My past is the gold of my today...everything I am, everything I have came to me by my invitation only, more or less like a kid at a grab-bag party...not thinking, not considering anything, just grabbing in greed.
Imagine my surprise when I saw Charlie Sheen seemingly self-destructing on nationwide hook-up and recognizing myself at 5...at 15...at 30. The grab-bag that had attracted me when first I grabbed it had said to me Recognition, Attention, Love, and oh how I wanted that.
A huge percentage of my rues, regrets and remorses are all about me grasping for attention. I remember some 30 years ago, my little dog Ari, my first spiritual adviser, was acting out...jumping around, yapping, tripping me, yapping. Finally, in my voice of authority, I say, "Stop it. You just want attention!" And, cocking his head, he all but puts his little fists on his hips and says, in exasperation, "Well, yeah."
I was stunned. That was the first time in my life that I consciously realized that wanting attention was not an embarrassing thing...that it was, in fact, simply wanting love. I remember as a kid, whining around the house about this or that, and my mom saying (surprise, surprise), "Stop it. You just want attention!" And I'd feel mortified, and deny, deny, deny that that was the case.
So, back with Ari. I stopped me...sat down on the floor and played with him...gave him my full attention and love, and we were both just as happy as if we had good sense.
There is nothing wrong with wanting love...it is in the trying to get it through unlovable acts that hurt and haunt us, and they only haunt us as long as we hold them to our chest in secret...in effect nurturing them.
Those are the secrets we swear we'll take to our grave, and learn when we share them they are the glue that holds our friendships together. There's my gold.
We get love by giving love...no more, no less.
Thank you.
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