ENOUGH AND MORE THAN ENOUGH

When I was ten years old, my brother, who was twelve, became very ill and was admitted into Children's Hospital. After a month or so of many tests, he was found to have an incurable illness, was brought home and passed away. There was enormous debt, yet we never went hungry, we always had a roof over our head, a bed to sleep in...enough, in a word. We'd be putting on airs to call ourselves "middle class," but it never entered my mind that we'd not have...enough.

Same goes in my adult life...I have always had enough. I've never gone hungry, I've always had my bed to sleep in, I've always been able to pay my rent or mortgage, I've always had friends...I've always had enough.

Yet it is a fact that back in the day my prayers to God were always for more. I'd dress it up right pretty, but it was always, quite simply, for more...more love, more glory, more security...more.

I've been pondering this since I saw a news story recently about a youngish teacher whose job was abolished. Her job along with a boatload of others teachers' jobs. From the sounds of it, she immediately went right down the tubes. Lived on the streets, admitted, with tears in her eyes, that she went home more than once with a stranger..."lived under the bridge" in the vernacular and maybe in truth.

My heart went out to her because I know the pain of relying on the reasoning mind to fix an unfixable problem.

My interpretation of her story (based on my own experience) is that in her consciousness that job was her security, her God. If she lost the job, she lost her God...no job, no God. So that when that happened, it so demoralized her, so demolished her, that she simply slipped into hopelessness, rather than accept that the job was not the answer...rather than change her mind.

For it is in the reasoning mind's worst case scenario that the unthinkable answer is found. It is in our acceptance of our inability to think of a solution, in the utter hopeless, helpless, powerlessness of that moment that we stop trying to think and are raised into a deeper consciousness.

We go beyond reason to love, to God...and find green pastures, still waters, peace. Enough, in a word.

Thank You.

SLOW DOWN, A SPIRITUAL ACT

The following is a reprint of a blog of mine of July 14, 2008.

Some years ago I heard an elderly man say that the most spiritual thing one is ever going to do in life is to slow down.

I, of course, knew better than that and considered it no further.

Yet, the thought was always there, popping up when I least expected or wanted it…usually when I was thinking my hardest on yet another guru’s deeply spiritual saying that was clearly out of my realm of experience.

Then one day, a blinding flash of the obvious: whatever I am chasing, racing after, totally focused on, is my God at that moment.

That came to me the day I was running late for an appointment, getting nothing but red lights, cursing, feeling anger at everybody in front of me, sorry for poor, pitiful, put-upon me. I suddenly realized that a green light was my God right then…that my peace of mind, my answered prayer, my God existed solely in a green light that would allow me to get to an appointment that I hadn’t cared enough about to leave on time for in the first place. What a cheap God I had!

I’m usually early for my appointments today…getting just as many red lights as I ever did, but since my God doesn’t live in traffic lights anymore, I can drive at peace, getting out of the way of those who are still chasing their God of the green light.

Thank you.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

I have this theory that most things we're seeing in the material world is a mirror image of what God sees...namely, in reverse. That's how paradox was born, according to me.

It seems all...or most for sure...of the things I've resisted, tried to hold off, have turned out good and for my benefit...painful, due to my resistance, but beneficial. And the things I've wrapped myself up in a pretty bow to cause to happen...well, enough said.

I wonder if that is why so often snark feels warm and fuzzy, and goodness feels sanctimonious...or is that  just me?

Some years back, I was talking with someone who does not gossip. I, in my ignorance, did not know this, and I passed on a really juicy item. To which he proudly (in my judgment) replied, "I do not gossip." I replied that, clearly, I do. I then went home and told my bathroom mirror that he might not gossip, but he sure did listen well.

Gossip is not a good thing...never was, never will be. But it is important to recognize that not all information passed along is gossip.

I remember once trying to help someone with a spiritual principle and got so muddled, I was in despair for my own sanity. Not wanting to talk about her, I said nothing to anyone until my lid was near blowing...and the person I told was all, "Oh, didn't you know? We all think she's probably a sociopath...you can think good thoughts about her, but keep your distance."

And there's the lesson...our words are not holy to anyone but ourselves. With a sincere heart, we can hold good thoughts for another and probably do as much if not more good than hours of running our mouths.

We must learn to listen without before we can learn to listen within...where the gold is.

Thank You.

ANKLE-BITERS AND ANGELS

This I know about me: I am wonderful in no-alternative situations...I am petty beyond belief with hassles. Given an inch to try to maneuver any situation and it's natter, natter, natter in my head.

All this because of an unfortunate happening in a unit in my same tier on the seventh floor of my condo. The water pipe linking to the toilet popped loose, liberating water...lots and lots of water since the owner was away, and it is not known when the pipe popped.

All I know is I'm on the third floor and there is some water damage in my guest bath and bedroom.

Well. This has inconvenienced me beyond my reasoning mind's ability to cope. That is where my quiet time is set up. (Until this happened, I'd always thought of it as my QT spot...it is now known by me as  my "Chapel," and I am UN-happy.) I've had to move all my Spiritual Materials (books, daily readers, journal, heretofore, my "stuff") out into the dining room. From which I'll have to move it all back for Pete's sake.

I have three giant dehumidifiers set up in both rooms...one large, two small, actually, but they might as well be giants...they're taking up my space. They are very noisy unless I keep the door shut, then I can't hear them, but still.

OH, this is also Ruckus's room. I've had to drag his crate into the living room where it sits looking like a Vietnamese torture cage, which I've never before noticed...that poor little guy. He must hate that thing...he's never shown it, but geez...how smart do you have to be to know staying there is no fun. God love him.

And we haven't even gotten started on figuring out who pays for this...the insurance adjuster called yesterday, and her first question was whether the condo's master policy would take care of it...HER first question to ME. God reminded me not to be as nasty as I wanted to be, and I ever so politely said that I did not have a clue. She's coming tomorrow to "get started."

Here's the nut. The trouble with all my meditation and reading (not to mention TALKING) spiritual way of life...all the spiritual disciplines, in fact...is it works. If nothing else, it opens your conscience. You open that sucker, and it is always on your case.

I (finally) thought about the person in whose unit it happened, the one who lives one floor below...all those who got hit worse than I did. That's when I recalled how wonderful I am in a no-alternative situation...if my unit got destroyed, I'd be sorry (real sorry), but, I could accept it because it would be self-evident that I simply had no alternative. When the choice is go to God or go to God, I go to God.

And the fact is, of course, once our own self-will has beaten us into utter submission, once we've had to make a decision to let go and let God, that is always and forever the only choice...go to God, or go to God. 

It is the ankle-biters that give me the illusion that this is different...that I have room to bargain and bitch. I don't. I get to upgrade my attitude because it is a proven fact that if I upgrade my attitude, I upgrade my problem.

So, new s.o.s.o. lesson learned...this whole situation is just another angel in my life, leading me to still more spiritual growth. The spiritual growth being, I get to offer help to the people upstairs and thanks to providence it wasn't any worse for me than it was.

And explain to Ruckus that it really is his lovely home when I'm not home and remind him that he loves it.

Thank You.

LOOSING YOUR GOOD...LETTING IT FLOW

Staying in my resistance to Rush, et al., Velcros Rush, et al., to me exactly as I am interpreting them to be  and keeps me just that far from advancing in my own spiritual growth. All the religious right that I "despitefully use" become my God at that moment.

I thank You for all that is appearing to my reasoning mind's eyes...I loose them and let them go, knowing full well this is a discipline I get to do daily. It is as necessary to me as my daily meditation on God Itself.

Per Joel Goldsmith, "The very Soul of God is your individual Soul, and it is out of that Soul (the kingdom of God within you) that your good flows." I will never realize that until I surrender fully to its truth about Rush, et al, too...and before me.

It is available to me only to the degree that I consciously realize it and walk it daily.

Thank You.

THE IMPORTANCE OF RESPECT

So I'm walking Ruckus this morning, and the thought occurs to me that if love of money is the root of all evil, then disrespect is the fertilizer that grows the roots and ensures that evil flourishes.

One cannot disrespect another without disrespecting oneself first.

Thank You.

GO BEYOND REASON TO LOVE

The following is a reprint from my blog of July 31, 2008.

I don’t recall ever truly letting go of any resentment I’ve held of another by praying for them. The very prayer keeps me focused on the wrong as a fact.

I pray for my thoughts about that person…for my heart to be changed, upgraded, toward that person. And in that prayer, I accept the responsibility for letting go of the resentment…that’s when I’m working toward aligning my will with God’s will. Just that slight change of focus, from looking through my eyes at how I’ve been wronged to looking through God’s eyes to peace, takes my thoughts off the resentment, my real problem.

In my idea of a perfect world, I’d only have to do that once, and voila! I’m resentment free. Unfortunately, my resentments are always justified, I am right, and you are wrong. To get free of me takes persistence, sharing my petty problem with another (risking their agreement that this is really petty), and plain old willingness to simply change my mind (an extremely difficult act for me).

But the incredible freedom, the wrap-my-heart-around-it joy, that comes from going beyond reason to love…an impossible get when one is into winning through another’s losing, no matter what the cause.

Thank You.

THE SECRET OF SUPPLY

...the flow of the spirit of God in us is the secret of supply.  -- Joel Goldsmith, "Leave Your Nets," p. 12.

Believing that "the flow of the spirit of God in us is the secret of supply" begins with our divorcing ourselves from our own opinion. Which is just another way of saying "keep an open mind." Which most of us believe we have to begin with...until we come across a statement such as "the flow of the spirit of God in us is the secret of supply."

I suspect I resisted that because my reasoning mind's idea of supply was me with unlimited cash forever...and then little by little, I'd get a tish of so-called enlightenment and think that it might mean unlimited cash whenever I needed it. Then, as much cash as I needed right now.

Supply has nothing to do with cash and everything to do with cash. Cash is a by-product, really. And that's the problem...our reasoning mind was born believing our security is in cash...or money in some form...stocks, bonds, credit, whatever.

Our security is in the absolute gut-bucket, walking around belief that God, our Father/Mother/Soul within, is our security...because It is. Then, whatever we need at the moment...food, companionship, financial...appears. And rarely in the form we're thinking we're needing.

The kicker is we usually must be relieved of all of our outward-appearing security before we can see unto believing that that is true.

Then if we're sitting on the side of the road, begging for alms, because there is no God, and we see no other way because we refuse to divorce ourselves from our own opinion...then we can indeed starve to death in a ditch. Or appear to.

Thank You.

GUTLESS...MY PEARL

The reasoning mind resists moving closer to those who differ from us and aren't shy about saying so because they make it so clear they don't want us closer. To which self-centered fear says, "They're going to tell everybody I'm a nut," or "They must think..." whatever negative fear our ego chooses to use.

It is not the actual moving closer that is our goal...it is taming our own thoughts about those ones, about their differing with us and saying so.

Trying to be friends to a verbally expressive non-friend is just another self-determined objective. It is healing within ourselves that we must realize...it is in our thoughts that all resistance is born, that all violence, all negativity is born. So it is in our minds that all healing must begin and flow forth.

We cannot heal our minds by thinking about it, analyzing it, or even knowing better. We wind up trying new and different ways to do the same thing all over again.

We must go to God, we must realize and then practice spiritual principles, the solver of all problems, the healer of all wrongs.

We must let the unfriend be an unfriend without our being an unfriend in our own thoughts.


Sidebar: I made this truth my own by allowing an acquaintance to think, say and be less than wonderful to me and about me...because I was too gutless to speak up. Then, I beat me up for not being able to respond instantly and uglier than the incoming ugly. My ego-victory mind began building a world-class resentment.

However, I had been told, and did believe, that all my problems could be solved by spiritual principles so I asked God for direction. I was led to the above realization and knew that if I had responded in kind immediately, I would have returned nasty for nasty and missed the gift of gutless as my learning tool.  Gutless was my gift to God to use for my benefit.

The pearl, of course, is I hold no ill-will toward the unfriendly one, plus (best part) no harm was done by me to that one.

Thank You.

OUR HEART'S DESIRE IS GOD'S INVITATION

It sometimes seems to me that Truth is exactly the opposite to what we think is true. Counterintuitive, really. Several quickie favorites of mine are from Eknath Easwaran's  Words to Live By, Inspiration for Every Day.

His December 5 entry, on transforming consciousness...We must find that spot where urgent work is most needed, he writes: "...in some people it is a particular compulsive craving; in some it is jealousy; in some blind fury. Some may be fortunate enough to have all three." (Emphasis added.)

The October 1st entry: "...where people differ from you and aren't shy about letting you know it, don't run away. Move closer to them."

May 1: "To heal our relationships, we have to move closer to people we do not like, to work with them without friction."

To those who can hear, let them hear. All those are great sounding, but, unless we love them just to quote them, there must come a time when we realize that hearing and quoting, if they go no further, are detrimental to personal growth. It is in the doing...the beginning to walk in the direction these truths point that we start the process of stripping our ego of its power.

And learn that the process begins with simply wanting to...wanting to give rather than get...wanting to from our hearts, not our lips...not just paying lip service to a high-sounding concept. (I had a blinding flash this morning...sometimes "kissing it on the lips" is just a way to keep our lips shut, which is seldom a bad idea.)

The process must begin in our heart, for if it begins in our head, it's just another self-determined objective...an ego trip in and of itself. The heart knows.

Our heart's desire is God's invitation to us to leave our nets and follow It. It begins within, it goes forth giving, and returns to us fulfilled...to set forth again, giving, returning fulfilled....

Thank You.

SEEK YE FIRST

Why it is so hard to believe that our supply is already present within us?

It wasn't all that hard to grasp that all the kindness I'll ever need is already within me...all that is needed to show it forth is to use it. Same goes with patience, love, understanding, peace. If it is not within, where do we go to get some? God does not gift us from without...as in, walks up and hands us a cup of kindness to pass on to someone else in need.

My breakthrough came with supply when I thought of Grandma Moses. In imagination, I see her for all of her productive life, a farmer's wife...which is no easy job. Then, in her much later years, her children and husband gone, just to pass the time of day, she picks up a brush and some oils and paints a picture. And becomes rich and famous.

Her supply was always there, within her. I doubt she picked up the brush and oils with the thought of earning money. I don't know her age when first she painted, but she was called "Grandma" for a reason...as in, she was old, too old to be thinking of a new career, I'm guessing. So, chances are she painted for herself, maybe simply to express the spiritual nature of her own being.

There's the answer to "seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all these things shall be added unto you." If we're seeking to know our supply is within us in order to be rid of fear of financial insecurity, we're going down that wrong road again.

It's impossible to be free of fear of anything by shoring up against that which we fear...that just nurtures the fear...solidifies it, actually.

We become free of fear in the moment we know God is...in the moment and for the moment. Then we continue to seek ye first....

Thank you.

A LIFE'S WORK

I am amazed at how high my standards are for others and how high their standards are for me. The fact is that we all fall from our standards for others...which is the basis for the adage, "if you can spot it, you got it," or the age-old "takes one to know one."

It is not so much our treatment of others, up front and out there...no, it is how we silently think of them, judge them mentally. That's what counts against us, jars our own conscience, keeps us awake at night.

To know peace, then, we need to ponder God and the ways of God...as in "we have given up fighting anything or anybody" or "agree with your adversary quickly." Then do it...and from the heart, not just the lips. That is living it.

There's our day's, week's, month's, year's, years' work cut out for us.

Thank You.

ALIGNING OUR WILL WITH GOD’S WILL

The following is a reprint from a blog of mine of February 27, 2012.

Nothing has more strength than dire necessity. — Euripides

That pretty much describes how needs are met. “The Father knows our needs,” does not mean that the Father will either gift us with our need fulfilled or make our need disappear…no. He gives us strength we knew naught of to do what needs doing.

Wants, on the other hand, are pretty much dependent on our willingness to do other than beg God for a freebie. In general, God isn’t going to do for us what we can do for ourselves.

Plus, there are a lot of wants that God isn’t about to touch and neither should we, but that seldom stops us, does it?

There…that’s an excellent reason for aligning our will with God’s will.

Thank You.

OCEAN, DESERT, MUD...ONE

Ocean to the right
Desert to the left
Mud in the middle

It is from the mud in the middle that we are formed...from which we move forth to be. To become. To make our choices as to whom we will be...whom we will show forth...to learn what fits, what personality, what gifts, what defects.

Never suspecting that we are the mirage of the ocean and the desert.

It is God's grace that reveals that there is no choice...we are now just as we were then: one with the ocean, with the desert...mud, God.

Thank You.

OVERCOMING OURSELVES

The following is a reprint of a blog of mine from July 30 , 2009.

  

Not to him who walks on, with no obstacles in his way, but to him that overcometh is the promise given….And the overcoming is never the overcoming of the one who troubled you, but the overcoming of the weaknesses and wrong in your own nature, aroused by such a one.  - “God Calling” by Two Listeners

That thought is put to the test and proven when one does service work, when one serves others. When one’s chief concern is not how to get, but how to give, one is much more open to the feelings of others, to their cares and concerns.

When service is given simply for the joy of serving…and there is joy in serving…resistance seems almost non-existent. However, when service is given as a duty, and not a happy duty, resistance seems to rule.  

My great aunt was a nurse and a very good nurse…she loved nursing. Since there was no advertising as such in the early 1900s, news of her services was passed on by word of mouth. She always had as many patients as she chose to accept.

Her sister, my grandmother, also trained to be a nurse. She hated it. She just had the worst luck with her patients…they were all demanding, nasty and mean into the bargain.

Many years after they had both retired (and my grandmother was still complaining about her patients), my dad told us that her problem wasn’t the patients, it was her refusal to accept that she was dealing with herself. I wondered at the time what he meant.

I have since learned that what we see is always ourselves. Until we overcome within ourselves that which is putting us off in others, we’ll spend a lot of time finding fault with over there (you), making excuses for right here (me)…and being unhappy.

Thank You.

THE WELCOMING LIFE

Keep it simple.

When first I read "pray without ceasing," I saw me in a hair shirt, on my knees, 24/7. My answer was no, not in this life...but it was a justified no, of course. I mean, I'm allergic to wool much less hair shirts, plus I've got a bum knee, then who's going to walk my dog?

After much resistance, my mind slowly changed...just trying to look at it from another angle, I came to recognize the value in "thank You." Thank You for green lights...and red; for found treasure...and lost. Thank You for everything that comes into our conscious awareness...that is praying without ceasing.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I came to appreciate "thank You" as the perfect praising prayer. It was then that I began to experience the promise, "He will keep you in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him." For how can we not be at peace when we're welcoming...simply welcoming.

And when the outside of enough hits my impatience button, and my mouth, which has a mind of its own, starts flapping...thank You for that, too.

That's what all the disciplining our thoughts has been, and continues to be, about...to help us remember more quickly when, not if, we forget God and go for the glory...the glory of setting one more jerk straight, the glory of looking good up front (if you don't look to close at the behind), the glory of self will winning for the moment.

Thank You for each and every instance...presto, no more rues, regrets, remorses to wake us at 2:00 AM...or considerably fewer, at any rate.

Keep it simple.

Thank You.

IT IS NOT OUT THERE...IT IS WITHIN

Listen...learning to listen. This is the message I'm getting from everywhere right now. Find the silence. Find the silence within...within ourselves. Learning to listen, finding the silence within, is all about discipline...disciplining our very own mind.

The silence of a forest glen is all well and good, but it is not the silence we must find. No...right where we are, come apart from our world and learn to listen as only the dying can.

If we have thoughts that just race/race, run/run, we are blessed. For we know the time is now, the place to start is here...sit down, sit comfortably erect, close the eyes, hold a word or a thought in mind ("thank You" works well), and simply let....

Our goal is to loose the power within. "It makes no difference what you call this power...God, Father or the Christ, by whatever name you call It, It is to be found within you!" (Joel Goldsmith, "The Heart of Mysticism," p. 116.)

That's the entire purpose of meditation...to open ourselves to that which we already have and are searching for so diligently out there.

It is not out there. It is within. Loose it and let it lead.

Thank you.

LEARNING TO LOVE V. LOOKING FOR LOVE

Lord grant that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love. -- Saint Francis of Assisi

Eknath Easwaran writes that "learning to love is like swimming against the current of a powerful river; most of our conditioning is pushing us in the other direction." Beside that, in a note of mine, I had written, "This is the way to forgiveness of Mom and her latest trick...to love her I must keep looking for ways to show her love instead of ways to shame her behavior."

I had always sent birthday cards, Mother's Day cards, Valentines, etc., to Mom, but they each and everyone said simply, "Happy Birthday" or Mother's Day, or Whatever Day. Not another word. Then, for one of those days, I was looking for a card and found one that was the hearts-and-floweriest, laciest, sugariest card on the rack. The kind that turned my stomach. It had a verse that went on over both insides about the Receivee being a fabulous, wonderful, best-ever, No. 1 Mother.

Sidebar: When I moved to L.A., in the early '60s, I'd landed me a writer/producer in the movie industry. Keeping him happy was my only goal in life, and he was sure he could make me a money-making star if I would just change my name...which, of course, I did. My mother took this name change as a direct, personal, with malice aforethought, stab to her heart. So naturally every non-card I sent I signed with my movie-star-wannabe name...because I had a right to be me, my life wasn't all about her, etc., etc., etc.

So, back to the sugary card. I bought it. I wrote "I love you" at the bottom. I signed my birth name. I sent it. To my mother.

The almost beyond-belief part is that I did this without planning, without grinding of teeth, without drama. I was looking for a nothing card, I saw the sweet one, and, although the thought did pass my mind that this might be hypocritical on my part, God whispered, "Like you've never been hypocritical before," so I bought it, and it all went forward.

She called me when she received it...crying. Said she'd save it forever. I never again sent her a nothing card, and I always signed my birth name with "I love you."

When I was packing up her house after she passed, I found all the sugar cards in her keepsake box, tied together with a ribbon. Thanks, Mom. I love you still.

Thank You.

TO BE WILLING TO BE

I just read, and wonder if it is true: "All human evil comes from this: a man's being unable to sit still in a room." That by Blaise Pascal...who is s/he?

It got me thinking at any rate, and the thought occurs that all anxiety comes from resistance -- to our own thoughts? to our own projections? to our own negativity? All anxiety comes from resistance to our own fear.

Never fight fear...never give in to fear.

Aha, this must be what Fr. Richard Rohr means when he tells us to "hold the tension." To stay centered without being swamped by fear or fantasy.

Know fear as nothingness...as simply the impetus needed:

1. to get out of the way of a runaway train;
2. to move closer with patience in our heart to an irritating person;
3. to be willing to be wrong before our world;
4. to take responsibility for being right before our world;
5. to be willing to change our mind;
6. to welcome all things, thoughts, people that come into our mind-field;
7. to take a leap of faith;
8. to Be...for all our world and God to see.   

Thank You.

THE LIFE-FORCE ITSELF

You will never know death as long as you do not confuse yourself with the visible...but realize yourself to be the life-force Itself.  (Joel Goldsmith, The Heart of Mysticism at p. 108)

My eyes shut
My heart stops beating
My breath stills
My consciousness flows on to eternity, back before conception.

Thank You.

THY WILL V. EGO-WILL

A meditation: Thy will, not mine, be done.

Thy will within be done...not my ego-will be done.

Thy will within me wants only the best for me personally, allows only the best for me personally, plus allows no one to be harmed or even slighted but s/he, too, receives beneficially, same as I.

Thy will within being done does not stand in the way of karma. What hurts, harms, makes us sick or afraid is what our ego-will has sent out, returning home...completing its circle.

My ego-will wants only its best for me personally, and no matter if and/or how others are hurt.

Thy will being done requires complete trust in the goodness of grace for the reasoning mind cannot know whether that which is happening is good or bad. The reasoning mind, based in ego, will always fear the appearance if on its face it looks dicey...it will accept the appearance as the reality which it  never is.

Thy will...love, peace, joy, happiness...cannot be seen, heard, tasted or touched, only realized.

Ego-will...a money tree in our back yard, a love on our arm, a friend who understands us and likes us anyhow, and food in the fridge. But where are we when the money tree is uprooted and blown away in a hurricane, the love splits with the friend who understands us, and the hurricane cuts the electricity so all the food is spoiled?

If all that happens...there, that is our gold. For that will  lead us finally to seek: Thy will, not mine, be done.

Thank You.

THIS, TOO, IS A PEARL OF GREAT PRICE

I loved my trip with my sister back to our hometown and then on to my folks' hometown. We were welcomed like the prodigal son, fabulous food and continuous laughs.

Coming back, however, there was a slight problem, and it has turned out to be the pearl beyond price. (There...that's all we need to remember to be set free: slight problem or ugly awful can turn out to be our pearl.)

On the drive back, a seven-hour drive according to MapQuest, we early on missed a cut-off from one major interstate to another. We were almost five hours out, coming into a major city which is in the exact opposite direction of where we were heading, i.e., home, before I said I thought something might be amiss.

Long/short, I was driving so my sister thought I knew where I was going; she was navigating so I thought she'd be giving me directions.

I instantly knew from my toenails up that the hardest part of this for me was going to be not just taking responsibility for my part in it, but not dwelling on what I feared my sister would tell everybody...as in, knowing myself to be spiritually superior, I just knew she'd act like a heathen and blame me...and tell all the family before I got to tell my side of it. All that in a flash full-blown in my head.

With that as first thought, I told her she could blame me and I'd blame her, and we both laughingly agreed. Which relieved my race-race, run-run blaming and shaming mind, thank you, Jesus.

Best punchline ever: When I got home and was telling friends, the story was such a hoot that I found myself taking CREDIT for getting us lost...my sister was barely an afterthought in the telling. If I hadn't learned to promptly divorce myself from my own opinion (which of course was just self-centered fear...and what other kind is there?), I'd still be building the story, blaming her.

God is so good to me...and my sister, too, for that matter.

Thank You.

MY DREAM

The following is a reprint of a blog of mine from October 14, 2010.

I dreamed recently of my grandparents’ home in Kentucky. I had gone to visit but they were not home. It seems that I stayed for a very long time. 

The house had everything except an indoor bathroom. There was, however, an outhouse way back of the house. I made it my job to put it in pristine condition…I white-washed it, I put fresh lye down every day or so, I tatted little lace curtains to cover the hole in the door. It wanted for nothing.

One day my grandparents returned, and my grandmother asked how I liked their beautiful bathroom…with which, she opened a door I had not noticed. There was a spectacular modern bath. She said it had “always” been there, I just hadn’t looked for it.

When I awoke, I thought about my dream, and I realized it was all about my Father within. My God who is ever with me, never needing anything to be added unto Him.

I get so caught up in looking “out there,” in search of the perfect Something, person, book, talisman, to change me, make me more, better, different…maybe simply acceptable. Landing on first this, then that…like my pretty outhouse, facade is everything…make it prettier, more admirable…uh-oh, not right, not good enough, start again.

All I need do is look right here, right where I Am…go into the silence and give over to the God of my understanding who is already here, here in my heart, my Soul.  

Thank You.

GRACE AND MY SUFFICIENCY

For unto everyone that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.

Back in the day, I thought that perfectly described the intransigence of God...almost spitefulness, as in, if you don't need it, you'll get it, but if you're in need, tough. In my opinion, that was just nuts...who is going to love a God like that? I knew too many people like that, including myself on a bad day.

Actually, it's this and other quotes like it that have been the most helpful to me in learning how to divorce myself from my own opinions. Which I was only able to do by committing myself to accept what I read as truth...to study it until I realized the truth of it.

What I've come to understand is fear of financial insecurity will cause us to hoard what money we have, leaving us feeling and, in fact, appearing to be without funds.

Example: My father, late in his life, became fearful of lack. Fortunately, he had already bought his home, car, etc., so he and Mom never did without, but he did become clutch-fisted...stingy, in a word. The last X number of years of his life, they lived very close to the bone because Daddy would spend nothing on extras. On his death, we discovered not only several CDs, but a large amount of cash in his safe-deposit box! Best punch line: Mom lived high on the hog the rest of her life.

Then, there's my cousin who gives with both hands. One time, he inherited a nice amount of money and his two brothers were left out. He divided the inheritance by three so all would have equal amounts and never thought another thing about it. He just does that sort of thing. He gives with both hands and lives exceedingly well.

Our peace is in coming to believe that God really does know our needs, has already solved our problems. When we pray for anything, we are simply denying that which we already have. Nor is it  productive to constantly say, "I have money," "I have love," "I have any name-able thing," for that is just fear pretending to be faith.

It is only necessary to say, believing, "I have Thy Grace and that is my sufficiency."

Thank You.

KISS IT ON THE LIPS

The following is a reprint of my blog of November 28, 2008.

I like the duality of “everything happens by invitation only” and “you have not chosen me, but I have chosen you.”

It has been helpful to me to remember, when I’m in conflict with another, that I’ve made a decision based on self that has placed me in this conflict…that I have invited exactly what is taking place. Which is not to say that I knew exactly what I was inviting…my intentions were no doubt wonderful in my mind’s eye.

I’m reminded of a country western song that was popular in the Austin, TX, area way back in my teens. It was a very funny song, all about body parts we asked for and what we got. I regret I only remember one line, but that one line tells it all: “When they were passing out noses, I thought they said roses, and I said, ‘I’ll have a big red one!’”

Well, that’s how I view the end result of my decisions based on self…what was I thinking? And I usually find some lovely-sounding (usually care-taking) goal I had in mind…that was not wanted, was not needed and was not appreciated by the other person.

On the other hand, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” the promise made in John 15:16, gives me much comfort. The responsibility of choosing God is not on me…if I can complicate a free lunch, you know what I’d do with the responsibility of choosing God. I’d never feel good enough, prepared enough…just plain enough.

I rest in the fact that He has chosen me. It is now mine to make of myself, through spiritual principles, a happy representative of Him. Keeping in mind that what I see is always myself, so it is up to me to find the beauty in whatever comes my way.

I want to be prepared to kiss it on the lips whatever “it” appears to be…for if it is appearing, it is for my eventual good, a great incentive to find the beauty.

Thank You.

GOD BLESS

Ruckus and I are off on our adventure. Expect to be back and blogging on Sunday, May 6.

Thank You.

ANXIETY, MY PEARL BEYOND PRICE

I'm in final preparations for my trip back to Ohio, to my hometown, and then on to Kentucky, to my folks' hometown. I'm picking my  sister up tomorrow; we'll overnight in West Virginia and go into our home place Thursday, getting in around noon.

I am aware that I am feeling much anxiety about this trip, and I am grateful for that. Am I talking trash? No...it's true. I was in my quiet time this morning, and the still small voice again made me aware that my anxiety truly is God's guide, walking me back to him. I learned this long ago, but every time it's reinforced, I feel blessed all over again.

I have felt intense anxiety at every important juncture of my life...and for years, fought it, prayed it would go away...and used the fact that it didn't disappear as my proof that there is no God. When God became a reality in my life, I finally just accepted me as an anxious person...that anxiety was going to be with me till three days after I'm dead, deal with it.

It was that turn around that gifted me with another layer of self-acceptance. I am an anxious person, and if that's the case, then God is aware of it. I, therefore, had to find my splinter of gold in anxiety that I could understand and be OK with. With that I got to look at anxiety from a new angle.

With the understanding that everything happens by invitation only...everything that happens to me personally happens by my personal invitation...I realized that God uses that which we give him to use. I give him anxiety, he uses that to let me know he is with me, guiding me, walking me through and back to him.

My anxiety is my pearl beyond price. Whatever anxiety I feel will only indicate more clearly God's presence within me/without me.

Thank You.