I have just had a memory bubble: One day in the Summer of '49, my sister and I were at the public pool in our home town. We were in the dressing room; I needed help with a button and went to my sister in the next cubicle. She was not there. I went to the next, and she was not there either. I went back to my cubicle feeling frozen with fear...I became completely hysterical, screaming without let up. Of course, she was in the next cubicle over, it all got smoothed out, and we never talked about it or even mentioned it again. At age 11, fear of being left alone came to me full-blown and left to grow.
There. Proof of my higher Power leading me to where I need to be. That memory, long forgotten, came just after I had written in my journal: I need to look at the fact of my life, my living situation...all the friends who at one time lived near me have either passed on, moved to Senior Living, or gone back to their hometown. I stand alone in my neighborhood now.
It was when I realized this, felt this, that I first mentally recognized being left alone as a deep fear...and began to include it in my prayers of welcome. I do not doubt it is my thank you prayer that raised the memory into conscious awareness.
I was led to the realization way long ago that the reason I live alone is my fear of being left alone...no one can leave if no one is let in. I never doubted that but when I mentioned it to yet another counselor, pastor, shrink or friend, it was pretty much batted down simply because I had no context. And we did a lot of digging.
The Father knows our needs...the what and the when of them. To openly accept that as a fact in my life is spiritually rewarding...it matters not how deep the fear or the ignorance of it. God consciousness has it covered.
I am at another U-turn; I am being led free. I know not how, when or where, but I know, and I welcome it.
Thank you.
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