LEARNING TO LOVE V. LOOKING FOR LOVE

Lord grant that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love. -- Saint Francis of Assisi

Eknath Easwaran writes that "learning to love is like swimming against the current of a powerful river; most of our conditioning is pushing us in the other direction." Beside that, in a note of mine, I had written, "This is the way to forgiveness of Mom and her latest trick...to love her I must keep looking for ways to show her love instead of ways to shame her behavior."

I had always sent birthday cards, Mother's Day cards, Valentines, etc., to Mom, but they each and everyone said simply, "Happy Birthday" or Mother's Day, or Whatever Day. Not another word. Then, for one of those days, I was looking for a card and found one that was the hearts-and-floweriest, laciest, sugariest card on the rack. The kind that turned my stomach. It had a verse that went on over both insides about the Receivee being a fabulous, wonderful, best-ever, No. 1 Mother.

Sidebar: When I moved to L.A., in the early '60s, I'd landed me a writer/producer in the movie industry. Keeping him happy was my only goal in life, and he was sure he could make me a money-making star if I would just change my name...which, of course, I did. My mother took this name change as a direct, personal, with malice aforethought, stab to her heart. So naturally every non-card I sent I signed with my movie-star-wannabe name...because I had a right to be me, my life wasn't all about her, etc., etc., etc.

So, back to the sugary card. I bought it. I wrote "I love you" at the bottom. I signed my birth name. I sent it. To my mother.

The almost beyond-belief part is that I did this without planning, without grinding of teeth, without drama. I was looking for a nothing card, I saw the sweet one, and, although the thought did pass my mind that this might be hypocritical on my part, God whispered, "Like you've never been hypocritical before," so I bought it, and it all went forward.

She called me when she received it...crying. Said she'd save it forever. I never again sent her a nothing card, and I always signed my birth name with "I love you."

When I was packing up her house after she passed, I found all the sugar cards in her keepsake box, tied together with a ribbon. Thanks, Mom. I love you still.

Thank You.