DISRESPECT...THE CORE OF ALL ILLS

God loves me so much. It is impossible to comprehend how much God loves me.   I guess because God is love. He doesn't dole it out, hold it back, give a little, get a little...he just be's...he is and in the fact of his being that is all there is. All else is life appearing...as I choose to see life that is how life is to me.

Knowing that, gut-bucket knowing that, I've come to believe that disrespect is the core...not at the core but the very core...of all our ills today, individually and collectively. And it all starts with how we choose to see whatever comes through our own eyes to our own brain.

We learn to be at the ready when we sense "somethin' ain't right." The instant we sense that somethin' ain't right is when we realize we have a choice that will affect our next minute, hour, day. Our choice is to respond in kind ("not right") or to respond with respect.

Living in an attitude of gratitude makes our choice of respect a whole lot easier...practically painless.

Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve.

Thank you.

LEARNING THE ART OF UN-THINKING

Interestingly, I am watching the process play out for three friends each of whom took a teeny tiny itsy-bitsy step into a self-determined objective "because it's the best way to handle this." The most interesting part is the price for that teeny step has been coming due for one friend for weeks now, it is now coming due for another and has not yet begun for the third. But sure as God made you and me, the price will come due for him, too.  

It is the ego to whom we defer in that wee step. And the ego's price, which is impossible for us to know before hand, is anything the ego wants it to be. We have just made a self-justified side trip from God, the recovery from which leaves us at the mercy of our ego until we crash and burn...yet again.

We begin our recovery when we decide to divorce ourselves from our own thinking and not go with   another self-determined objective (as in, to never ever go there again which is demonstrably impossible for us humans). What we decide is to high-tail it back to God and open ourselves for whatever spiritual growth we're ready to receive.

We go for spiritual growth because it does work and 100% of the time (albeit rarely getting us what we think we need).  What we are forever learning is that God does not hold grudges ("You should have asked me in the first place." "It's your own fault." "I could have told you so.") What we are learning is that God can and will if sought...anything. 

We sit down, get quiet, and practice the art of un-thinking.  Drop the problem, and invite God out from within. What works best for me: "Do your thing, God, you got the power." 

When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Never perfectly...everyday if we're doing it right. 

Thank you.

CONFIDENCE IN SILENCE

[The following is a reprint of my blog of February 10, 2012.]

My head natters: I am misunderstood, I must explain myself so that I am understood…he’ll not hear me…she’ll turn others against me. My heart answers: In quietness and confidence shall be my strength.

My head natters: Yes, but….My heart answers: It is I, be not afraid.

My head natters: Only I can explain. My heart answers: Peace, be still.

Thank you.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY GRATEFUL HEART

Today I give thanks for the "words to live by" that have come to me over the years. I also give thanks that I have been gifted with the ability to hear the words, the desire to do the words, the patience to falter and to fail in the trying and then to laugh about it...eventually.

I particularly give thanks for my friends and for my un-friends...and for the God of my understanding who keeps reminding me that they are one and the same.

I love sharing my giftees, so here are some of my favorites:

Before one's life can be cleaned up, a single life purpose must take the place of variable conflicting goals, for it is these goals that provide the grounds for incessant mental activity. To reach this state you must come to have one, whole, all-encompassing reason for being alive, and this will be an experience of the heart and not the mere grasping of theory. [NOTE: This quote I copied and made my own many years ago. I do not recall the book or the author, although most likely the author is Hugh Prather, and the sense of it still guides me today.]

By all means, you must find at least one loving, honest friend to ground you, which might even be the utterly accepting gaze of the Friend. -- Fr. Richard Rohr

You must make a decision to be a forgiving person and to forgive in the instant of need. -- Advice from a friend.

You must go beyond reason to love. -- Thaddeus Golas

In the end, all that matters is what you have done for God. -- Author unknown

Thank you.

TO FORGIVE IN THE INSTANT OF NEED

I was given the most wonderful advice recently...pearls beyond price actually. I was told that I must make a decision to be a forgiving person and to forgive in the instant of need. That's it. 

I was gifted with the realization that to forgive in the instant of need is the secret to being a forgiving person: We must be ready the moment before the arrow of resistance enters our consciousness. Only in that instant can we with God's grace respond not with feelings of hurt, harmed or a desire for pay-back...all fear, simply fear...but with the certain knowledge that this, too, is ours to forgive. 

This is living in the now...in the consciousness of forgiveness. 

To be a forgiving person is to be released from the bondage of self, free from our reasoning mind's dictates. We cannot wait to "think it through" for therein lives the ego's trap. There is nothing to think through when we are going to forgive no matter what. 

None of this is news to me...all of us seeking still more spiritual growth have been learning it for years. It is that this is the difference between learning the words (which too often means "learning how you need to do it") and realizing that I personally need to be a forgiving person...now. Right now.

I will with the grace of God and a little help from my friends be heading in this direction for the rest of my life...no matter how falteringly. 

Thank you.

SELF-DETERMINED OBJECTIVES VS. GOD'S WILL

A hard lesson learning: Trying to be a good, true and loving person is just another self-determined objective. We can never achieve our goal to be a good, true and loving person simply because we keep it out in front of us as a goal.

We can always tell a self-determined objective from God's will...the word "trying" marches in front of the self one. God's will is...we do it. Self tries it on for size, alters it, makes it prettier, fancier, classier...no, not right, keep trying.

We can acknowledge until we come to believe, realize, that each of us is a good, true and loving person, a gift to us before conception, fully enclosed within us at birth, growing every minute we breathe.

It's our ego that is unaware of that and keeps trying to get more and better so it can show it off: Here's what a loving person looks like, as it elbows out others; i.e., God.

When we finally realize we are the loving person we seek to be, we be that. And fail. Repeatedly.

The great gettin' up morning is when we realize we fail only in our ego's eyes...God loves us exactly as we are...warts and wings together, all One.

Thank you.

IF RUCKUS IS HAPPY, I'M HAPPY

Just this morning I'm mulling an interesting situation between two friends. It is not a pretty situation. I happen to have (or think I have) a piece of information that may or may not be helpful to the situation. I am thanking God that I know this is not mine to fix...God already has it fixed, and it's going to take God's own time for it to become apparent to all. I'm feeling like a real grown-up...running from pillar to post, fixing things that are none of my business was once a favorite pastime of mine. What a change; thank you, Lord.

Then I hear a weather report...possible snow on Thanksgiving right here, right where I live.

My brain exploded. I'm surprised there aren't bits and pieces of it all over this room.

This is not fair! I've been been sick as a dog, missing my get-togethers, deaf as a post, feeling unloved, unneeded, unwanted, unappreciated, and what was the grand finale? Three straight days of emergency runs to the ENT, the eye doc and the dentist. And now this?!

Snow on Thanksgiving means I may not get to go to George and Martha's with my friends which we've been doing for ten years now...and loving it.

When I got to, "Please, God...," I hesitated. I knew I was heading down that wrong road again. I did not thank God for snow on Thanksgiving if that be his will...I did think that snow could wait just one day, but I didn't ask for it.

But I remembered my earlier gratitude for learning not to stick my nose into business not my own...and the weather clearly is not mine to fix.

It occurred to me, yet again, how personalizing any perceived problem is my invitation for my ego to do my thinking for me...to resist, in a word, and that brings its own ugly with it. Resistance is like a tar baby...the instant I resist I've gotten involved and cannot, on my own, get away. To break free takes complete agreement with, acceptance of, surrender to that which my ego says cannot be allowed. For that, I must turn to God.

I remind myself of my decision that I'd rather have God's will done in my life than my will, no matter how pretty my will looks (and how not pretty God's will looks). I say, "Whatever, God."  Then I feel relief that the problem is no longer mine.

Snow on Thanksgiving? Ruckus will be ecstatic.

Thank you.

THE POWER OF PARADOX

I asked God for strength that I might achieve -- I was made weak that I might humbly learn to obey...

I asked for health that I might do greater things -- I was given infirmity that I might do better things...

I asked for riches that I might be happy -- I was given poverty that I might be wise...

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men -- I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God...

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life -- I was given life that I might enjoy all things...

I got nothing that I asked for -- But everything I hoped for!

Almost, despite myself -- My unspoken  prayers were answered.

I am among all wo/men most richly blessed!

-- Author Anonymous

GOD IS LOVE

You know when God is with you utterly, completely, endlessly, without fail? When you feel it least. When you feel you're really out there in the ether without a tether and all the slings and arrows are coming right at you directly, and it is personal, and it is not fair, and where's the great vaunted God now? That's when God loves you best.

But, should you forget...he also loves you best when you know it and you show it. Without trying to. Just by breathing in and out.

That's God for you.

Thank you.

THE NEED FOR WE...AWESOME

I've found my gold. I just reread my yesterday's blog and there, right in the midst of wanting to smack somebody, I was gifted with my gold.

I haven't been physically able to meet with my peeps on a regular basis for weeks now. And not my peeps that I talk to on the phone daily, but my peeps that I haven't even met yet. My soul mates who are still unknown to me, that I will never meet until we, say, gather at the river.

My heart sings at the reality...at the realization of need...needing to meet, needing to gather, needing to share. We. Experiencing the need for we and knowing it.  Awesome.

God loves me so much. It is impossible to comprehend how much God loves me. I know God's love by the force of my need...or is it by the source of my need? Or both.

Thank you.

KNOWING IT AND SHOWING IT...UH-OH

I decided to pitch all my journals. The problem is I started to read one. There in July of 2003 I wrote about a problem that I also wrote about on October 1, 2014. I was right in July of 2003, and I was right in October of 2014, and I know this because I wrote at length about the problem both times. (I hope I quit reading and just pitch because for sure I'll start counting how often I wrote about "the problem" in between those times and continue to miss the real message: It's not them, it's me.)

I'm reminded of this now in particular because the same problem in another person's body has just visited itself upon me...through, of course, no fault of my own. The trouble is I know from my eyebrows up that until I can overcome my own resistance, I will find it coming from everywhere and everyone.

God's cute. I just picked up my "God Calling," and there in my own handwriting is a note I wrote to me in 2007: "Practice living love by loving adversity the same as no adversity."

Knowing it and showing it are two entirely different things.

I'm back to just wanting to slap someone. Sigh.

Thank you.

FORGIVING OUR OWN WOUNDED SELF

Fr. Richard Rohr, speaking of Saint Francis of Assisi embracing a leper he had once shunned, said, "Francis identified with the poor, the marginalized and those on the bottom, which you normally cannot do until you embrace the wounded leper within yourself."

That is one important statement. It is that wounded leper within ourselves that determines our every experience. Until we embrace it fully, it will always be that which  we see,  feel, and think...and name Him, Her, Them.

What we see is always ourselves...and until we forgive our wounded leper within, we will not find the peace of forgiveness within or without.

Thank you.

LIVE IT OR REMOVE IT

The New Colossus

By Emma Lazarus, 1883

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

This poem on a plaque on the Statute of Liberty is either true for us or it is a bald-faced lie about us. Specifically: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

I say, live it or remove it. 

Thank you.

THE JOY OF THE LORD

It seems as if we awake one day at the door of our own spiritual life. We open that door and almost the first thing we hear is that we need to change only one thing about ourselves. Which happens to be every single thing about us...which actually is just one thing: our thinking. Specifically the idea that "taking care of No. 1" will ever bring us joy. We begin our journey when we realize that i, me, my, mine is no longer any of our concern.

Our concern now is to realize the importance of I Am. To realize I Am as you, yours, me, mine, us, they, them, theirs...all of whom equates to We. To the fact that we are one with God, subordinate to and servants of. That is our function, that is our joy.

Joy itself now takes on a new meaning. God Calling today speaks of "the Joy of the Lord."  So live with Me in the kingdom of Joy, My Kingdom, the Gateway into which may be service, it may be suffering. Tell me your reasoning mind welcomes that opportunity...joy in service is questionable, but suffering?! Our ego-driven, ego-based reasoning mind will not ever agree.

There. That's the nut of the whole change we are asked to make as we enter deeper into higher consciousness: To change our minds, to upgrade our thinking, from me to we. In that process we do suffer, but it is the ego-pains of stripping ourselves of our me-first thinking, and changing our minds to we-thinking. Knowing that unaided we cannot do that, we invite God to do our thinking for us.

There we find "the Joy of the Lord." The joy we experience from God flowing through us in love for our "enemy" with us receiving the love of that same "enemy" in return.

Thank you.

ACCORDING TO ME

On the humanness of living spiritually...the hardest part is to be the human we are and know with trust that God is doing the heavy lifting, the transmuting of our heart, our soul, our body, our brain into his likeness.

We keep trying not to be our plain brown wrapper self...not good enough, not clever enough, not catchy enough, not loving enough...but to be what we imagine we should be according to how the one who sounds best comes across to us. The one we secretly judge as phony...that one.

God can do better...and proves it daily. God can bring joy out of heartbreak...peace out of discord...love out of anything. The only thing that holds God back is our reasoning mind, wrapped in ego, which knows it can do better. But cannot prove it.

God can and will if sought.

Thank you.

ON BELIEVING OUR OWN PRESS

Continuing from my yesterday's blog about the yoga kitty/top compliment: The reason why it is so important that the God of my understanding, my friends and I all know me, really know me, is we know that I lean spiritual, but, scratch me, and I can be just as petty as I ever was.

Too often, leaning spiritually, we start to believe our own press. The fact is none of us, or at least no one I know, is in danger of passing Jesus, the Buddha, Allah, or even the local preacher in our spiritual consciousness...but it is (apparently) easy to believe it when we're on a roll. [I speak, of course, from observation, not experience...she lied straight-facedly.]

At any rate, I'm still loving my card...and I don't even want to smack someone right now.

Thank you.

GOD KNOWS ME AND SO DO MY FRIENDS

Yesterday I received a "thinking of you" card from a friend. It is one of  the best I have ever received.

The front shows a kitty on her yoga mat with her bottle of water beside her. She is twisted into an incredibly complex yoga position, and she has a most disgruntled look on her face.

The inside reads, "I meditate, I do yoga, I chant...and I still want to smack someone!"

I told my friend I loved it beyond reason, and she said, "I knew you'd like it...it's so YOU." Now there is a compliment that cannot be topped.

Thank you.

A NOD, A WINK, A SILENT THANK YOU

I have come to believe and to accept that our one concern is the attainment of God-realization which is the destruction of material sense and all of its forms.

My spiritually attuned mind accepts that, desires that above all, and seeks more...just more. In my quiet time and on occasion throughout many days, I am in God's world...just filled with gratitude for what is in that moment. Living the lilies of the valley.

And then? Ego pops...looking for the razzmatazz. For sure, there ain't no razzmatazz in lilies of the valley, nor for that matter in loving that so-called friend who (I'm just sure) betrayed me.

There. That is where ego traps us. For it is ego's nature to look for the razzmatazz. It is our getting bogged down in trying to tame ego's nature where we lose the battle. The fact is that our ego cannot comprehend anything outside itself...to try to change that is to lose. A nod, a wink, a silent thank you and keep on moving is all that's necessary.

I'm guessing the reason that is so hard to do is because its only requirement is that we declare ourselves a loser to our ego. Our ego calls that winning out over God. It is not...it is learning to "resist not evil" as specifically directed in the Sermon.

Thank you.

WE MUST GO BEYOND REASON

Way back when Harry Truman was president, and particularly when he was on his so-called "whistle-stop" tours, when he spoke, people would call out, "Give 'em hell, Harry!" To which the president replied, he was just telling the truth, and people thought it was hell.

I think of that when "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord" comes into my consciousness. My life got simpler when I realized that as "Forgiveness is mine, saith the Lord."

We seek God's help in making her pay for her bad behavior toward us, and there he goes, walking away seemingly free as a lark. Our answered prayer is the Lord's gift of forgiveness of our perceived enemy, but, as long as we stay in our reasoning-mind world, it will feel like vengeance toward us. Forgiveness goes entirely against our ego-victory reasoning mind. Forgiveness to the ego means, "They got away with it."

To me forgiveness is just another word for surrender. And we all know what surrender means...it means we lost. We did not win. We got clobbered...snookered...skunked. The trick is, the sooner we accept...not resign ourselves to, but accept...our own worst possible meaning of that word surrender, the sooner we are freed of its personal stigma and our need to fight it (thus nurturing it by holding it closer). Only then can we experience a new freedom, a new light pouring from within, a new life.

As long as we stay in the belief that the Lord's idea of vengeance is the same as our idea of vengeance, we keep ourselves bound to vitriol, imaginings of payback, hate...outward and inward, despair...all acts of the ego-victory reasoning mind of which the Lord knows naught.

Again, and yet again, and still again: We must go beyond reason to love.

Thank you.

LOVE THE PROBLEM

We're told the answer is to always love and laugh. The secret is in realizing that we need to love the problem, laugh at the discord...when we realize that, there is no problem, no discord.

Intellectually understanding that gets us bubkes if we stay there...in the intellectual understanding. It is in the realization of that truth whereby the transition takes place.

When we realize the truth in life's paradoxes, we are lifted into God consciousness, the fourth dimension, and the realization lives us.

Or so I am told.

Thank you.

FEELING THERE...AT ONE

It is really hard to accept that a self-determined objective that looks good, sounds spiritual, is, in fact, quite fetching to the reasoning mind is not of God...is just another self-determined objective, maybe good, maybe not so good.

I determined yesterday when I awoke that twelve days was long enough to be ill. I determined that I am well...all well, and I am going to act like it. Which I did. I changed the sheets on my bed, washed the sheets, washed all my dirty whites, then all my dirty darks...was quite the busy lady, getting it done.

By afternoon I did not feel one bit better than I had when I self-determined myself all well. I did not feel one bit worse either. Exactly the same...still nearly deaf as a post and nearly hacking up a lung. Which is better than the original...really deaf as a post and really hacking up a lung.

The hidden hook is the objective underneath my self-determined objective. My hidden hook was not just to be all well but to FEEL all well. I got a lot accomplished for which I was grateful, but I still felt less than...not myself...a quart low so to speak.

God is the determiner of our daily life perspective...if we keep an attitude of gratitude to God for God, our daily experiences all fall in line behind. They determine nothing. It is our attitude of gratitude that shines the light. My housework (all necessary), done with an expectation of feeling all well, simply got done...which is good, but left me still feeling a quart low.

I got up this morning and said, "Thank you,  God. This morning I start my yoga again, after which I'll do my usual morning schedule, walk the boy, feel your love, mentally reach out to someone who is ticking me off and reinforce to me that I love them."

That's exactly what I did and am doing, and my mind is singing "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning." I feel all well...still deaf, etc., but feeling there, at one.

God loves me so much.

Thank you.

LOVE...THE FABRIC OF LIFE ITSELF

Rohr today writes, "Love is what we were made for..." and I read "Love is what we were made of..." and there was my blinding flash of the obvious. Love is the sum and substance of what all life is...love, simply love. That is its fabric, its content. It is the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat, the sunshine, the rain...God itself.

It may be only the human ego that misses this completely, denies it and in that denial is all about proving that ego is what we were made of.

Interestingly, on awakening, I flashed that everything in our life is simply our interpretation of what we are perceiving. I realized that years ago, but it came again this morning more urgently somehow.

Then I read an Albert Einstein quote, "A human being is part of the whole, called by us 'universe,' a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

To me, that says the exact same thing as my BFO...only more intelligently. Which led to my interpretation of that: It is the ego that experiences ourselves as something separate from the rest, the ego that interprets our perceptions and labels them "good" or "bad," "for" or "against."  The "goods" and the "fors" are legislating for the ego...all else must be resisted.

There. That is the very reason why we humans must seek still more spiritual growth for, of ourselves, we will always rely on the ego. We could be released from all resentments, any negative factors at all, if we were only willing to release the ego charge that is born in and flows from contempt, dislike, adverse judgments. The more we are in contempt, disliking and judging, the hotter the ego-charge, the further from the natural state of love that flows in us, from us, through us, is always present...but rarely realized.

It takes serious desire...not work, desire (willingness)...to detach from our ego values...to let our consciousness be raised through surrender of our own self-will. Self-will, that which tells us it is our only safety, our only protection. It never was, it never is, it never will be...loose it and let it go.

Thank you.

ACCEPTANCE...AN ACT OF GRACE

[The following is a reprint of my blog of February 19,2012, reworked.]

“If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it.” — Fr. Richard Rohr

To me, the rest of that thought is: in your search for someone out there to blame...“If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it in your search for someone out there to blame.”

There is no one to blame, not even our own self. There is no one to blame for anything, no reason to shame anyone. We are, however, responsible for our pain…no matter who or what the apparent cause.

It is through surrender that pain is transformed…and then becomes the instrument through which we can be of benefit to others.

We slowly, slowly learn that all pain is beneficial to us when we learn to take responsibility for it...and the instant we think, “Yes, but...,” we are going down that wrong road again.

There are two truths about pain...1) all transformed pain is beneficial; and 2) finding someone to blame nurtures, grows, our pain.

Another truth: Acceptance, like forgiveness, cannot be received through an act of will...it can only come through the grace of God.

Thank you.

COMING TO THE UN-NEED TO KNOW

Prayer is not the avoidance of distractions, but precisely how you deal with distractions. Contemplation is not the avoidance of the problem, but a daily merging with the problem, and finding its full resolution. It is a way 'to look over (our) shoulder' for God [the brilliant insight of the anonymous author of the 14th Century book, 'The Cloud of Unknowing,' Chapter 32].  -- Fr. Richard Rohr, "Daily Meditation," May 6, 2012.

If God is indeed in everything, doesn't it follow that God is in this viral infection? Wouldn't that mean this viral infection is good, too? Maybe this is just a step in my process of initiation...the initiation we are assured we must all go through in seeking God. In changing our mind...in divorcing ourselves from our own opinions...in coming to the un-need to know.

Thank you.

AMAZING GRACE

So I open my "God Calling" this morning, and the first thing I read is a note I wrote to me on this date in 1991: "I am right now being used by God, just exactly as I am." I thought back to the Fall of 1991, and I won't even go into the chaos in my life back then.

So I wrote under that note, "2014 - I can believe that right now in the midst of this viral infection." And I can. My choice, my life. With which came a blinding flash of the obvious, "God can and will intervene in my life in my behalf when I quit telling him where in my life he needs to intervene."

I mean for all I know God is right now putting out a major fire for me that I know nothing of because he knows this infection is an anthill that'll go when it goes.

There. There's another reason to love God. How many friends do we have or have we ever had that we could rail at and show our butt to just as if they wanted to see it, blame 'em and shame 'em even, and the very next day, they give us love, understanding, peace...with not one "I could have told you so" in it?

God is so good to me...to us.

Thank you.

I SEE ME

It has been one week to the day that I came down with this viral infection, and that is long enough. I'm not able to get together with my peeps, and I am not happy...in a sick, sad and sorry-for-me way. And if a friend did come over, I'd probably not answer the door, and then feel doubly hurt when they walked away. I wish I were kidding.

I'm still deaf...not as deaf as a post like I was, but who's kidding whom...deaf by any degree is still deaf. My head aches...I combed my hair, which ain't going to happen again, and I heard every single hair going through the comb, screaming as it went. I took a sip of water and it sounded like Katrina inside my head.

I had to wait till 8:00 AM to walk Ruckus because I didn't want to be out there in the morning darkness and trip on a loose brick, fall, and knock myself unconscious. He'd run and get hit by a car...no, someone would come along, see my little angel, snatch him and run, leaving me for dead. I'd never see my darling little baby boy again. I'd just better be dead.

And since I'm Seeing Me so clearly...I'll just say I've got the distinct feeling that God is off somewhere clipping his nails, waiting for his tea to steep, and here's me, quoting promising words (he goes before me to make the crooked places straight...uh-huh), and feeling unloved, unneeded, unwanted and unappreciated. And if this is his personal pique because I didn't know he does get his feelings hurt, then I'm sorry. He should have told me long before this for heaven's sake. He had ample opportunity back when I was all well...that's just dirty pool.

...well-grounded folks seem to be able, with God's grace, to take these calamities of life in stride and turn them into their demonstration of faith.

Thank you.

HIS WILL, HIS WAY

So I'm still feeling like 40 miles of rough, rough road, and I'm not shy about telling God about it...I mean, he's got all power, as I tell him repeatedly, what's he saving it for?...heal me already.

In the night God said to me, "Where's the 'thank you' that you're forever raving about? It fits for others but not for you?" (God doesn't take nattering quietly.)

I was immediately taken back to a book written in the early '70s, "The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment" by Thaddeus Golas. In it, Golas tells many stories about getting out of self...through either LSD or meditation. I've never done LSD, and I don't recommend it especially since meditation works, and I can vouch for that.

He relates the story of trying to find love within/without, praying and searching and tripping and getting nowhere. So he drops acid, goes on a horrendous trip...a hideous scarifying monster is right in his face, and he's begging to get away from it.

Right at the height of his terror, he is gifted with the thought, "What was it that you thought needed to be loved?"

There it is...there's my answer. I'm not going to arise all healed, if that were God's will, it would have happened by now. What I get is to glory in the gold that has come to me through this viral infection. Wonderful friends who've walked and tended to Ruckus, repeatedly, who've brought me food and groceries, called just to let me know I'm being thought of. Am I blessed or what?

The real gold, I can stop nattering God about getting my way. He does indeed have all power, and the sooner I align my wishes with his will, the sooner I'll get happy about it.

Thank you.

THINK THE RESENTMENT THROUGH

[The following is a reprint of my blog of February 21, 2012.]

I love when a hard lesson learned back in the day stands me in good stead today.

Back story: When I had my first dog, a seven-pound Maltese, whenever I flew, I could take him with me in a carrier that fit under the seat in front of me. Once I was flying home so my dad could drive us down to see “the old home place.” I was excited because it was news to me that I hadn’t seen “the old home place”…I thought that’s where we went to visit when I was a kid.

So, in the preparations to go, I had a feeling that I needed to nail down my dog’s reservation to be in the cabin with me…only one pet per cabin was allowed. I went to the airport the day before, bought his ticket, got confirmation that he’d be allowed to fly under the seat in front of me…we were all set.

The next day, we’re at check-in, and the lady behind the counter was having a baaad day. Came our turn, she was having none of this dog-flying-in-the-cabin stuff. No matter the paid ticket I showed her, the reservation that was listed on her manifest…no and no and no.

I could feel my insides turning to stone, my jaw clenching tighter…and all the sudden the voice of reason spoke in my ear, “Think your resentment through. It is a 59-minute flight. That dog can survive one hour in the belly of the plane. If you do not give over, you are going to have a resentment that will be on your mind the entire time you’re at the old home place…all you will see, hear, feel will be your own thoughts grinding about the letter you’re going to write the airlines and the unfairness of it all.”

With which, in mid-sentence, I said, “Fine…whatever needs to happen, we’re fine with it.”

With which, the woman said, “Oh, good Lord, take your dog and go get on the plane.”

I am reminded of that this morning because I just saw Rev. Franklin Graham on television double-talking as fast as he could about President Obama being less-than a Christian and Newt Gingrich, et al., being white lights of Christianity.

I need to start thinking this resentment through, or that “hard lesson learned back in the day” isn’t going to mean a thing today…and hard lessons learned once mightn’t get seconds.

Thank you.

LEARNING TO WALK GOD'S WAY

Disagreements, spats, arguments...all ego driven...no matter how right we know we are. That's why it's vital that we immerse ourselves in the spiritual matter that specifically directs that we cease fighting...period, that we agree...period, that we imagine peace, then live that...period.

This is probably an over-simplification (because simplicity is what speaks to me), and it surely is counterintuitive, but it seems to be easier for us to blow up at another with others around than it is to ask the other if we might speak in private and then state our case away from others.

To blow up in public and then apologize in private is surely ego driven...there is no God there. For, if we're doing it right, we will realize that we were wrong and what we need is to get over ourselves...i.e., apologize first then make amends as needed.

The underlying personal problem seems to be that the audience that we played to is missing, will never hear us acknowledge our mistake that we so openly paraded, and the one we skinned alive is left wanting that very audience to know...but s/he'll look ego-driven if s/he quibbles, etc., etc., etc.

To blow up in public and then apologize in private is the exact opposite of God’s work. If we must disagree, then disagree in private, and we won't have to acknowledge in public...that's God’s work. 

Thank you.

ANGEL-FRIENDS AND ME

I'm reading this morning "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well," and I'm thinking, "Good luck with that."

Which means me and my still more spiritual growth split the blanket yesterday, and I'm still half blanketed in self. I spent the day in the ER, worried about Ruckus getting fed and walked, not to mention my own self...it was not pretty.

Finding the gold, I really wasn't as nasty as I wanted to be...I chewed the Lord a new one, but he's better at overlooking that than walking around peeps are.

And my baby got walked and fed and loved without me...which, in my poor, pitiful, put-upon-me state of mind, may be the good and the bad news together. Clearly I have my work cut out for me.

Not to end on a down note: one of my angel-friends took me to the ER, another is coming over this morning to walk the little guy, and another this afternoon. How can I stay in self-pity with friends like that?...I'm sure I can find a way, but I'm choosing not to.

Thank you.