It is such a comfort to me to experience the God of my understanding changing within me. The hardest period of my spiritually learning life was the time I felt dead inside, no feeling of God in my life, no flashes of peace in my head, heart, gut all at once...I'm talking nada. I was scared, depressed and one hundred percent self focused.
I tried everything I could think of (there's the first clue) to bring back my self-generated security...that God was alive, in my life, had my back, was riding herd on my anxieties. Not to put too fine a point on it, but God was doing as I told him to do, and I was happy.
And then he wasn't...and then I wasn't.
In utter desperation I finally defied my ego and went to a meeting of my peers (where I'd been all but lecturing them on the glory of the God of my understanding and how they'd best follow me). I confessed that I did not know if there even was a God, but certainly none was in my life right then.
It was not long thereafter that realization in a blinding flash of the obvious filled my heart: I have been trying to keep the God of my understanding stationary, in a box so to speak, never changing, in order to hold on to that first full measure of God as grace that I had ever experienced. Loose him and let him grow.
I knew peace in my head, heart, gut all at once, and I knew that God is alive and growing within me, without me.
God cannot be held back, I can only follow him...and the best way for me to do that is to love and laugh. At anything and everything, but most especially at the unlovable and unfunny happenings in my life. Now that is freedom.
Thank you.
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