UPGRADE THOUGHTS, UPGRADE PROBLEM

I have a recurring half-awake dream: I walk into a room and someone is really bad-mouthing me to a group of others. That someone is standing with his back to me so he does not see me enter...all the others see me and don't know how to shut the talker down.

I count my progress by how I, in my dream state, respond. Originally, I teared up, looked pitiful and felt unloved, unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated...and, best of all, justified because the talker looked mortified that he got caught, and the group poured pity-love all over me.

I had that same dream-stream this morning, and I'm inordinately proud to report my progress.  I saw me walk over to the talker, gently pull her out of hearing of the group and ask if I could share my understanding of this vignette.

I explained that to me this entire episode represents our angels at work...her angel bringing her defect (gossip) out at the perfect-to-the-angel/worst-to-her time; my angel doing likewise with my defect (fear of public criticism). This is exactly what needed to happen for us to experience the effects of the very defect we've been praying to be relieved of.

I wonder if not getting found out  in the middle of our defects isn't the glue that holds them to us. We can pray till our face falls off to be relieved of them...but we're usually praying at home alone and after the fact. Getting caught right smack dab in the middle with our whole world watching...even in a semi-dream state...is heart-stopping, or heart-stuttering at any rate.

I'm counting my progress, however, on the advancement of my thoughts about this happening. We  often hear that our thoughts determine our fate, but then we continue to judge our self on our actions. No. We must train our very thoughts where our actions are aborning.

There will never be a permanent change in our less-than-wonderful behavior until our less-than-wonderful thoughts are upgraded. Maybe that's the necessary process in detaching them from ego and passing them on to God. Whatever. I'm glad I had my unself-pitying dream this morning.

Thank you.