I learned a valuable lesson once about how dear I hold my fears...I thought it was unforgettable until something happened yesterday that reminded me of it, and I realized that I'd forgotten all about it.
Back story...one time a friend and I were sharing just what our worst fear was. I said mine was fear of losing my mind and being locked up in a straight-jacket in St. E's forever. She immediately said, "Oh, I've been in St. E's...that's no big deal."
Such fury flashed through me that I knew no torture I could think of would be enough for her...the awfullest I could think of was but butterflies on her cheeks to what she deserved. I felt this so intensely that I had to quick excuse myself and go to the restroom. (I've spent a lot of time in restrooms which I don't doubt has saved a lot of friendships...probably could have spent more.)
Later in my journaling I examined my reaction, and I realized how dear I hold that fear...to have it made mock of was just the outside of enough. I could think of nothing, no other feeling of mine, that anyone could put down or dismiss or laugh at that would incite such fury within me.
Just yesterday in conversation the topic of fears came up. I mentioned that, back in the day, my worst fear was, etc., and my friend said that wasn't hers...that she would have welcomed going out of her mind. I didn't flash furious, but I immediately started expanding on my fear, trying to make everybody understand that my fear was justified, legitimate, if you will..."It's not just fear of insanity, it's fear of being in a straight-jacket for eternity," I wailed.
I've pondered that this morning. I considered things I love and their being dissed...what do I love more than anything in the world? I'd say God, but really...the best I can do with God is know that He loves me, and I'm just grateful I finally know that. There have been loves in my life, but if someone made mock of any of them, I would not flash furious...probably would be offended, say so, and move on. There is no good feeling I have toward anything, that I can think of right now, that I would feel murderous about if that feeling were dissed. I'd feel ticked, of course, but not blind fury.
But my worst fear...to diss it, apparently is to diss my very self? That I still consider it my worst fear gives me justifiable cause for pause. Why? Because, going insane on its face does not frighten me. Straight jacket? Oh, I'm feeling tummy turnovers right there. Claustrophobic, maybe.
So, is it loss of control that's the real culprit...the base of my worst fear? Not just loss of control, but the restriction, unable to even move a finger freely. Yeah...I suspect that's it. And none of that is important really...what the various culprits are is insignificant, in fact.
What matters is my reaction to my worst fear...it is important to find the base, understand the cause, but having found it, I must move on. Else I'll stay there, fretting over the whys and wherefores...and finding someone to blame, more like.
My reaction to my worst fear must be to calm myself...to simply remind me, "It is I, be not afraid." Or, to mentally repeat my mantram. There really is no need to stay with it...for what? Trying to tame it? No. Tame your reaction to it by simply acknowledging the Higher Power within. That's it.
Thank You.
ADDENDUM: In thinking about this in my quiet time this afternoon, I got a mini BFO...it may be that fear is the tie that binds us to our reasoning mind, to the material world (third dimension). Bolstered by the suspicion that letting go of a justified fear is letting go of one's common sense, we cling to that fear while wanting it gone. We nurture our fear by concentrating all our attention on it, praying to be rid of it. And not just fear for life, limb, sanity (what we call "real" fears), but fear of making a social faux pas, fear of doing dumb in a work situation, and the like. All are of the material world. They do not exist in the spiritual world which is why it does no good to ask God to keep them from happening...or to cause them to happen to someone else. They do not exist in the spiritual world.
If all of that is true, it's no wonder I felt such fury on having my fear dissed...it represented my world, my reasoning mind world.
On the other hand, love is the stairway to the fourth dimension, the spiritual world. All that it requires is acceptance...becoming transparent to the moment, also known as surrender.
Thank You.
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