PROTECTED, NO; SUSTAINED, ALWAYS

Here's a thought that got my attention: “...the absolute love of God protects us from nothing even as it sustains us in all things.”

The "protects us from nothing" is the first, the basic lesson we must learn in life, according to me.

That says to me that until we stop looking to God to protect us, change us, change situations that either we ourselves have no control over or we ourselves have created through ignorance or malice or misguided love...until then, we will never know the absolute love of God.

Even as it sustains us in all things! 

We just don't know it...and have no chance of learning unto living it because we're too busy praying for God to do our will, not his...protect us, change us, etc., etc., etc. 

Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. That's why the answer is always...love and laugh!

Thank you.

CECIL DID NOT DIE IN VAIN

With the slaughter of Cecil the Lion in the news and in my head, I'm reminded of the bad trip Thaddeus Golas tells about in his "Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment."

His sole goal in life was to learn to love, to know love from his toes to his nose, to just love. So he drops acid, is visited by a scarifying image of a monster hideous beyond terrifying. He's begging to get away from it. And a voice asks, "What was it that you thought needed to be loved?" There it is.

That's what I'm using now to change my mind about the dentist. That, and trying to remember this, too, is God.

I cannot forget (please and thank you) those folks in Charleston who could face the murderer of their family members and forgive him in the name of God. Now that is righteous. And right. And I know I'm a far piece from there, but more important, I know I am on the right track, heading in the right direction. Wanting to does count. Willingness to let go of my own resistance in exchange for forgiveness of the dentist and all he represents to me is the way.

I accept that God is not waiting to gift me with willingness, or forgiveness, or peace of mind. No. I was gifted with those at birth. I am wholly responsible for finding them within me...in the darkest corner of my heart, soul, body and brains. Go there and find love.

"Yes, love is the final goal but ever deeper trust inside of darkness is the path for getting there." -- Fr. Richard Rohr.

Thank you.

FATHER, FORGIVE US ALL

I feel utterly scattered and battered. Now is the dark night of my soul...again. I feel shattered. Cecil the Lion ruthlessly murdered and mutilated as one man's ego prize.

I prayed for the man's soul. I still do. I need to pray to mean it.

Thank you.

THE CHOICE IS OURS ALONE

What we see is always ourselves. (That may be from the "Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment" but it may be from a Hugh Prather book, or some other...whichever, whomever, for sure it is true.)

All resentments are self-originated, self-propelled, self-looped...sent from self, returning to self. I look at resentments as ego's raincoat, helping ego maintain its illusion of being sheltered from the acid rain, thus untouched by it. The fact is that it is from within that very shelter that the acid is eating away at our soul.

There is nothing easier than letting go of a resentment. All it takes is our being willing to be wrong...or to appear to be wrong. Our reasoning mind goes bat wing crazy over the very idea...flapping and flailing and causing torment beyond imagining...and justifiably according to the mind game people.

But what we're learning is that life is not a mind game. If we're in it to win it, we're in our own mind game, and we just lost.

Life is a journey, spiritual in nature, with the care and concern for others our only goal. Resentments are simply detours on our journey, and each of us is the sole determiner of how long we stay on our detour.

Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve. 

Thank you.

SHOWING FORTH MY GOOD

[The following is a reprint of my blog of July 30, 2010.]

I am the good I seek. In order to benefit from that fact, my focus must be inside, within me, inner directed. It is not enough to know (because I read it somewhere and it rang true and I get it) that I am the good I seek. That’s just knowing from my eyebrows up…which is essential as a first step.

It is after I get it, then begins the work…and the work is to not work. It’s all about sitting in the silence, relaxing into Myself, not striving to attain…anything. Detach, detach, detach.

It is the unseen, the unformable that is the gold I seek. I already know that I contain within myself all the patience that I will ever need, all the love, all the happy, all the forgiveness, all the unseens as it were. For if it is not within me, where do I go to get it? Knowing that, however, serves me no good if, for instance, the clerk at the store takes his own sweet time and holds me up from my ego-driven things to do, places to go, people to see, and I shoot him a nasty (not even a nasty word, but a nasty thought!)…then, the cosmic rule “what goes around comes around” goes into full force and effect. And I will rue my attitude's response.

It is in letting go of those ego-driven thoughts and words that brings the change within me/without me. No matter how egregious the action I perceive, to react in kind is more egregious to my inner being…and thus to my outer.

Imagine my joy when I realized that of myself, I am utterly incapable of making any ego change. That is precisely why I must go to the silence, relax and thank God Almighty that He’s got my back, that I have no pony in this race, no dog in this fight…it is my life, and God lives it in me.

Thank you.

ANGEL UNAWARE

We often hear that it is necessary to forgive but to never forget. Which makes sense, but, according to me, if I don't forget, I haven't forgiven. It's there in my ego's hidey hole just waiting to attack...me. And there's the problem. Anything in my ego's hidey hole, with someone else's name on it, can and will do me a harm soon...however long "soon" takes.

The way to make not forgetting work for us is to find the good in that which we have forgiven...or think we have. Find God there. Whoever, whatever...realize that one as our angel for that's the one who drove us deeper, more wholly to God, than we were ever able to go before...without this specific aid.

Then when we remember that one...and remember we will...we remember with a grateful heart...grateful that we have a new way of seeing, believing, living today, and this is the one who helped lead us there. An angel unaware.

Thank you.

BEAR PATIENTLY BEING...JUST BEING

The following are to be remembered when we are up in our own head, feeling unloved, unwanted, unneeded and unappreciated...in other words, when we are loving our self as The Victim:

"If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice." -- Meister Eckhart

"The crucifixion of the self is accomplished when there is nothing left for which you wish to pray." -- The Infinite Way -- Joel Goldsmith

"This is what you are to do. Lift your heart up to the Lord with a gentle stirring of love, desiring him for his own sake and not for his gifts." - The Cloud of Unknowing -- Anonymous

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"...the counter-intuitive nature of the Jesus-journey shows it is not at all about getting, attaining, achieving, performing, or succeeding (all of which tend to pander to the ego)." -- Fr. Richard Rohr

"We must bear patiently not being good...and not being thought good." -- Francis of Assisi

"We have to be utterly broken before we can realize that it is impossible to better the truth." -- Laurens Van der Post

"It’s not God’s job to decide what happens....It’s his job to help you get through it.” – In the Unlikely Event – Judy Blume 

I rely on statements like those, when my victim is riding high, to help me change my mind. 

There are oh so many more. Back in the day, Ann Landers was a goldmine, as was Erma Bombeck ("Housework, if done right, can kill you."). Just remembering Erma, my day is brighter, and I wasn't even feeling down!

Ah, again: Love and laugh!

Thank you.

ON GETTING RIGHTED

We tend to believe that we must be careful to whom we share our spiritual truths because such truths are perfect for making mock of. For example, just saying, "He goes before me to make the crooked places straight," and immediately tripping over our own feet is funny...but to the mocker, it's funny and ammunition. So, it makes reasoning mind sense that we must take care in our sharing.

The spiritual mind, however, knows that we must take care in our hearing. What we hear and how we choose to interpret what we hear is on us. We give the mocker his ammunition by our interpretation of what we hear her say. We do have a choice.

The ego is so fragile (overly sensitive doesn't even touch it), that we can be sucked into doubt and despair in a heartbeat. Making tenuous our belief...based on our own experience, yet...in that very truth we just spoke. And if that one is in doubt, then what about....? Our fairly new spiritual belief system trembles, and our ego wins again, according to our reasoning mind.

Here is where we must needs rely on our spiritual truth: "What we see is always ourselves." The mocker is me. The doubt is my own to begin with. What a hoot...not to mention a relief. All we need do is turn within and get a God hug. We're righted.

Thank you.

WE START WHEN WE OPEN OUR MIND

It has been said, I forget by whom, that the greatest enemy of ordinary daily goodness and joy is not imperfection, but the demand for some supposed perfection or order. Scrupulosity in a word.

In a book I read many years ago, The Cloud of Unknowing, we are warned to beware of the overly scrupulous. I've come to see in me the danger of scrupulosity...I become the judge, jury, executioner in my own mind. And we don't even have to guess who sits on the bench, in the jury box, swings the sword...my very own ego, of course.

"We must bear patiently not being good . . . and not being thought good," according to St. Francis of Assisi. And who's going to argue with him?

The basic trouble with trying to "be good" is that very goal becomes our god. We seek not for knowledge of God's will, but rather for God to do our will in making us what and how we believe we need to be. Which God already has made us...perfect in his eyes. 

Our job on our life's journey is to see us his way...not to change ourselves to become our idea of good (i.e., perfect), but to accept ourselves just as we are...perfect in God's eyes. Then live up to that.

We start when we learn to love and laugh...and that's all.

Thank you.

IF NOT FOR GOD....

Whoa and wow! Just yesterday I laid out my plan of action to remind myself "this, too, is God" whenever I'm feeling peeved, worried, regretful. Already I've had a chance to prove it, and hallelujah, great God almighty...it works!

Back picture: I behaved less than wonderfully yesterday afternoon, did not even realize it until I was feeding Ruckus some five hours later, and I saw it...me showing my butt just as if others wanted to see it. I was mortified. I was so mortified that I immediately went into ego-victory fantasies of "John" taunting me about it with me shooting out a gazillion different nastier-than-his responses.

And a gentle reminder floated through my mind...just a wispy, "This, too, is God."

My mindset was immediately changed, and I  began to picture me agreeing completely with John. Agreeing with him by laughing because what I was resisting him saying was, in fact, true...I did not show well, and it was noticeable at the time by everyone but me, and whatcha gonna do but laugh?

Now, this all took place in my own head, mind you. But isn't that where all change starts? By simply changing our mind. Looking a tish deeper, the change starts with God, of course. That's why we spend so much time in prayer and meditation...to keep our God channel open and clear of self-clutter so we can hear when we're spoken to.

If we aren't God-centered, we will stay in our own reasoning mind...stuck in ego-victory fights, building resentments against people who actually need utter not a word.

If not for God, I'd already have a resentment against poor John who may not have noticed me at all yesterday.

God loves me soooo much.

Thank you.

THIS, TOO, IS GOD

Recently I read that "mystics have plumbed the depths of both suffering and love and emerged with compassion for the whole suffering world and a learned capacity to recognize God within themselves, in others, and in all things."

There must be a sacred few who are born with the "capacity to recognize God within themselves, in others, and in all things," but I'm betting it is a learned ability for the overwhelming majority of us.

And that is the good news...the "learned" part. That means it is possible for me to learn what is to me the pearl beyond price. Imagine. To have the walking around ability to see God within, without, in the good, the bad, the ugly...to see him and know him...to recognize God as I breathe.

From my eyebrows up, I've got it. I do believe that that is exactly where God lives...within, without, in the good, the bad, the ugly...in and of and for all.

I've been more or less content to accept, because I'm neither a mystic nor a saint, that I just get to know it, and then behave better than I'm accustomed to behaving. Which, in general, I do...there are exceptions which I either take way too seriously or miss entirely. But this turns a whole new light on for me.

My mind is all about how to do this, but hey! It's just another piece of the same puzzle, exactly like patience, kindness, love. All are within us right this very minute...all there is of patience, kindness, love, compassion for the whole suffering world, the capacity to recognize God within, in others, and in all things...within us right now. Loose it and let it go.

Here's my plan of action. Whenever I'm feeling peeved, worried, regretful...to remind myself, "This, too, is God." Because it might be.

Thank you.

ON BEING GIFTED WITH GRACE

Just this morning, Fr. Richard Rohr writes in his Daily Meditation, "Humans come to full consciousness precisely by shadowboxing, facing their own contradictions, and making friends with their own mistakes and failings."

He quotes Julian of Norwich as saying, "Our wounds are our glory."

I'm glad he wrote that this very morning because it affirms to me what I put forth in yesterday's post; i.e., "We see our part in [our rues, regrets and remorses], and we smile at our own bad behavior....To accept our part and forgive our own self with love and laughter is the change we seek..."

Those rues, regrets and remorses that we, relying on our reasoning mind, pray God will lift, erase, delete, make go away...those, those!, are our glory.

This is so exciting to me because it is my further proof that I am on the right track, heading in the right direction. Word of warning: Never get in a debate with a militant atheist for you will only grow frustrated...searching for the winning answer. The kicker is that the militant atheist is never out there. S/He is the one who lives within, whose only job, apparently, is to question...are you sure? How do you know? Can you prove that?

That is why it is so important to acknowledge to our self...often...that nothing is original to us. Every truth we speak was first spoken...beyond knowing how long ago. Which is the unimportant truth about truth. It matters not when first it found air...it is that WE hear it now. We hear it, we know it for truth, we claim it not as ours to hold in...we are incapable of holding it in. It passes from our lips to be received by we know not whom. Those we may think need to hear it, may not, but another we've never met may. That's God's territory. Let it be.

"It is in falling down that we learn almost everything that matters spiritually." Now that is grace.

Thank you.

CHANGE...THE ART OF DETACHMENT

We want God to do something tangible to show our rues, regrets, remorses have been wiped clean..especially in others' eyes. No! He lifts us up, and we are changed within.

We see our part in the resultant mire, and we smile at our own bad behavior that brought us there, giving others good reason to think less of us. To accept our part and forgive our own self with love and laughter is the change we seek that our reasoning mind can know naught of.

I have heard it said, maybe only by me, but I believe it to be true: All spiritual work is simply learning the art of detachment. Detach, detach, detach...and walk free in our own mind.

Thank you.

THE JOY OF LOVE...AND LAUGHTER

I came late to a full (or fuller, I expect) realization of love and laughter being my path. Which is to laugh since "God Calling," my daily reader for 40+ years, on day two first mentions the necessity for love and laughter: "Love and laugh. Love and laughter are the beckoners to faith and courage and success."

And, just as a sidebar, on day one it tells us that we "must not see as the world sees." Which is to say we must go beyond reason to love and laughter...we must detach from reliance on our reasoning mind if we're ever going to live fully the is-ness of God.
 
Just this morning I am gifted with a remarkable poem of Hafiz which I am declaring my own, like the Sermon on the Mount is my own. This is mine to ponder, meditate on...love and laugh with the joy I find within it:

What is this precious love and laughter 

Budding in our hearts? 

It is the glorious sound 

Of a soul waking! -- Hafiz

God loves us so much.

Thank you.

BECOME A LOVING PERSON

According to me, the sole goal in life is simply to get over our own self.

Our own self - the self we own is not the Self. The Self is the caretaker of the self we own, and our job is to give over to the Self, align our own self with the Self. That Self is present in all and thus we align our own self with all, and realize we are all one in the Self.

The common belief is, if we’re doing life right, we must  get to the head of the class...always advance ever upward. No. That is what keeps us tied to the reasoning mind. Yet here's me...thinking I'm better than the one striving to become head of her macrame class because  I'm striving to show forth God. Whoa! Talk about a high-minded goal!

"There is no secret moral behavior required for knowing or pleasing God beyond becoming a loving person in mind, heart, body, and soul yourself," according to Fr. Richard Rohr.

There. That is getting over our own self...and "I have miles to go before I sleep." (Robert Frost?...Bobby Kennedy, for sure.)

Thank you.

LAUGHTER...THE ULTIMATE ACT

This I believe: laughter is the ultimate act of letting go and letting be. Laughter is the great humbler and uniter. It is the essence of pure love.

I also believe that every time a universal truth is revealed to us, we receive another rung in the building of our ladder of still more spiritual growth. Without our daily cooperation (as in, doing it), that truth is useless to us since our reasoning mind filtered through our ego is always with us, working 24/7 to win...never accepting that we have already won.

We are born winners with all we will ever need right there inside. We're still trying to get that which we were given...which is our own, but until we use it, is not.

Again and yet again...all it takes to be free of "me" is love and laughter. Bingo! The bar to our heart is lifted, and we're free at last, thank God almighty we're free at last!

Thank you.

OVERCOMING OUR OWN SELF

[The following is a reprint of my blog of July 30, 2009.]

Not to him who walks on, with no obstacles in his way, but to him that overcometh is the promise given….And the overcoming is never the overcoming of the one who troubled you, but the overcoming of the weaknesses and wrong in your own nature, aroused by such a one. - “God Calling”

That thought is put to the test and proven when one does service work, when one serves others. When one’s chief concern is not how to get, but how to give, one is much more open to the feelings of others, to their cares and concerns.

When service is given simply for the joy of serving…and there is joy in serving…resistance seems almost non-existent. However, when service is given as a duty, and not a happy duty, resistance seems to rule.

My great aunt was a nurse and a very good nurse…she loved nursing. Since there was no advertising as such in the early 1900s, news of her services was passed on by word of mouth. She always had as many patients as she chose to accept.

Her sister, my grandmother, also trained to be a nurse. She hated it. She just had the worst luck with her patients…they were all demanding, nasty and mean into the bargain.

Many years after they had both retired (and my grandmother was still complaining about her patients), my dad told us that her problem wasn’t the patients, it was her refusal to accept that she was dealing with herself. I wondered at the time what he meant.

I have since learned that what we see is always ourselves. Until we overcome within ourselves that which is putting us off in others, we’ll spend a lot of time finding fault with over there (you), making excuses for right here (me)…and being unhappy.

Thank you.

LISTEN...HEED...BE AT PEACE

It is a fine line we must walk between seeking self-determined objectives and seeking God's will.

Relying on self-determined objectives is like relying on a boat without a rudder. They give us that wanted sense of security ("I am so lucky that I've got this boat!") but they take us into eddies, over falls, into stagnant waters...and, on that rare occasion, to our desired port. Where, too often, we find their true colors are brown and puce...giving us our misbegotten proof that there is no God...to whom we haven't listened in years. Talked at a lot, forgot to listen.

Back to that fine line that we must walk...it is necessary in life to have a realistic idea of who we are, where we are, who and where we want to be, and then to aim in that direction. The tripwire being the word "realistic." That's where our life work begins. Getting a realistic idea of our own self...getting real so to speak.

This truly is a lifetime work. Because, if we're doing it right, we will change...sometimes it seems like we will change about four minutes after we find out who we are and where we want to be. Which doesn't necessarily mean we did it wrong to begin with...or maybe it does mean that and that wrong way was necessary to our spiritual growth. A lot of my wrong ways were the result of my not asking God for his directions, thus becoming the roundabout way I needed to take to get me where I am today.

And today I'm just as happy as if I had good sense. Which proves there is no wrong way to get to God.

Thank you.

SURRENDER, ACCEPT, LOVE

We live by grace but it is our response to it that determines our attitudes, our believes, our thoughts, actions, reactions. Thus, if we hope to live free of our own self, acceptance becomes the answer with every breath we take to everything we see, hear, feel, sense. Acceptance is surrender tempered into love. To live happy, joyous and free, just say "Yes."

Our reasoning mind, linked with our ego, will respond with dire predictions to "just say 'yes'"...and rightly so for the reasoning mind. But we must go beyond reason to love. For this, we have changed our minds...exchanged our reliance on our reasoning mind for reliance on God within us ever present as grace. We know now that grace is ever present within us for where else would it live? Where would we go to get some but to the Father within?

It is our response to our own life experiences that gives grace feet...the feet of faith. Faith in the ever growing goodness of grace no matter what comes, or what it looks like aborning. We change our mind, our reaction, to any perception of a problem.

No matter what it looks like aborning, it is good...it is good. Pass it on.

Thank you.

KNOWING GRACE IN THE GRAY

We who refuse to be grateful for the gray days will never fully appreciate the uncloudy skies.

Thank you.

CHOOSE YE THIS DAY....

"....all My Hosts throng to serve and protect you. * * * Try to picture a bodyguard of My servitors in the Unseen waiting, longing, efficient, to do all that is necessary for your well-being." -- God Calling, July 11

Blinding flash of the obvious:  We do not receive this wondrous gift by continuing to live our old fearful, cynical, doubting ways...we hear this promise and expect to be lifted straight out of the doubt and dirt of daily living...but it is our daily living...we are the ones who choose daily to live there. Lift up our eyes, lift up our thoughts...wait not for gold to pave our way, know that our own personal Hosts throng to serve and protect us...even as our reasoning mind's eyes are seeing a muddy road, our consciousness experiences the grace of God, doing all that is necessary for our well-being...we are touched by aught but love. It is ours to choose.

Thank you.

FEELING LIKE JOB...LIVING IN GRATITUDE

I just got a jolt. Opened my God Calling, and noted that in 2005 I wrote, "I feel like Job" and listed the reasons why. Under that in 2010, I wrote "Ditto...I feel like Job again" with reasons listed. This morning, I was pondering the past few weeks and "I feel like Job" came to mind.  Which I wrote, noting the every five years thing...I must have an affinity for Job in July.

This year's list is based on physical ailments rather than mental meanderings...which is either the good news or the bad news. My macular degeneration has acted up recently, my dry eye is causing me headaches galore, I've recently been diagnosed with sciatica in my right hip/leg, my left knee is almost completely shot, and I spent yesterday in the ER with stabbing pains in my stomach...I've got an ulcer.

And here's my God news: First thing yesterday, I called my beloved Linda who gave me a ride to the ER and picked me up from there; when it took considerably longer than I was counting on, I called Mark, my beloved condo manager, and asked if he'd take Ruckus for his afternoon walk, which he did...cheerfully; another beloved friend has sciatica and we share often with love and compassion; another has macular degeneration and has just received good news which I take as if it were my own; another beloved friend calls me almost daily and lets me ramble on and on and on; a couple of other beloved friends call me almost daily, and I let them ramble on and on and on.

And the best God news, I got home yesterday to my beloved Mac's monthly Reflections. This month he quotes Matthew 22:34-40 wherein Jesus gives his two great commandments about loving God wholly and your neighbor as yourself. And Mac asks, So how do I know whether I love God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind? Loving my neighbor as myself is probably a good place to start. There. Job shoulda had such a friend.

Blinding flash of the obvious! I'm betting that's why I have a Job check-up every five years...so I'll look deeper at all the love I get and give on a daily basis without ever a conscious thought about it...which is as it must be when we're living in grace and gratitude.

Thank you.

LIVING AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

I just picked up a book at random, opened it, and the first thing I read: "The world's response to us is the result of our reaction to it."

This is not new news. It's the same old same old to my brain. That being true to me, why do I continue to get peeved at my world? At certain people in my world, specifically. Take Gertrude...please! Old joke, old joke, old joke.

If I believe the first statement, then I must believe that my response to Gertrude is the result of her reaction to me and/or Gertrude's response to me is the result of my reaction to Gertrude. We keep the rocking chair rocking, going nowhere, getting nothing but a resentment.

I am reminded of a statement made by Eknath Easwaran about our mental atmosphere becoming polluted by negative thinking: "Although a selfless man or woman may seem to go through the day doing nothing extraordinary, without them nothing would revitalize the atmosphere in which we think."

Being selfless is something we do without thought. If we've got to think about it, it's not selfless. I'm guessing we begin to be a selfless person by simply changing our mind.

Thoughtful without thought is the gift that comes from developing an attitude of gratitude...and living there. We become a grateful person, and God is evident in our lives.

Thank you.

STOP, NOTE, PONDER THE HIDDEN WONDER

It is important that we ponder, silently, in grace and gratitude, our many little giftees...those blinding flashes of the obvious that come unbidden without thought or prayer...they simply flow forth from within.

Unless we stop, note them, and ponder their hidden wonder, they get lost in the ether. They are our steppingstones to heaven.

According to Saint Paul...according to me.

Thank you.

CREATE HARMONY, LIVE IN LOVE

I awoke this morning thinking of the tradition that our unity must come first. I think of my desire as I enter a room of fellow seekers to silently remind myself, "Our unity must come first."

Then I read my Rohr "Daily Meditation," and there it is: We are called to live in harmony with each other and all created things. Creating harmony is invariably an absolutely central idea in most Native religions.

I wonder...what if that's really the only thing we each in this world need do? Create harmony. Then live in harmony with each other and all created things.

I mean it's as easy, takes no more energy, to shoot a silent prayer for another as it is to shoot a verbal zinger at another.

Here's me...laying out a guaranteed peace plan for the entire world when my own bathroom mirror shouts snark at me half the time.

And God grins.

Thank you.

BLESS THEM, CHANGE ME. . .AGAIN

[The following is a reworked reprint of my blog of February 28, 2012.]

A couple of quick thoughts that I read this morning really caught my attention. The first was just four words: “fascinated by our sins” and the other, “the attainment of a merciful heart.”

Each of these was personal to me…”fascinated by our sins” spoke of my getting bogged down in my rues, regrets and remorses. I would never have put that label on it because “fascinated” has such a glitzy sound to me…like, something good I’m seeing or experiencing. I am reminded of the snake…is it the cobra?…that the story says holds one in thrall in order to strike…and kill. Which pretty much describes getting bogged down in rues and regrets. Caught up in a fascination of my sins leads to a deadening…a deadening of spirit, mind, want to…want to do anything but mull those regrets.

The other, “the attainment of a merciful heart,” spoke to my daily focus…finding understanding within me for The Donald, for Ted, et al. The quote is attributed to Isaac of Syria who said, in part, that the attainment of a merciful heart comes from constantly offering prayers with tears for the enemies of truth.

I felt both comforted and electrified by the words “with tears.” I doubt Isaac meant that the way I’m experiencing it, but for today I’ve got to believe that the tears are for my inability to move off of my resistance to those two. I still just have a strong desire to smack them.

Bless them, change me…sigh.

Thank you.

WATCHING WIMBLEDON WORKS

Watching Wimbledon works. As I watched Roger Federer yesterday, I let my thoughts run free...they of course went back to the one who done me wrong.

As I let my thoughts go, without comment or judgment, I saw my mother. And, I flashed back to when God told me that my mother did not know what appropriate was...which led to the unwelcome realization that I am my mother.

I know what appropriate is today most of the time, but when I don't know, I don't know. I saw that my undesired friend does not know what appropriate is. In fact, she meant no harm to me, she simply did not know by her inappropriate actions, she was dumping on me. I have been there.

I read long ago that we are never angry for the reason we think. I have found that to be true, I just forget to remember in the moment that anger grabs my brain.

To paraphrase Fr. Richard Rohr: Under stress, behavior can reveal if the person is secure in God or still protecting self. Clearly, I was still protecting self, but I am grateful that I've cut the lag time way down. In under 24 hours, I felt righted...not right, righted. Back, trudging in the right direction.

I do believe I have no animosity toward my friend...how can I when he has proven to be another angel in my life. They're everywhere, they're everywhere!

Thank you.

WHEN WRONG...WATCH WIMBLEDON

I come again, speeding down life's highway, having learned all the driving instructions when I was 15, ignoring many of them now...and asking God to tell me again, "Does a red light means stop or go?"

I know the answer, of course, At my age, there are very few questions pertinent to my life that haven't already been answered. Remembering the answers is not the Catch-22...remembering is on God, according to me. It's choosing to use the right answers...to do the right thing...to really and truly not be as nasty as I want to be (a favorite phrase but my pulling it off can be a tish dicey at times).

And I did it yesterday. I gave over to another (who, may I say and I wish I wouldn't, deserved a boatload of nasty). But I did. I did give over and graciously if I do say so myself.

Here's the dunk in the ice water: I don't feel all that wonderful about it. I don't have that well-earned gold star feeling. In fact, I strongly suspect the problem is that he thinks he got over on me! There. And nobody has to guess what that's all about. I know ego when it spits in my eye.

I open one of my morning readings, and here's Meister Eckhart, dead these 600 some years, speaking directly to me: Some people want to see God with their eyes as they see a cow, and to love Him as they love their cow -- for the milk and cheese and profit it brings them. This is how it is with people who love God for the sake of outward wealth or inward comfort.

It's that "inward comfort" that trips me every time. I guess I'd best take my comfort in the fact that it could be worse...I could be utterly unaware of where I need look to fix my problem. But I think I'm going to watch Wimbledon first.

Thank you.

GOD DOESN'T MAKE SENSE

It is so easy to justify fear. Fear of having no say in our final demise. Or fear of financial insecurity. Or fear of a lone-wolf terrorist attack...the list is endless. Because fear is endless if fear is where we choose to live. We do have a choice...we can feel fear (and, if we're doing it right, we will) and welcome it, knowing God has our back; or we can feel fear, panic, and not welcome but fight it...and sink deeper into it.

The God of my understanding...a personal omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent power of and for good...either is or is not. If he is not all of that, he is nothing. My God does not come in pieces. Or to pieces.

I'm reminding myself of this because recently I've talked with two very intelligent people, for whom I have deep respect and love, both of whom are advocating for assisted suicide. Which is my quandary right now.

It's like my budget on paper. On paper, I should be able to save...period; but, in reality, a whole 'nother story. Assisted suicide in talks makes abundant sense, and I'm well nigh accepting the idea...but, wait. What about the God of my understanding which has my back...which IS my back? What about that?

I was feeling half way good about myself because I am only conscious of one on-going trepidation...having no say in my final demise. (I'll know I've walked through it when I quit calling it trepidation and call if fear, pure and simple.)

To get to the other side of that, I picture myself in my worst-case scenario...strapped down in a hospital, almost but not quite unconscious but unable to speak, and the medics not knowing of, or simply ignoring, all the written instructions to pull the plug, no extraordinary nuthin', let me go and now. I take that picture to the outside of enough...set my own hair on fire with fear.

Then I picture God in his infinite way lifting me out of there. Could be by a medic unknowingly tripping and pulling the plug or the electricity going out in my room, whatever. Makes no never mind...God will prevail for the best for me if I will but trust him.

The trick is to not decide for an alternative to God's will because the reasoning mind always goes for the alternative, i.e., its own answer...because it makes sense! God doesn't make sense...he makes miracles.

Thank you.

A NEW PATH OF POSSIBILITY

I'm running on empty. I blame the dreary day...the dark clouds, heavy air, threat of rain, more rain, and yet more rain. I feel water-logged...and sleepy.

This is when judgments start to spring forth, feeling like wisdom, sounding like insider information. They are not. They are dissatisfaction with self, too lazy to take heed and do the minimal footwork required to change my mind. Brain work actually. Then when I work myself down to a sniveling shadow, my first thought will be, "Why, Lord?" It's a good thing the Lord is patience. And love. And understanding.

There's my bright spot. I don't have to gin up happy, joyous and free. God's got it covered...within me, without me. God's got it covered whether I'm happy or not...and I just got a tish happier being reminded of that.  So I'm heading in the right direction. Which is close enough to perfect for me.

Just plug in...get happy, sing hallelujah. A whole new path of possibility has just opened for my day.

Thank you.

BE PATIENT...LOVE AND LAUGH

Be patient. The path of self-discipline that leads to God-realization is not an easy path; obstacles and suffering are on the path; the latter you must bear, and the former overcome -- all by His help. His help comes only through concentration. -- Swami Ramdas

There. That very quote is evidence of God's help.

I just finished journaling about being off track, looking for a fight and calling it love...as in, s/he needs to know, etc. The good news is I have learned (the hard way) to not say that which "s/he needs to know." But my ego cares not a rap what my experience tells me...it's riding herd and sweating bullets (so to speak) and justifying its want-to as love, more specifically, that wonderful justifier, "tough love." What I need is to use some of that tough love on myself.

And, hey! What is tough love but learning to love and laugh.

The tough love I had in mind for him? Love him...he's not and never will be mine to fix...if, indeed, he needs fixing. For her? Laugh at myself for entertaining the idea that she would be better for my saying anything...with love or not. For me? Love me for taking myself too seriously and laugh at how simple God makes my life if I'll just, to quote Ramdas, "Be patient."

Thank you.