my choice and uses it to walk me back to him?
If any or all of those be true, my lesson must be to never try to stop or to overcome anxiety for that is the tool I have given God to use to open me to him. I can let it flow through and to the Father within who does the work of pulling me in...back from my ego-self to my center.
The actual doing, the not fighting, feels like an enormous risk. Fortunately, it is the risks we take that bring us closer to God. Sitting hunkered in a corner, mentally or physically, will only guard against help...from outside and from inside.
Thank You.
If any or all of those be true, my lesson must be to never try to stop or to overcome anxiety for that is the tool I have given God to use to open me to him. I can let it flow through and to the Father within who does the work of pulling me in...back from my ego-self to my center.
The actual doing, the not fighting, feels like an enormous risk. Fortunately, it is the risks we take that bring us closer to God. Sitting hunkered in a corner, mentally or physically, will only guard against help...from outside and from inside.
Thank You.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
LOVE AND LAUGHTER = GOD
"There is nothing I can do about that," is another paradox. If we say it in resignation, then nothing gets done about that. However, if we say it in acceptance, then the door to possibilities opens. For it is in the acceptance of our powerlessness that God is invited to do his thing. Just another step in learning to trust that God does indeed have our back.
As long as we're resigned to the fact that there is nothing we can do about it, the more hopeless we feel. Because at that point we allow it to mean that there is nothing that can be done about it. Big difference in the reality.
Resignation translates into feeling we're stuck forever with this awful situation; acceptance means, "We can't, God can, let's work with him and see what happens."
I'm guessing the process always starts out with the feeling of resignation, hopelessness. Which sets up our will to win, but, as with any defect that we sincerely want to be rid of, the harder we try to rid ourselves of it, the larger it looms. Pay anything 100% attention, negative or not, and it is going to grow...and the more negative the attention, the more warped the growth.
Unfortunately, we seem to have been taught early on that admitting that there is nothing we can do about something, anything, is a sign of weakness...why, you can do anything you want to do, just set your mind to it, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. (Personally, I've always liked "If at first you don't succeed, quit, don't be an ass about it," but there's no God in that now is there.)
The fact is that we must try to "do something about it," but it is knowing when to let go that maturity, or spiritual insight, comes in. Maturity is knowing when to move on, I'm told. I believe real maturity comes wrapped in love and laughter, a.k.a., God.
Thank You.
As long as we're resigned to the fact that there is nothing we can do about it, the more hopeless we feel. Because at that point we allow it to mean that there is nothing that can be done about it. Big difference in the reality.
Resignation translates into feeling we're stuck forever with this awful situation; acceptance means, "We can't, God can, let's work with him and see what happens."
I'm guessing the process always starts out with the feeling of resignation, hopelessness. Which sets up our will to win, but, as with any defect that we sincerely want to be rid of, the harder we try to rid ourselves of it, the larger it looms. Pay anything 100% attention, negative or not, and it is going to grow...and the more negative the attention, the more warped the growth.
Unfortunately, we seem to have been taught early on that admitting that there is nothing we can do about something, anything, is a sign of weakness...why, you can do anything you want to do, just set your mind to it, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. (Personally, I've always liked "If at first you don't succeed, quit, don't be an ass about it," but there's no God in that now is there.)
The fact is that we must try to "do something about it," but it is knowing when to let go that maturity, or spiritual insight, comes in. Maturity is knowing when to move on, I'm told. I believe real maturity comes wrapped in love and laughter, a.k.a., God.
Thank You.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
ON AN OPEN MIND
The following is a reprint from a previous blog of mine from September 23, 2010.
I’m out in a field looking at an old red barn. People start arriving, and all are commenting on the beauty of the old gray barn. At first I pay no attention, but eventually I realize that every single one of them is commenting on a gray barn when, in fact, the barn is red. I wonder what’s wrong with them.
I’m out in a field looking at an old red barn. People start arriving, and all are commenting on the beauty of the old gray barn. At first I pay no attention, but eventually I realize that every single one of them is commenting on a gray barn when, in fact, the barn is red. I wonder what’s wrong with them.
We start chit-chatting about the barn, and I cannot convince
anyone that the color of the barn is red…barn-red.
Many people have arrived by now…50? 100? a whole bunch, for
sure, and not one of them sees the barn as red. I will not budge because I see
what I see, and I know what I see, and what I see is a barn the color of which
is red.
At some point I decide to attempt to see from a different
perspective…maybe not as everyone else is seeing, but just a slight change in
my view. Maybe if I stand over there, squat down, turn my head…just try
to be open to any change. Almost immediately I see a red barn but not the
exact red…a tiny difference. So I keep turning my head, and the color keeps
changing, ever so slightly, but changing.
It does not take long before I am seeing a gray barn. If I
turn back to the way I first saw it, I understand how the barn can still be
seen as red…it’s all in the way I’m looking at it.
“It’s all in the way I’m looking at it” is also known as
keeping an open mind. Not easy for me. Mainly, I reckon, because, underneath it
all, is the fact that I must always be willing to be wrong. Who prays for
that? But the fact is, when I’m simply willing to be wrong, there’s an equal
willingness to be right…it’s when I’m fighting to be right, that willingness,
the real key, is lost.
Thank You.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
THE ART OF AGREEMENT
The way to peace of mind is long, rough, rocky...and, confusing the way with the result, not very appealing to our reasoning mind. We pray for peace of mind, expecting it to be gifted us, and then we will say, "Thank you."
As long as we are in disagreement with anybody about anything, we will find peace of mind elusive if not impossible. Because as long as we are in disagreement, we are not in control of our own reactions. And it is not the other person or the other person's argument that is controlling our reactions, it is our resistance that is in control of us.
I read in the Dear Amy column this morning, "You will feel better when you are more in control of your own reactions." That's it. That is it.
And learning the way to get control of our own reactions is to learn the art of agreement. A simple, "Of course you are right...why didn't I think of that?" is all we need to remember. And don't you feel a frisson of resistance just reading that?
But remember...we are just learning. We are stepping out into the unknown of learning to agree, rather than continuing to defend our position, right or wrong, which never did, never will bring peace of mind. Let's face it, "defend" equals "resist," plain and simple.
In the learning, the basic rule we hold to our heart, our soul, our brain is, "To thine own self be true." The reasoning mind sees agreement as appeasement...it is not. That's why agreement is an art. We get to learn to be true to ourselves, to agree with another's premise with which we don't feel amenable, and know...I can't do this. BINGO. That very knowing is our call for reinforcements...a.k.a., God.
We know S/He's got our back, why not invite It to do Its thing? And all we need is the courage to say, "Thank You" in our heart, then speak our simple sentence, and back off. This is also known as holding your nose and taking a leap of faith.
There are two parts to this lesson: (1) sometimes it works exactly as we wanted; and (2) sometimes the result we want is entirely different from the result we get. Which, with patience, we find always is for the better.
Thank You.
As long as we are in disagreement with anybody about anything, we will find peace of mind elusive if not impossible. Because as long as we are in disagreement, we are not in control of our own reactions. And it is not the other person or the other person's argument that is controlling our reactions, it is our resistance that is in control of us.
I read in the Dear Amy column this morning, "You will feel better when you are more in control of your own reactions." That's it. That is it.
And learning the way to get control of our own reactions is to learn the art of agreement. A simple, "Of course you are right...why didn't I think of that?" is all we need to remember. And don't you feel a frisson of resistance just reading that?
But remember...we are just learning. We are stepping out into the unknown of learning to agree, rather than continuing to defend our position, right or wrong, which never did, never will bring peace of mind. Let's face it, "defend" equals "resist," plain and simple.
In the learning, the basic rule we hold to our heart, our soul, our brain is, "To thine own self be true." The reasoning mind sees agreement as appeasement...it is not. That's why agreement is an art. We get to learn to be true to ourselves, to agree with another's premise with which we don't feel amenable, and know...I can't do this. BINGO. That very knowing is our call for reinforcements...a.k.a., God.
We know S/He's got our back, why not invite It to do Its thing? And all we need is the courage to say, "Thank You" in our heart, then speak our simple sentence, and back off. This is also known as holding your nose and taking a leap of faith.
There are two parts to this lesson: (1) sometimes it works exactly as we wanted; and (2) sometimes the result we want is entirely different from the result we get. Which, with patience, we find always is for the better.
Thank You.
Monday, April 23, 2012
THE GIFT OF EGO REDUCTION IN DEPTH
Lasting peace of mind can never be ours until we accept ego reduction in depth. Until we realize ego reduction in depth as God's personal gift to us.
Then comes the biggie...we recognize that to try to get ego reduction in depth is an ego trip. It is a self-determined objective...even if the objective is for peace, it is for our peace. There's the key...we are going for lasting peace of mind, for self and others, not peace from this debate in our mind right now.
We can only accept it as a gift, much like surrender, because there are so many wants, desires and petty getting-overs that our reasoning mind will not release in the mistaken belief that they are needs...thus, justified.
The act necessary to put us in a position to accept the gift of ego reduction in depth is a sincere and active desire to seek and to do God's will.
We will know we have succeeded in accepting the gift when we do the "act necessary" and fail beyond reasoning...then, with a humble heart, we can laugh and say, "Thank You."
Thank You.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
GOD IS...WITHIN ME/WITHOUT ME
I remember the first time I read that the Christ is not a man, the Christ is a principle...hit me like a brick. Because that made sense to my core...not to my reasoning mind necessarily, but to my core, and I knew it to be true.
I'm rereading a Goldsmith book, and this morning I read "The Messiah does not come in time and space: It comes in consciousness." I have that sentence underlined in various colors, having read the book many times. But when I read it this morning, it felt like I'd never heard of such a concept before.
I immediately thought: Well, of course, God does not come in time and space: It comes in consciousness. That's the whole of not looking for God "out there." That idea went by the wayside long ago, yet here's me...stunned by words I've read and believed for years: God does not exist in time and space, God exists in my consciousness, within me and without me. Like air. Can't see it, taste it, touch it, but without it, I'm dead.
Building a deeper consciousness of God, the all of God, within me personally, without me impersonally...there's my answer. No matter my question.
Thank You.
I'm rereading a Goldsmith book, and this morning I read "The Messiah does not come in time and space: It comes in consciousness." I have that sentence underlined in various colors, having read the book many times. But when I read it this morning, it felt like I'd never heard of such a concept before.
I immediately thought: Well, of course, God does not come in time and space: It comes in consciousness. That's the whole of not looking for God "out there." That idea went by the wayside long ago, yet here's me...stunned by words I've read and believed for years: God does not exist in time and space, God exists in my consciousness, within me and without me. Like air. Can't see it, taste it, touch it, but without it, I'm dead.
Building a deeper consciousness of God, the all of God, within me personally, without me impersonally...there's my answer. No matter my question.
Thank You.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
KEEPING IT SIMPLE
Back in the day, when pop-psychology books were in, I read "Love is Letting Go of Fear." I accepted its main premise as my truth: There are only two emotions, love and fear. Any other feelings, emotions...all else...spring from those two.
For my walking around purposes, that means that I'm feeling love anytime that I feel good, and I'm feeling fear anytime that I feel less than good.
This really cuts through a lot of belly-button gazing, justifying, shaming and blaming. Most especially with the fear because someone or something, it seems, was or is forever giving me that "it's not fair, and it's not my fault" feeling...not good.
Just asking myself, "What is it about her/him/this situation that frightens you?" stops me cold. Usually, my eyebrows-up response is, "Nothing." But, since I've accepted that if it isn't love, it's fear, and I know very well that this ugly feeling is not love, I get to ponder: what am I afraid of here?
The good and the bad news both together...almost without fail the answer to "what I am afraid of here" is me...I see me. It's often said that if you can spot it you got it, and this test really proves it for me.
The reason I find that as good news is it redirects my thinking...I can't with a straight face continue to blame another or the situation. I am invariably reminded of my favorite promise; namely, that all my problems can be solved by spiritual principles. That'll redirect your thinking in a heartbeat, guaranteed.
I rarely have to stop and examine why I'm feeling good...but I have. It's a truly wonderful knowing when I realize that it is love. I'm simply feeling love...loved and loving. Makes me feel good just thinking that.
Thank You.
For my walking around purposes, that means that I'm feeling love anytime that I feel good, and I'm feeling fear anytime that I feel less than good.
This really cuts through a lot of belly-button gazing, justifying, shaming and blaming. Most especially with the fear because someone or something, it seems, was or is forever giving me that "it's not fair, and it's not my fault" feeling...not good.
Just asking myself, "What is it about her/him/this situation that frightens you?" stops me cold. Usually, my eyebrows-up response is, "Nothing." But, since I've accepted that if it isn't love, it's fear, and I know very well that this ugly feeling is not love, I get to ponder: what am I afraid of here?
The good and the bad news both together...almost without fail the answer to "what I am afraid of here" is me...I see me. It's often said that if you can spot it you got it, and this test really proves it for me.
The reason I find that as good news is it redirects my thinking...I can't with a straight face continue to blame another or the situation. I am invariably reminded of my favorite promise; namely, that all my problems can be solved by spiritual principles. That'll redirect your thinking in a heartbeat, guaranteed.
I rarely have to stop and examine why I'm feeling good...but I have. It's a truly wonderful knowing when I realize that it is love. I'm simply feeling love...loved and loving. Makes me feel good just thinking that.
Thank You.
Friday, April 20, 2012
ONLY ONE NEED
There is only one need...to know God aright...all else are wants.
Because there are many wants that fall under knowing God aright, we get to experience a whole new level in willingness. First, the willingness to trust that which seems to be a need may just be a want, then willingness to trust God to walk us through the process.
The process is simply to seek and to do God's will.
The result of our seeking to know and to do God's will often surprises us since it seldom resembles what our want sought...and yet we find it is the exactly right fit. Which is how we learn that when we seek to know and to do God's will, our unanswered wants can be our blessing...proving our need.
Thank You.
Because there are many wants that fall under knowing God aright, we get to experience a whole new level in willingness. First, the willingness to trust that which seems to be a need may just be a want, then willingness to trust God to walk us through the process.
The process is simply to seek and to do God's will.
The result of our seeking to know and to do God's will often surprises us since it seldom resembles what our want sought...and yet we find it is the exactly right fit. Which is how we learn that when we seek to know and to do God's will, our unanswered wants can be our blessing...proving our need.
Thank You.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
REALIZING THE GIFT OF FEAR
All things work together for good to them that love God.... -- Romans 8:28
Is that the transmuting principle of all our uglies?...our worst-case scenario that turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to us?
And is it limited to "them that love God?" We've all known atheists, or at least agnostics, who have experienced worst case turned blessing in disguise.
I believe it is cosmic...and cosmic happens to believers and non-believers alike. I also believe that it is not something we can make happen, that transmutation from fearsome to awesome.
It is in walking all the way through the dreaded worst case that we get to the gold. Interestingly, the gold is never what we had in mind when we were walking forward with doubt, fear, anger...almost despair...as our silent partner and hope as our secret guide.
It is in looking back that we begin to realize the gift...and learn that the gift has many levels. That the worst case is our gold is only one level. That we are capable of facing our fear and walking toward it is deeper and more meaningful, mainly because we will be called to use that gift repeatedly in life...if we're doing it right.
I don't agree with those who say if you have faith you can't have fear. My beloved mentor, long ago, reminded me of the story in the New Testament of Jesus before his death praying so hard he sweat blood. That is not a prayer without fear...yet who can doubt his faith?
Which brings me to one of my favorite sayings: Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Thank You.
Is that the transmuting principle of all our uglies?...our worst-case scenario that turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to us?
And is it limited to "them that love God?" We've all known atheists, or at least agnostics, who have experienced worst case turned blessing in disguise.
I believe it is cosmic...and cosmic happens to believers and non-believers alike. I also believe that it is not something we can make happen, that transmutation from fearsome to awesome.
It is in walking all the way through the dreaded worst case that we get to the gold. Interestingly, the gold is never what we had in mind when we were walking forward with doubt, fear, anger...almost despair...as our silent partner and hope as our secret guide.
It is in looking back that we begin to realize the gift...and learn that the gift has many levels. That the worst case is our gold is only one level. That we are capable of facing our fear and walking toward it is deeper and more meaningful, mainly because we will be called to use that gift repeatedly in life...if we're doing it right.
I don't agree with those who say if you have faith you can't have fear. My beloved mentor, long ago, reminded me of the story in the New Testament of Jesus before his death praying so hard he sweat blood. That is not a prayer without fear...yet who can doubt his faith?
Which brings me to one of my favorite sayings: Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Thank You.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-RESPECT
I believe that it isn't so much self-esteem that we lack as self-respect. I'm not sure I can even articulate the difference but there is one. Somehow, self-esteem seems like how I feel when I'm looking good...and that is a good thing, nothing wrong with it. But self-respect seems like how I feel when I'm doing good...and that almost invariably (of necessity?) means doing good for others.
Maybe that's it...self-esteem is what I feel when I'm doing good for me, self-respect is what I get when I'm doing good for others.
Both are good and worthy things, both necessary to one's inner happiness. I wonder if self-esteem isn't something one feels and holds onto by continuing inner growth; self-respect one builds by making oneself available to God and others...daily.
Which reminds me of an article I read recently about gratitude, about the discipline necessary to keep a grateful attitude which performs a "vital service and benefits everybody." The author wrote, "A selfless man or woman may seem to go through the day doing nothing extraordinary, but without them nothing would revitalize the atmosphere in which we think."
There it is...this is my "vital service, which benefits everybody."
It starts with willingness. Am I willing to go to a board meeting and keep my own thoughts upbeat...not roll my eyes or give mental head slaps or heavy sighs? Am I willing to live the spirit of gratitude?...for it is only by bringing it, releasing it, that I prove I have it.
The question then is, am I willing to be the source of my own happy, joyous and free?
Thank You.
Maybe that's it...self-esteem is what I feel when I'm doing good for me, self-respect is what I get when I'm doing good for others.
Both are good and worthy things, both necessary to one's inner happiness. I wonder if self-esteem isn't something one feels and holds onto by continuing inner growth; self-respect one builds by making oneself available to God and others...daily.
Which reminds me of an article I read recently about gratitude, about the discipline necessary to keep a grateful attitude which performs a "vital service and benefits everybody." The author wrote, "A selfless man or woman may seem to go through the day doing nothing extraordinary, but without them nothing would revitalize the atmosphere in which we think."
There it is...this is my "vital service, which benefits everybody."
It starts with willingness. Am I willing to go to a board meeting and keep my own thoughts upbeat...not roll my eyes or give mental head slaps or heavy sighs? Am I willing to live the spirit of gratitude?...for it is only by bringing it, releasing it, that I prove I have it.
The question then is, am I willing to be the source of my own happy, joyous and free?
Thank You.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
GO TO GOD FOR GOD...ONLY
We don't have to wait for the day when the mind is completely still to receive immense benefits from meditation...even a little of this discipline protects us from great dangers. Eknath Easwaran
The making of time for God is enough...making myself available for God with no goal but to know God aright is sufficient. How God uses that time is His choice since He knows how ready I am for whatever He chooses to impart.
The less I depend on my own idea of the many improvements that I and my world need, the clearer the path for God. Which is why I go to God for God...only.
Thank You.
Monday, April 16, 2012
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AND LIVING IT
It is said that love of money is the root of all evil. I say that disrespect is the language evil uses.
Just one word, just a simple look if it be disrespectful, can start gang wars...cause families to break up...pit sister against sister...make foes of friends.
It seems like a very short time ago when "dissing" someone became the justified basis for hatred on the hoof. "Dissing" has become a part of our language...the word's even found in the dictionary today. All that is needed to start a personal war is to feel dissed.
Whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"...now, that is taking responsibility for yourself. Which reminds me...taking responsibility for yourself is the new in-phrase for sounding good, but how many people are willing to do it?
I speak from experience when I say I have been dissed, knew it was just so much jive, but could not wait to tell a friend what that awful person had said about me...automatically turning the words into the person and ensuring, if my friend really cared about me, s/he would think as I now do about that awful person...and tell others, please.
I wish I could say that is all in the past tense. The best I can say for myself is I do know better today, I do better the majority of the time today (sometimes only 51%, but that's the majority), and I sincerely want to do better daily.
That's why the Sermon on the Mound is so important to me...walk the Sermon, and there is no possible way we can diss another, plus we have all the protection that it is possible to have to keep us from feeling dissed.
But it's like skinning my own self to be willing to live it always and all ways.
Thank You.
Just one word, just a simple look if it be disrespectful, can start gang wars...cause families to break up...pit sister against sister...make foes of friends.
It seems like a very short time ago when "dissing" someone became the justified basis for hatred on the hoof. "Dissing" has become a part of our language...the word's even found in the dictionary today. All that is needed to start a personal war is to feel dissed.
Whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"...now, that is taking responsibility for yourself. Which reminds me...taking responsibility for yourself is the new in-phrase for sounding good, but how many people are willing to do it?
I speak from experience when I say I have been dissed, knew it was just so much jive, but could not wait to tell a friend what that awful person had said about me...automatically turning the words into the person and ensuring, if my friend really cared about me, s/he would think as I now do about that awful person...and tell others, please.
I wish I could say that is all in the past tense. The best I can say for myself is I do know better today, I do better the majority of the time today (sometimes only 51%, but that's the majority), and I sincerely want to do better daily.
That's why the Sermon on the Mound is so important to me...walk the Sermon, and there is no possible way we can diss another, plus we have all the protection that it is possible to have to keep us from feeling dissed.
But it's like skinning my own self to be willing to live it always and all ways.
Thank You.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
GOD IS LOVE
That I accept myself just as I am is still a wonder to me.
That I believe I am loved...that I know I am loved...is still a wonder to me.
Even more wondrous...I know that I love.
And more wondrous than that: I know that I love whether I am loved in return or not...for it is not love from God and others, but love to God and others, that changes lives, brings peace, soothes the Soul.
God is love.
Thank You.
That I believe I am loved...that I know I am loved...is still a wonder to me.
Even more wondrous...I know that I love.
And more wondrous than that: I know that I love whether I am loved in return or not...for it is not love from God and others, but love to God and others, that changes lives, brings peace, soothes the Soul.
God is love.
Thank You.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
TRUTHS I SEEK TO PROVE
When My disciple sees My purpose ahead, that very sight is the power that clears away every obstacle along that range of vision....People waste so much time in seeking to work out what they see. I declare to you that in the seeing My purpose all is done. -- God Calling, April 14
I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight. -- Isaiah 45:2
The battle is not yours; it is God's. -- Joel Goldsmith, "Leave Your Nets"
He performth that which is given me to do. -- Somewhere in the Bible.
You meant it for ill, but God meant it for good. -- Genesis 45:8, paraphrased
My "bad" is more important to me than God's "good." -- Personal note dated 5/1/81
To receive miraculous healing and yet to be able to refrain from personal glory in the achievement is most difficult. All that they were entitled to was gratitude that they had been called and that the Power was working through them -- not that they had the power. The Power was working through them, but it could work through them only in proportion to their humility, and the true sense of humility is not any detraction or depreciation of one's self: it is a realization of one's greatness in having been called to be a servant of that power, which is true paradox. -- Copied from unknown source, dated 10/5/78.
There has to be a recognition of an Infinite Invisible...there has to be an inner realization of that Presence.
Now comes the part that makes the "belly bitter"...the living of these truths. -- Joel Goldsmith
Thank You.
I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight. -- Isaiah 45:2
The battle is not yours; it is God's. -- Joel Goldsmith, "Leave Your Nets"
He performth that which is given me to do. -- Somewhere in the Bible.
You meant it for ill, but God meant it for good. -- Genesis 45:8, paraphrased
My "bad" is more important to me than God's "good." -- Personal note dated 5/1/81
To receive miraculous healing and yet to be able to refrain from personal glory in the achievement is most difficult. All that they were entitled to was gratitude that they had been called and that the Power was working through them -- not that they had the power. The Power was working through them, but it could work through them only in proportion to their humility, and the true sense of humility is not any detraction or depreciation of one's self: it is a realization of one's greatness in having been called to be a servant of that power, which is true paradox. -- Copied from unknown source, dated 10/5/78.
There has to be a recognition of an Infinite Invisible...there has to be an inner realization of that Presence.
Now comes the part that makes the "belly bitter"...the living of these truths. -- Joel Goldsmith
Thank You.
Friday, April 13, 2012
CLOSER, KINDER WORKS
I am proving to myself again (how long, oh Lord!) that my conscience is a power within me, and I am powerless over it. That about half way peeves me...yet, what did I think I was working so hard to achieve when I started out on this path?
I did step on Judd's toes because I chose to be provoked by him who, I know full well, provokes me just by breathing...how spiritual is that? He is reacting in kind...provoked, and I am now mentally justifying, wrangling, resisting Judd's resistance. With my conscience saying, "You can justify till your face falls off...then you gotta do right."
I know him to be a pebble in my shoe, I know to go closer, be kinder, seek to understand rather than to be understood. Yet I went with my ego and virtually slung mud in my own face. I am grateful that I know from my own experience that closer, kinder works...and that that is the only thing that works in getting me over me.
The splinter of good: I know I am the source of all my woes so I'll go to Judd through God and be willing to follow directions.
Thank You.
I did step on Judd's toes because I chose to be provoked by him who, I know full well, provokes me just by breathing...how spiritual is that? He is reacting in kind...provoked, and I am now mentally justifying, wrangling, resisting Judd's resistance. With my conscience saying, "You can justify till your face falls off...then you gotta do right."
I know him to be a pebble in my shoe, I know to go closer, be kinder, seek to understand rather than to be understood. Yet I went with my ego and virtually slung mud in my own face. I am grateful that I know from my own experience that closer, kinder works...and that that is the only thing that works in getting me over me.
The splinter of good: I know I am the source of all my woes so I'll go to Judd through God and be willing to follow directions.
Thank You.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
"GRANT WHAT THOU COMMANDEST..."
I came across a note I wrote in my God Calling on this day in 1980: "...my being ruled by 'slight provocations' has determined my life choices." That's another one of those truths, like "Gossip is the glue that held my family together," a fact I learned in therapy, yea many years ago.
Putting them both down in black and white, I can see the ribbon running through. If gossip is the glue that holds the family together, then slight provocations will become the determiner of what to do or not to do just to avoid being the goat, the one gossiped about. Looking good...appearing well put together...sounding smart. All facade, all ego-driven, all self-based resulting in a totally self-protected life.
I have often thought that I am great in no alternative situations...I can hit acceptance in a heartbeat if I have no alternative. But how many no alternative situations do we get in life? Relatively few in my life...yet, in looking back, it seems like I was forever having options to take and decisions to make. With slight provocations being the determiner, I've quit jobs, dropped friends and loves, made cross-country moves. Some have even been for the better, but it's like the oldie about even a broken clock being right twice a day. A hard way to live one's life.
Of necessity, this is where I lived when there was no spiritual guidance in my life. I always believed in the existence of God in the universe, I just had no knowledge of a personal loving higher power.
Today, one of my favorite quotes is Saint Augustine's prayer: "Grant what thou commandest and then command what thou will." That's the ultimate security in the turning over of oneself...which is essential if one is ever to leave the ego-driven, self-protected life.
Thank You.
Putting them both down in black and white, I can see the ribbon running through. If gossip is the glue that holds the family together, then slight provocations will become the determiner of what to do or not to do just to avoid being the goat, the one gossiped about. Looking good...appearing well put together...sounding smart. All facade, all ego-driven, all self-based resulting in a totally self-protected life.
I have often thought that I am great in no alternative situations...I can hit acceptance in a heartbeat if I have no alternative. But how many no alternative situations do we get in life? Relatively few in my life...yet, in looking back, it seems like I was forever having options to take and decisions to make. With slight provocations being the determiner, I've quit jobs, dropped friends and loves, made cross-country moves. Some have even been for the better, but it's like the oldie about even a broken clock being right twice a day. A hard way to live one's life.
Of necessity, this is where I lived when there was no spiritual guidance in my life. I always believed in the existence of God in the universe, I just had no knowledge of a personal loving higher power.
Today, one of my favorite quotes is Saint Augustine's prayer: "Grant what thou commandest and then command what thou will." That's the ultimate security in the turning over of oneself...which is essential if one is ever to leave the ego-driven, self-protected life.
Thank You.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
LET GOD SHOW ME
Again, I ponder the quote from my season of lent book: "Bring out of the shadows those parts of me that have been put under a ban or kept out of the light. Let God show me what they mean to Him and how He is redeeming them."
It is not for my reasoning mind to understand for it will analyze to justify and then analyze the justifications. It is for me to let God show me what they mean to Him. For me to let God show me how He is redeeming them.
Thank You.
It is not for my reasoning mind to understand for it will analyze to justify and then analyze the justifications. It is for me to let God show me what they mean to Him. For me to let God show me how He is redeeming them.
Thank You.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
GOD'S GRACE RUSHES OUT FROM WITHIN
To "sow to the Spirit" is to place all reliance, all trust, all hope in a higher power deep within. That is to turn from our ego-victory reasoning mind and reap the things of the Spirit.
It was only by divorcing myself from my own opinion that I realized that truth. It was my opinion that I could or should be able to get my self-determined needs met by thinking, by analyzing, plotting, planning. This is arm wrestling with God, a no-win proposition.
Our very problems, through our own reasoning-mind efforts to overcome them, only grow bigger and uglier...until we experience that grand and glorious sensation of crashing and burning. Only then do we reach for help from an unknown, unseen source. Only then can God's grace rush out from within to save us from our own self-determined fix-it objectives...in Its own way, in Its own time.
It's a whole new way of thinking to be grateful, and sincerely grateful, for all my worries as they are happening...a loved one's health, my petty peeves, my I'm right/you're wrong mental games. It is when I achieve that, that I am free and do know a complete reliance on God.
Failure of aid from outside sources opens me to my "complete reliance on that which heretofore has never been experienced...the Infinite Invisible" which brings the realization that "My grace is sufficient for thee."
Thank You.
It was only by divorcing myself from my own opinion that I realized that truth. It was my opinion that I could or should be able to get my self-determined needs met by thinking, by analyzing, plotting, planning. This is arm wrestling with God, a no-win proposition.
Our very problems, through our own reasoning-mind efforts to overcome them, only grow bigger and uglier...until we experience that grand and glorious sensation of crashing and burning. Only then do we reach for help from an unknown, unseen source. Only then can God's grace rush out from within to save us from our own self-determined fix-it objectives...in Its own way, in Its own time.
It's a whole new way of thinking to be grateful, and sincerely grateful, for all my worries as they are happening...a loved one's health, my petty peeves, my I'm right/you're wrong mental games. It is when I achieve that, that I am free and do know a complete reliance on God.
Failure of aid from outside sources opens me to my "complete reliance on that which heretofore has never been experienced...the Infinite Invisible" which brings the realization that "My grace is sufficient for thee."
Thank You.
Monday, April 9, 2012
THE GREATEST OF ALL PRAYERS
To be completely caught up in fretful prayer for any righteous reason is to be completely caught up in self...there is no God there.
It becomes fairly easy to understand that being caught up in praying for one's self, be it for power, glory or security, is self-centered and not of God.
It becomes trickier when we allow ourselves to believe that God will approve and grant our prayer if it's for a just or noble cause, or a dear one's health, or our country. That, in fact, is simply a wish...there is no God in wishes either.
What makes that particularly hard to comprehend is that occasionally our so-called prayer is answered and answered exactly as we asked for it. That may be the human condition or it may be karma whichever you choose to go with. I doubt anyone has ever kept track of the unintended consequence of those answered requests, but it would make for interesting reading.
Today, prayer to me is based first in my accepting unto walking around truth that God does know each and every person's needs, does have each one's back, has already taken care of any perceived problem and taken care of it for each one's own personal benefit.
If we are ever to do God's will, or to even want to do God's will, our job is to accept that God's idea of fixing a problem beneficially is not our idea...and opening to a whole new understanding of "beneficially."
Once I am secure in my base of acceptance (which means I've quit thinking, analyzing, bargaining), I can pray the greatest of all prayers: "Thank You."
Thank You.
It becomes fairly easy to understand that being caught up in praying for one's self, be it for power, glory or security, is self-centered and not of God.
It becomes trickier when we allow ourselves to believe that God will approve and grant our prayer if it's for a just or noble cause, or a dear one's health, or our country. That, in fact, is simply a wish...there is no God in wishes either.
What makes that particularly hard to comprehend is that occasionally our so-called prayer is answered and answered exactly as we asked for it. That may be the human condition or it may be karma whichever you choose to go with. I doubt anyone has ever kept track of the unintended consequence of those answered requests, but it would make for interesting reading.
Today, prayer to me is based first in my accepting unto walking around truth that God does know each and every person's needs, does have each one's back, has already taken care of any perceived problem and taken care of it for each one's own personal benefit.
If we are ever to do God's will, or to even want to do God's will, our job is to accept that God's idea of fixing a problem beneficially is not our idea...and opening to a whole new understanding of "beneficially."
Once I am secure in my base of acceptance (which means I've quit thinking, analyzing, bargaining), I can pray the greatest of all prayers: "Thank You."
Thank You.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
THE ENEMY WHO MUST BE LOVED
That I feed the beggar,
That I forgive an insult,
That I love my enemy,
These are undoubtedly great virtues.
But what if I should discover
That the least among them all,
The poorest of all beggars,
The most impudent of all offenders,
Yea, the very fiend himself,
That these are within me,
And that I, myself, stand in need
Of the alms of my own kindness,
That I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved.
What then?
-- C. B. Jung
Friday, April 6, 2012
THERE IS NO OTHER
Take hold of yourself and make yourself responsible for all men's sins. My friend, believe me, that really is so, for the moment you make yourself responsible in all sincerity for everyone and everything, you will see that it really is so and that you are in fact responsible for everyone and everything." -- Father Zossima in "The Brothers Karamazov" (as quoted in my season of lent reading today)
What an eyeopener! I read that quote and knew that I had unknowingly accepted that I am "responsible for everyone and everything" with my first realization of oneness.
The first time I really understood I AM that I AM was when I first knew I and the Father are One applies to the universe. That was a long time ago, and I am still trying to wholly incorporate that into my very being...I got it originally from my eyebrows up. It has slowly moved to my heart and is working its way to my core.
It definitely was with OMG wonder when I read that quote and learned there is more to do after the realization of one with God and man. And this is it: To take hold of myself and make myself responsible for all man's sins.
It is not a choice. This is the rest of the realization...the rest of the story.
If I am ever to truly know the promise that the Father and I are one, I must understand and accept that death is to the belief I cling to that it is another who is at fault, another who is wrong...or another who is smarter or uglier or prettier.
Death is to the belief that there is an other.
Thank You.
What an eyeopener! I read that quote and knew that I had unknowingly accepted that I am "responsible for everyone and everything" with my first realization of oneness.
The first time I really understood I AM that I AM was when I first knew I and the Father are One applies to the universe. That was a long time ago, and I am still trying to wholly incorporate that into my very being...I got it originally from my eyebrows up. It has slowly moved to my heart and is working its way to my core.
It definitely was with OMG wonder when I read that quote and learned there is more to do after the realization of one with God and man. And this is it: To take hold of myself and make myself responsible for all man's sins.
It is not a choice. This is the rest of the realization...the rest of the story.
If I am ever to truly know the promise that the Father and I are one, I must understand and accept that death is to the belief I cling to that it is another who is at fault, another who is wrong...or another who is smarter or uglier or prettier.
Death is to the belief that there is an other.
Thank You.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
WILLINGNESS IS THE KEY
My morning's blinding flash of the obvious: Receiving unconditional love requires giving over all my hidey holes...not by will, by willingness.
So receiving unconditional love is harder than giving unconditional love...and giving is impossible. I do believe one cannot get unconditional love without giving unconditional love...it's like a hug. See, that's what happens when my reasoning mind takes over...complicates a fairly simple idea.
Back to giving over all my hidey holes...in my reading this morning (about the atonement of the cross, which I've never really thought over much about): "which brings us to a place where we must either become entirely receptive or flee to preserve our craving to be in control ourselves." At "entirely receptive" is where I flashed "to your discovery of all my hidey holes." I knew that meant to all my hidey holes being exposed to God, to myself and to other human beings,
The best I've done with the atonement of the cross is to think of it as unconditional love which I've always maintained only God can do...I may be right.
What if atonement brings me to acceptance of all my hidey holes being exposed...not just to acceptance of all my hidey holes, even those I am unaware of, but of them being exposed? And that's probably a distinction without a difference...that is the nature of acceptance, exposure of my unacceptable to the light of day, of consciousness, of God. Like the old "Love is never having to say you're sorry," acceptance is never having to hide again.
My reading this morning went on to say, "God alone can do what must be done...overcome the separation, demolish the barrier, fill in the lack, annihilate the debt." I know that to be true, and I also know that willingness is the key.
Thank You.
So receiving unconditional love is harder than giving unconditional love...and giving is impossible. I do believe one cannot get unconditional love without giving unconditional love...it's like a hug. See, that's what happens when my reasoning mind takes over...complicates a fairly simple idea.
Back to giving over all my hidey holes...in my reading this morning (about the atonement of the cross, which I've never really thought over much about): "which brings us to a place where we must either become entirely receptive or flee to preserve our craving to be in control ourselves." At "entirely receptive" is where I flashed "to your discovery of all my hidey holes." I knew that meant to all my hidey holes being exposed to God, to myself and to other human beings,
The best I've done with the atonement of the cross is to think of it as unconditional love which I've always maintained only God can do...I may be right.
What if atonement brings me to acceptance of all my hidey holes being exposed...not just to acceptance of all my hidey holes, even those I am unaware of, but of them being exposed? And that's probably a distinction without a difference...that is the nature of acceptance, exposure of my unacceptable to the light of day, of consciousness, of God. Like the old "Love is never having to say you're sorry," acceptance is never having to hide again.
My reading this morning went on to say, "God alone can do what must be done...overcome the separation, demolish the barrier, fill in the lack, annihilate the debt." I know that to be true, and I also know that willingness is the key.
Thank You.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
LACK OF ACCEPTANCE
It has been said that lack of acceptance is the cause of all our problems, and I believe that to be true. Acceptance is what makes "resist not evil" the right answer, yet our reasoning mind will fight that every time.
"It doesn't make sense," we cry...or, "That is not reasonable."
There, right there, is the ah-ha that invites the often-misunderstood truth, "Go beyond reason to love."
Most spiritual growth in my life has been totally unreasonable to my reasoning mind. I had an occasion once in my professional career where I had to push back at a superior who was harassing me on a daily basis. I wrote about that a year or so back, but the end result was I did push back, I did give him three conditions he had to meet, and, "kicking, cussing, moaning," he did meet them...and we became lunch-buddy friends.
The point of that is whenever I've shared that story, most people I've shared it with cannot wrap their mind around it being acceptance to push back...that one can resist not evil in push back.
It is in trying to understand it with the reasoning mind that is the snag...staying in the reasoning mind will not get you spiritual answers.
What I did was walk through push back by not fighting...I simply spoke my truth. I have given up fighting, but I haven't given up speaking my truth, inviting another to speak her truth, and then not standing in the way of a spiritual answer.
The reasoning mind is not attuned to such action...or mine certainly didn't start out there. It is a commitment to still more spiritual growth that makes acceptance, non-resistance and going beyond reason to love possible.
Thank You.
"It doesn't make sense," we cry...or, "That is not reasonable."
There, right there, is the ah-ha that invites the often-misunderstood truth, "Go beyond reason to love."
Most spiritual growth in my life has been totally unreasonable to my reasoning mind. I had an occasion once in my professional career where I had to push back at a superior who was harassing me on a daily basis. I wrote about that a year or so back, but the end result was I did push back, I did give him three conditions he had to meet, and, "kicking, cussing, moaning," he did meet them...and we became lunch-buddy friends.
The point of that is whenever I've shared that story, most people I've shared it with cannot wrap their mind around it being acceptance to push back...that one can resist not evil in push back.
It is in trying to understand it with the reasoning mind that is the snag...staying in the reasoning mind will not get you spiritual answers.
What I did was walk through push back by not fighting...I simply spoke my truth. I have given up fighting, but I haven't given up speaking my truth, inviting another to speak her truth, and then not standing in the way of a spiritual answer.
The reasoning mind is not attuned to such action...or mine certainly didn't start out there. It is a commitment to still more spiritual growth that makes acceptance, non-resistance and going beyond reason to love possible.
Thank You.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
MY WILLINGNESS AND GOD'S GRACE
I have a friend who is very vocal in her beliefs, some of which are diametrically opposite to mine. Without any effort on my part, I have maintained my silence without my attitude prancing about doing my talking for me. For which, I must admit I have been in silent wonder because that is not my m.o.
I have another friend who rarely shows whether she agrees or disagrees with what is being said. I guess what she has is a "poker face" but she always looks interested in whatever the subject is. I do admire her ability to maintain a respectful silence.
Last night at 2:00 AM, my ego woke me up to suggest I might need to push back, to "educate" my first friend that I have another point of view...justifying that I need to speak by hinting that my silence is hypocrisy.
This is the exact point where my spiritual growth (give up fighting anything and anybody) and my ego-victory-seeking reasoning mind (I am being personally attacked and must defend myself) go to the mat with each other.
I pray for the ability to remain silent in the face of provocation, I get my opportunity, and I look for a something other, a different opportunity...one where I can speak and get silent points at the same time.
In the light of day, I can wonder if maybe this isn't why second friend is in my life...to show me how to do that which I so admire and seldom do. This gives me my "pony to ride" in changing my behavior...my ability, with God's grace, to take this defect of character in stride and turn it into my demonstration of faith. I know it works when everybody comes out a winner.
I can never learn too many times that giving up fighting anything and anybody is always the answer, always perfectly possible...with my willingness and God's grace.
Thank You.
I have another friend who rarely shows whether she agrees or disagrees with what is being said. I guess what she has is a "poker face" but she always looks interested in whatever the subject is. I do admire her ability to maintain a respectful silence.
Last night at 2:00 AM, my ego woke me up to suggest I might need to push back, to "educate" my first friend that I have another point of view...justifying that I need to speak by hinting that my silence is hypocrisy.
This is the exact point where my spiritual growth (give up fighting anything and anybody) and my ego-victory-seeking reasoning mind (I am being personally attacked and must defend myself) go to the mat with each other.
I pray for the ability to remain silent in the face of provocation, I get my opportunity, and I look for a something other, a different opportunity...one where I can speak and get silent points at the same time.
In the light of day, I can wonder if maybe this isn't why second friend is in my life...to show me how to do that which I so admire and seldom do. This gives me my "pony to ride" in changing my behavior...my ability, with God's grace, to take this defect of character in stride and turn it into my demonstration of faith. I know it works when everybody comes out a winner.
I can never learn too many times that giving up fighting anything and anybody is always the answer, always perfectly possible...with my willingness and God's grace.
Thank You.
Monday, April 2, 2012
GOD CAN AND WILL IF SOUGHT
The cited quote in my today's Lenten reading is from I Corinthians 2:9: "... no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him."
I note there is no mention of the reasoning mind.
I believe that is precisely because the reasoning mind is incapable of comprehending God much less "what God has prepared for those who love him."
To me, that is the Catch-22 of the human condition. My Self knows that a power greater than itself is essential for me to live a happy, whole and free life, and I welcome that. My reasoning mind, however, cannot let that be true...indeed believes the Self's very survival is up to it to "figure it out." I don't doubt that my reasoning mind's theme song is "Here I Come To Save The Day."
It gives me comfort today to know I know that, no matter how often I catch myself plotting, planning, figuring how to...I always come back to my proven truth: God can and will if sought.
Thank You.
I note there is no mention of the reasoning mind.
I believe that is precisely because the reasoning mind is incapable of comprehending God much less "what God has prepared for those who love him."
To me, that is the Catch-22 of the human condition. My Self knows that a power greater than itself is essential for me to live a happy, whole and free life, and I welcome that. My reasoning mind, however, cannot let that be true...indeed believes the Self's very survival is up to it to "figure it out." I don't doubt that my reasoning mind's theme song is "Here I Come To Save The Day."
It gives me comfort today to know I know that, no matter how often I catch myself plotting, planning, figuring how to...I always come back to my proven truth: God can and will if sought.
Thank You.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
DESIRE NOT TO DESIRE
I desire not to desire, for my will is without value, since I am ignorant in any case. Therefore choose Thou for me what Thou knowest to be best and do not put my perdition in what my autonomy and free choice prefer. -- Bayazid Al-Bistami
This sounds so good...so right.
I've never heard of the man (or woman?), so I don't know if s/he got there. I know I never expect to get there, but I, too, can desire not to desire...can feel good that I know this is good and right.
Thank you.
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